My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

[newmama]

Hi, nsw--why are you torturing yourself by continuously contacting ex??? starting THIS MINUTE set a goal to
not be the first to call or text.

then praise yourself for being strong each hour that goes by where you don't do it.

I understand that it is a lot harder when it comes to being in the same room with ex...but start with not initiating contact first and then you can move to limiting interaction w/ her when you see her.

It is true that women are attracted to strong, confident men. Needy men are a turn off.
Now something I have been wondering for months:
Is the above the same for what men like in women? Because I see a lot of men on the DB forum who enjoy rescuing or taking care of women.

[Gardener]

nsw & newmama,
You know what?
I agree!

nsw: New Mantra: "Ignore. Ignore. Ignore." Everything. For one week. Give yourself that gift. And let her wonder, fume, and stew in it. And then see what happens after seven days.

Just. Stop.

Simple. And easy.

Hi, nsw--why are you torturing yourself by continuously contacting ex??? starting THIS MINUTE set a goal to
not be the first to call or text.

then praise yourself for being strong each hour that goes by where you don't do it.

I understand that it is a lot harder when it comes to being in the same room with ex...but start with not initiating contact first and then you can move to limiting interaction w/ her when you see her.

It is true that women are attracted to strong, confident men. Needy men are a turn off.
Now something I have been wondering for months:
Is the above the same for what men like in women? Because I see a lot of men on the DB forum who enjoy rescuing or taking care of women.

[newmama]

Gardener, nsw and other men, would you please respond to this q? (please excuse the t/j!!!but you get tons more traffic than my forum :-) ))

It is true that women are attracted to strong, confident men. Needy men are a turn off.

Now something I have been wondering for months:
Is the above the same for what men like in women? Because I see a lot of men on the DB forum who enjoy rescuing or taking care of women.

[nsw1222]

Now something I have been wondering for months:
Is the above the same for what men like in women? Because I see a lot of men on the DB forum who enjoy rescuing or taking care of women.

Newmama...I would say it depends on the guy.

I have low self esteem and too often act like "the nice guy"...with those two things, it makes me feel better to come to someones rescue (and have it acknowledged...and when it isnt acknowledged I feel like crap and get angry).


My ex and I are supposed to go get our taxes done tomorrow. I'm wondering if my texting is gonna make her pissy...or if she's so self centered and enjoying her time with OM she wont even care.

[Gardener]

Like a concerend idiot, I sent my ex a message asking her of she got her car dug out and she said "yes thanks".
I then asked if she found somewhere to watch the superbowl and if not she could watch it with me and D3. She never responded, so I said that I guess I know where she went (OM's) and I'm glad I didnt waste time helping her dig out her car like a fool. I said "your first day of feeling better and thats where you go."

Oh, stop, Stop, STOP, STOP!!!

Then I turned my cell phone off.

Big whoop. Too late. Pursuing, pleading damage already done!

[newmama]

nsw, don't worry...IF YOU STOP texting now and from this day forward, it can still make an impact. In the positive sense. So I don't agree that the permanent damage has been done. Just pick yourself up and change from this point forward!

[Dudess]

Like a concerend idiot, I sent my ex a message asking her of she got her car dug out and she said "yes thanks".

I then asked if she found somewhere to watch the superbowl and if not she could watch it with me and D3. She never responded, so I said that I guess I know where she went (OM's) and I'm glad I didnt waste time helping her dig out her car like a fool. I said "your first day of feeling better and thats where you go."

Then I turned my cell phone off.

I have low self esteem and too often act like "the nice guy"...with those two things, it makes me feel better to come to someones rescue (and have it acknowledged...and when it isnt acknowledged I feel like crap and get angry).

Yes, you swing wildly between 'love sick little puppy guy' and total butthole.

nsw, don't worry...IF YOU STOP texting now and from this day forward, it can still make an impact. In the positive sense. So I don't agree that the permanent damage has been done. Just pick yourself up and change from this point forward!

I think you need to worry because you keep blowing it big time. You've done damage but better to start now than not at all. If you do blow it and pursue again, at least try not to compound the problem by acting like a total jerk when you don't get the response you hoped for.

[nsw1222]

I go back and forth between love and hate of my ex.

I may see if I can get a sooner session with my IC.

After reading the first three chapters of "Codependent no more" I can see that I have at least mild codependency.

My ex was a mediocre mother to our daughter and mediocre partner to me...when she was loving times were good but when she was in full rage it was awful. She spent way too much time going out after work or even on her days off instead of taking care of the baby and our family/home.

My own mother reminded me of times when I would call her and tell her how "I dont know how much more of this I can put up with".

I'm ashamed to admit it...but I am now recalling times when I was so put off by her neglectful attitude toward me and spending time with our family...that I may have eventally became a WAS. I remeber thinking "If I can just hang on until D3 graduates high school...then I'll leave her." or "If I can just hang on til D3 graduates college...then I'll leave and D3 will still be ok."

So maybe some of my reaction to my ex leaving isnt all about remaining love for her, its about despising the rejection she gave me and the fact that she did it before me.

But that still confuses the hell out of me. Because if all I'm reacting to is being rejected first...why wouldnt I be ok with not being with her anymore?

I guess I always thought she might clean up her act and that things would eventually be ok...that she would return to being that sweet lving girl that I fell in love with...which seems to be what many co-dependents in the book thought.


And Gardner...I turned my cell phone off not to stop myself, but to give my ex a taste of her own medicinc. tit for tat as citygirl would put it. But then I realized that she couldnt call and say goodnight to D3 if my phone was off so I turned it back on.

Of course, she didnt respond to my message...and she didnt call D3 to say goodnight either which is surprising. She and OM must be having a real time of it for her to neglect saying goodnight to D3. It's too bad he isnt married...I'd love to open that can of worms.

[Gardener]

newmama,

Gardener, nsw and other men, would you please respond to this q? (please excuse the t/j!!!but you get tons more traffic than my forum :-) ))

It is true that women are attracted to strong, confident men. Needy men are a turn off.

1) Yes. Agreed. Irrefutably true.

Now something I have been wondering for months:
Is the above the same for what men like in women? Because I see a lot of men on the DB forum who enjoy rescuing or taking care of women.

2) I am - and I believe most men are - attracted to strong, confident women. For me, I look for that along with the increasingly-rare attribute - and gift - of femininity. To complement my masculinity. I look for this type of woman as a companion, friend, partner, lover, playmate, confidante, spouse, etc. I also look for the basics: her Lady to my Gentleman and - always - her Girlfriend to my Boyfriend.

3) Let's differentiate between "taking care of a woman" and "rescuing a woman." I believe a man should take care of his woman and that women have every right to expect this of their men.

4) Many men actively seek out women to "rescue" either because they, themselves, are somehow "damaged" or are simply control freaks (or both). And they will spend the rest of their lives "rescuing" this woman, wondering why - and often hoping that - the woman never does "get" - or "stay" - rescued. Because this is not true "rescuing", i.e., "lifting her up" and facilitating her healing but, rather, a means to keep her perpetually down (and, therefore, him perpetually up) and under control.

While, in my opinion, the word codependent is too often misused and over-used, this kind of perpetual rescuing is truly toxic codependency.

Now, newmama, you've learned two things:
a) My answer to your question. And,
b) Never ask the always-long-winded Gardener a question of that scope!

[newmama]

with the increasingly-rare attribute - and gift - of femininity.

Gardener, thanks for answering my q! As for the statement above,
I am 20 years younger than you and do not see femininity going away...I see more women gaining financial independence, expecting men to know how to cook and share household duties...

but women STILL want men to offer to pay for the date (although I suggest splitting it on the first few), open the door, call first, tell us we look pretty and be confident and strong!

OK, t/j over! Thanks nsw for letting me borrow your thread to ask the Q!