Brief update. Nothing really new to report with W. All is quite for now. Not sure if that is good or bad. Suppoed to me later this week (finally) to discuss house, finances, etc. Everytime I have wanted to mee she has been busy and when she wants to me I have been working. Passive aggressive behavior.
Continue to GAL and work on my life. Speding a lot of time at new job and second job. Free time consists of exercising, church, going out with friends, walking my dogs, reading, etc.
Feel better each day but I continue to have mmixed feelings each day on my sitch and the future. Talked to a friend who said my W said she just needed to get away and live with her family for a while to think about things. Said my W said she needed to get away from the stress from the past couple of years. Never mentioned anything about D, just that she needed time to think and try to escape the stress...said she felt like she hit a wall. So basically my W told this friend that she just needed some time away to get herself together. Different story then my W told me...told me she wants a D. Anyway, we still have not met or talked about why my W left. Friends and her family said it was just because of stress and my lack of a job for the past two years.
Best think I beleive i can do at this point to try to save the M is to just continue to stay away and give my W space. Sure, I could be upset that she left but what good would that do at this point. Instead I try to put myself in my W's shoes and how SHE feels. I know the past few years have been a stressful time for both of us. I can imagine my W felt frustrated that I could not move past the end of my company and that I was depressed and didn't find a new job. Again, that's all water under the bridge at this point. I have now been able to move on from those past stresses. I am definitely not the same man that my W remembers from 4 months ago when she left. Would be great if she recognized this and would talk to me about saving M instead of closure to M. Perhaps in time...patience is what I keep telling myself.
I continue to wonder how long I will be willing to wait for my W. At what point do I make friends with other women? When the time comes I will know. However, I do not believe that I should be in any rush to so do and just give up on a 19 year R with my W. How could I? I beleive what is required here is patience and understanding. I try not to make this about me but instead try to do what is best for my W which I beleive is to give her space and time. I continue to be NC unless she texts me about something. IMHO I beleive it's a fine line between wanting to "fight" for my M and being smart enough to know when to just back off. I believe right now I just need to continue to back off.
Mentally and physically I feel pretty good. I have been keeping busy and enjoy going out and having fun with friends and family. it would be much more fun to do these things with my W. Maybe one day...maybe one day.
Thanks for listening.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
W and I set a time to meet this weekend to discuss selling house, selling car, dividing our things, etc. The meeting is just the two of us and her father will not be there (W originally demanded her father be at meeting for her comfort level).
I texted W today to remind her that our car insurance payment is due and she needed to pay it since she took the money from our joint bank account. W is still on our car insurance policy but I have the car. Until we sell the car we both must be on insurance.
W left me a voice mail today that she wasn't going to pay for car insurance because I'm the one driving it and she no longer considers it a joint debt. She said she discussed this with me last month. Um, no, she didn't. She left me a message last month that we needed to discuss the car but never anything about who pays the insurance...by the way she paid it last month. I have no problem with paying the insurance myself once she is taken off the policy but that cannot happen until she is off the title of the car so we need to either sell it or I buy it from her. She wants to sell it to me for $1. Well that's great considering we owe $3,000 more for the car than what it's worth. Why would I want to buy and be responsible for the car with negative equity?
She tells me today in vm that she is "concerned" that I must pay the car insurance before she will meet with me this weekend. She also says that she wants to make sure that I have the same reasons for meeting this weekend to discuss dividing our things, house, etc. and for me to call her to let her know. I'm guessing she wants to make sure I don't think we are meeting to discuss our M. Yeah, I got that. Says that she doesn't want to text back and forth anymore because it doesn't give enough space to be able to discuss things so she wants to email or talk over phone. I guess she means after we meet. Since my computer broke I have not had my original email address. I do not want to give her my new email as I do not think we should be communicating by email, instead I think we should be meeting face to face or talking on the phone.
Anyway, I am absolutely fine with this meeting to divide our things, sell the house, figure out the car, etc. All of these things need to be done. I'm hoping that once this is done she might finally be able to relax and the healing process could begin. Since she left 4 months ago I think she has focused on this negative stuff. Once the negative stuff is dealt with then perhaps she will soften.
She was very cold and very "matter of fact" on her voice message she left me today. I think she is in fantasy land regarding the joint bills which she "feels" she is no longer responsible for however her name is still on these things with me. I have already taken my name off other joint bills with her.
I"m ok with the agenda for what needs to be discussed this weekend. I know what I am and am not willing to agree to. My question is how should I handle the conversation? Meaning do I try small talk about her life and how's she's doing? Do I share infromation with her about what I've been up to? Should I keep the conversation strictly business? Do I give her a hug when I see her?
I have been NC for the past 5-6 weeks unless she contacts me first about bills. At this point the NC doesn't seem as if it has softened her at all yet. I have done absolutely no pursuing, didn't send anything for V-Day either. I'm just trying to completely back off and leave her alone. I have been getting on with my life and doing things for me. Since this meeting is important I want to make sure I handle it correctly. I will remain calm, confident, etc. I will validate her if she becomes argumentative but will stand my ground. I will not engage in any relationship talk nor will I discuss the counseling she desires for her closure.
Any advice, observations, suggestions are welcome. I'm guessing her being cold with her voice mail about this meeting and the topics is to be expected. I keep telling myself that this is just a necessary step in the process of trying to save my M. She wants our things divided and that's fine with me as it's not so important to me to battle over this small stuff (material things) but instead to concentrate on my ultimate goal of reconciliation.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Sandi, if you're around I could really use your advice on this my last post. Let me just add how demanding my W was on her voice mail today. Said she "wants" me to pay car insurance before she will meet this weekend. Said she would be willing to take tags off car and turn them in if I didn't want to pay for insurance. What the hell is wrong with her? Her thinking is so far gone it's not even funny. I'm not worried if she gets upset this weekend when I stand my ground.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
GH31, that's the million dollar question right now. I really wish I knew for sure. I have done my own investigation and I cannot find any signs of an A. I've also spoken to her family and friends and they all say there is no A. I know not to necessarily believe them and my W could be hiding it from them too.
Other than hiring a PI, how else can I investigate further to check if there is an A? Since we are separated I don't have access to her computer to install a keylogger. I know Puppy is pretty good with this stuff and maybe he can chime in with some suggestions.
I listened to her voice again and it really upset me when she said she wants to me to pay for the car insurance before she will meet. I have no problem paying for my portion of the bills but the way she said it pissed me off. I will just bit my lip on that comment.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
mza8- it seems like you've done well w/ the NC and not pursuing. There is little way of really knowing what's going on w/ your W. The PI is a good idea, but they are expensive. A GPS for the car is a thought I suppose.
I doubt that many if any of her friends would know about an A. She would likely keep it secret.
As for the meet- PMA and keep light. Don't know about the hug though. I'd like to see someone else answer b/c I am officially clueless when it comes to that stuff.
- good job on getting your act together and working two jobs, a wife needs financial stability
- She's trying to bully you, stand up to her. Lead on the money discussions. Talk to a L about what is legally hers and yours at this point.
- You will be attractive to her when you are in charge of yourself.
You can handle it.
Cheers
ps A great book about dealing with depressive thougths is Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So basically your W is telling you unless you give her something of value (paying a JOINT bill) then she will not give you something of value (a meeting with her to discuss JOINT assets). That is the very definition of quid quo pro and honestly, if she wants to play things out that way you are wise to get an attny and let her see the *true* meaning of "something for something".
Even if just for a consult you should be speaking to an attny to find out your rights and responsibilities before you meet with your W on your own. IMO you are very foolish not to. Clearly you have lots of emotional ties to your W (wondering what you should talk about, wondering if you should give her a hug) and that is NOT the way to approach a business meeting. You need facts and figures. It makes very little sense to enter into a meeting with your W to negotiate when you have no idea what sort of negotiating power you have.
It is irrelevant if your W has used the vehicle or not. Legally you are still married, legally you have a joint obligation to pay for joint possessions (and if she is on the title it is a joint possession) and it was her choice to leave therefore her choice to NOT have access to the vehicle. None of those choices eliminate financial responsibility.
Going in to this meeting with your W without the proper information as far as the scope of the law goes is not wise. It should tell you an awful lot that she felt she needed her dad there. Daddy's can't protect their little princesses when it comes to asset division and divorce.
It is close to impossible for a husband and wife to treat the division of assets as a mere "business deal" due to the emotional ties they share (good or bad, there are shared emotional ties). Seeing an attny won't eliminate the emotional ties but it will properly arm you with the information you need to effectively create a settlement.
