You are going to have to let go of the regret and blaming yourself though. Reflection so you can better yourself is great. Going over and over your mistakes and blaming yourself... not great.
No matter how you got here it is what it is, and all you can do is grow, change, and move forward. You are right, it is some of both of your responsibility you got here. Just like all of us. Beating yourself up does no good though.
I can tell you have a good heart, AYK.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
You know this mlc'er hasn't given me a break for anything and set me up or led me on at every turn. Sure would be nice when she starts looking at herself.
So today thought I was suppose to pick up my son and his dog.
Turns out because I "tattletalled" to my attorney about her shoving me,of course she cursed me out on the phone,and justified her doing what she did."told you to leave my f'ing house 5 times." I think it was more than 5, and believe me I was trying to leave she turned on me so darn quick.She said she was going to listen to her atty,blah,blah,cause I said that's bs,then drop s and dog off here,she said she's tired of me trying to get her in trouble.Oh and she didn't like my time,"so I'm going to miss kick off." I ignored it, she flipping hates football!I think I delivered one shot back,wouldn't have had to tell atty if you hadn't traumatized the kids by doing it.I have to protect myself, because you see wife,I'm the sane one. I was focusing on something on the wall when I said it, just like when I'm helping a family with a car, so it was smooth and not a rushed comment.
In the past when I've had the need to put up the 10% it was rushed or quick, almost a panicy defense.
She is one heck of a mean,I mean mlc, she's smart too,can twist a story or event in the blink of an eye to make me feel worthless or my fault.And be happy doing it.She has got absolutely no remorse,she's acting happy for the most part,SHE's DB'ing me:).
We now have to exchange kids at the police station. For how long I don't know, but what the heck, I didn't know that, kids didn't know that and it's a big inconvenience.
Of course the teenage witch is tired of me trying to get her in trouble.I'm not by the way,trying to be nice and getting hammered everytime.
What the heck is that!!!!F'ing attorneys!!!Would have been nice if mine had called me,she knew I had son for the Superbowl.And wife said it was my atty that called her atty and told her.Who knows but that's a new low for son.I told him I'm sorry that happened.Hope we don't have to do it for long.I asked her if she knew how long, she popped off with something didn't hear it I was distracted.Of course mom had cursed me on the phone,his phone so he heard everything,I just looked at him,I know Dad, she didn't mean it like it sounded.
Anyway she looked happy as heck at the exchange, while my insides are still hurting or anxious.I wish I could quit being anxious around her!!!I am pretty much nails with everyone else, but she just intimidates the hell out of me. I know why,it's a similar feeling I had with abusive stepfather.AND he too would get his shots in.Need to get that calm,cool,collected and get off the divorce diet, need to gain some weight back.
Son and I watched superbowl,not sure if I like this add medicine,it's aderal makes me feel like i drank a lot of coffee,which then i feel the need to smoke more,makes me even more anxious,and i think it acts like caffenine,been depressed,or something,think about the past, then think about the future.
I know I tell myself, control what I can control, focus only on today.Somedays are better than others, that's all.
Think the weather has something to do with it. Snowing again,if its overcast or something,i'm more down.Sunny I'm up.
Oh well preaching to the choir on that.
I know for a fact she was going to file.
Even worse I know for a fact, I did too much reaching out and didn't listen to you guys.
Grace what I'm angry about is she intentionally or was ripe to do some of the things she did over our relationship, I was too, not angry like throw something against the wall angry,where with all this I've pretty much taken the beating and have not been angry at her or angry in this grieving process.
Keep an eye on the ADD meds....I just saw what that stuff did to my son and didn't like the affects.
Don't be angry at your attorney...she probably has to report that there was a physical interaction between your wife and you. By hitting you, your wife committed a crime...not that you are going to press charges, but a crime none the less.
So you keep giving her opportunities to get at you...when are you going to close that door?
Well,it took all day,but don't have to exchange kids at police station.
I sure would like to get to the point where I can deal with her stuff, kid stuff, atty stuff and work, instead of the first 3 items jacking with me all day.
My atty is convinced I'm obsessive compulsive with the emails, said well hey can't email wife anymore. No just everyday wife gets me spinning with some kid stunt or some stunt.AND SHE IS SUCH A DARN GOOD LIAR AT THE MOMENT, THINK MY ATTY SHOULD KNOW. I know some of the stuff atty doesn't believe, think I might have to record a convo someday between wife and I. Like her emails and texts haven't been crazy enough?
My MLC is the meanest person I have ever known.SHE HAS EVEN PO'D HER ATTY with her actions.
Matter of fact she's throwing a texting fit right now,because my D didn't do what I asked and on my night, wife let her go to the friends house.Well let's the wrong word,D told wife she was going,wife said ok, but ur going to ur dads tonite. Told D to be here by 7, she wasn't and on top of that her friend dropped her at her mom's.Too which D tells me mom wants out of it,she doesn't want to get in trouble.wife texted me she didn't want to be middle man.
HERE'S THE DEAL,IF I GO TO THAT HOUSE,MY BUTT IS GRASS.She lied to her atty and said that the kids have invited me in the house.
Isn't it amazing how their story can change.
I can't go to the old house to pick her up, been told that by both attys now, and 6 hrs ago, told wife would pick kids up at the house, she texted hell no don't want you there.
So I texted wife,D's at ur house.I'll take her Tue,Wed and to her appts on Thurs so you can go to ur seminar.No Biggie.
Wife is now upset that I am not picking up D at the house, I didn't get smart with what she sent earlier.
Anyway D's school bag is here,texted wife, they could pick it up on way to school. To which wife responded I can take it to school.
I just texted No and I am not responding to her 3 recent teenage,smart texts and of course one where she did everything for D and she'll handle it as usual!!!
She's upset and blames me for getting her in trouble, here's an idea.
Be quiet wife, you're bringing it on yourself.
It's been 3 wks since any emails from her. I sent ONLY 1, directions to ADD therapist for D, I SWEAR!!!It was only directions!
It is funny she has called me, been nice, this am, then texted me real mean, then was nice again, now she's mean again.
Think the fact I'm pushing buttons with the court is bothering her, I know it is.
It's all kid stuff, tabled the sale of the home.
ALL THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE MY HOME, NOW IT'S HER HOUSE,funny how everything became hers last summer and I became kicked out.
SHE IS WEARING MY CLOTHES,PILING SOME STUFF OF MINE FOR A GARAGE SALE,DISPLAYING GIFTS I GAVE HER.DISPLAYING MY MOTHERS KEEPSAKES.
BROKE MY HEART SO BAD, THAT 7 MONTHS LATER, I'M FINALLY STARTING TO THINK.
Gave me an std. Keep that in small print.
I HAVE A WEDDING BAND TATTOO.
NO MONEY
LIVING IN A STRANGE PLACE, that i really don't like.
SHE HAS HUMILIATED ME TO KIDS, IN FRONT OF KIDS.HUMILIATED ME TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.
LIED ABOUT ME TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.
So anyway, I'm not giving up, I am scared about the future of course.
I know I am the LBS, but see I know she has turned it into kicked me out, which she has, kids have even said it.
Oh it's a stupid question that probably doesn't have an answer.
She obviously hasn't grieved a bit about this or what she has done.
Do you think she ever will go wtheck have I done?
Not that it matters if she does if we're divorced,it's yrs from now,kids are screwed up,home is gone.
It's been a lot of months and I still find myself going is this real. A lot of memories are just like yesterday, amazing how quick 19 yrs goes by.
Amazing how quickly it gets wiped away too.
So I know right now,that eventually I won't feel like I do right now.
What I was mad at atty for is I knew if it got to wife it would be turned on me to kids, well it was.Atty wanted to know why I was there, was there to get kids!!!Well if you weren't there it wouldn't have happened.WHAT?!!I'm obsessive compulsive but you talk in circles atty.
I really really need a break from her attacks.
60 days until court again I was told.
So I have 60 days to get my you know what together.
I have 60 days to prove that I am not obsessive compulsive.
I know create your own breaks with the contacts.
I've realized even though I have had the best intentions and been trying to protect her or build trust, she is not seeing it that way.
Not a pity party, but if this divorce goes thru, I still get the good memories the bad memories nothing that i provided back not that i want it,it's tough enough not having anything to look at, imagine looking at something from when you had a complete family and still get to deal with an angry woman and two kids whose lives are never going to be the same again.
I'm having fun with the obsessive compulsive that I've put in this post.
It's the ADD.
Hey look at that this novel of a post took some time to type, no more texts from the mlc'er that, yes Jack, it'd be nice if she'd wake up, but I don't pray for it anymore.
In my marriage, my ex always was at work, and I worked too but I'm a teacher, so my hours are not bad. It was always just me and the kids. And we, especially my S, have a very strong bond b/c of that.
Wife is a teacher, wkends, and I can definately see how being a mom and handling bills and other stuff as overwhelming.
Also, I can kind of understand the whole, w not wanting you to go out with the buds kind of thing IF you did work all the time and she had all the responsibility of the kids. Even though men work to provide for their family, she probably felt put upon and thought if you were off you should be home. I've lived that scenario.
That was in first couple yrs of marriage. When son came along, maybe a beer with the guys and only one, didn't want to lose my dl to a dui, it would mean my job.And that was months apart.If drank, drank at home and with wife.Had more fun smoking in the garage or driveway and catching a buzz,besides wife was fun when she'd catch a buzz too.
My ex did NOT know how to be his own person, and is obviously crazy and spiraling out of control now b/c he doesn't have anyone to think for him.
When this really showed itself,wife"have to accept a man that will not change." Still don't know what she meant by that.
The other thing was "can't finish my thoughts anymore." That I know where it came from. I gave that to her, I could do a lot of things, just turned it over to her, had more than one reason, she would say she was always right, she is pretty smart, I was putting her first. Realize now made me sound and become weak or subservient. So I can see where I was tough to figure out somedays I'd be this toughman, usually during the wk. Sat/Sun I was a weak guy. I also thought I was giving a compliment when I'd ask now how do this with the kids. Know now and that's what bothers her, is I could always handle it, just I would get over ruled and it was easier than hearing her feel sorry for being in trouble. She is and was so darn sensative.
It is true that most women like to have a man that puts her needs first : ) haha, but women also want a strong independent man who has his own thoughts and opinions. The yes baby, whatever you want baby, is fun for a while, but it does get old. I know from experience.
I did too much of the yes baby!!!I went overboard after 7/7/07.
I'm glad you are working on having your own identity.
It's not much of an identity yet, but every day is getting better.
On your Daughter-What are you proving by ordering her around? Demanding that she be at your house? Really sit and think about it. You aren't respecting her position. I know...sounds nuts...she is your daughter and should do what ever you say, But that isn't working bud. So she went to her friends on your night....big deal! Let her go...is the fighting with both your wife and her worth it? Not really...you would be better spending your emotional energy doing stuff with your son.
Think about the situation from the bosses point of few. You have two employees...one being an employee and another one doing an incredible job. You don't punish the getting by employee, you reward the employee who is doing the incredible job. In the end the getting by employee has two choices; 1-Keep just doing the status quo 2-Working harder to reap the benefits Which choice would you make?
Remember growing up and your parents telling you not to play with matches. I am sure, like almost all of us, that you eventually played with matches and burned yourself. From there you didn't play with matches....it is called consequences of decisions. Let her decide to be with her friends.....she will see from your son of the consequences of that decision.
I will even show how I am using it at the moment. I watch my two children and the neighbors two children after school. at the start homework was done right after school by all four very successfully. One day one child had problems with homework, went home and his mom said "just do homework later". So he came back the next day and said "I will just do my homework later" (yeah...right)...soon that turned into none of the children doing homework and grades dropping for all four. Natural consequence of delaying an activity that is not enjoyable whenever you do it. So seeing this I implemented a choice for the children...do your homework right after school and I will reward you with a piece of candy or choose not to do your homework and you won't get any. I am not going to tell them to do their work, they need to buy in and do it themselves. Guess what...homework is now done right after school with no arguments and grades are going up. Of course one day...one child didn't want to do homework and was surprised when I said "fine, that is your choice"....but you should have seen the look on his face when the other children got a piece of candy and he didn't. Consequence of decision!
On your wife-Stop letting her feed the fire. Take the oxygen you represent away and the fire will go out!
