Onwards and upwards!

[P17]

Thanks for stopping by my thread, P. I just spent awhile reading your whole sitch. And I've started cutterbug's. What strikes me most is how far you've come so quickly. I know it doesn't probably seem short in any way to you. It just looks from the outside as though you stumbled a couple times in the beginning and then just kept on moving "onward and upward" as you say.

LOL. There is no way I'd go back and read my own thread ... I'd be too embarassed. I feel I have come a long way. As I said in your thread, I'm not quite there yet, but I am as far as I can expect to be just now.

I have come to the stage now where I actually laugh at some of the stupid things I did during the M. Little things and big things. I was such a different person back then and I was such a d^*k at time it was unreal.

I know what I did wrong in the M. Maybe not all of it but enough. I know that I will take those lessons to any relationship in the future. In fact, my new relationship I am doing everything the right way that I did wrong in the M. None of this stuff is actually rocket science, most of it is actually quite easy and if I wasn't in such good humour about it all I think I'd be kicking myself that I didn't do it in the M and it helped to destroy it. Instead I just laugh about what an idiot I was ... but I can laugh, as that idiot isn't me anymore. It's like laughing at somebody else ... that is actually quite a strange but comforting feeling.

W has no idea what went wrong, really went wrong. She blames me for it all. That will get her nowhere. I've done the soul searching. She has yet to do that. If I know her at all, she won't bother. She will believe she was right and her family will help reinforce that in her while they believe her rewrite of the marriage history that she has spun them. Me. I don't care about that anymore. They have an adulterous daughter who would rather change partners than deal with conflict and a, probably, soon to be son-in-law who thinks it's cool to prey on married women and abandon his own children. Good luck to them all. They will damn well need it!

I'm just glad I found out about it after 3.5 years instead of 10 years and 2 kids later.

As Denis Leary puts it so well 'Sh*t happens. Buy a hard hat'. I've got mine

I hope when I have the put the same amount of time in I am nearly as far toward my own health and happiness as you are today.

I actually take that as a HUGE compliment. Thank you!

[P17]

Soooo ... thought for the day.

P is now considering filing for the big D. After everything I said, it may be the right thing to do.

Jeez. Lot's to think about.

[newmama]

Well, P, if you divorced, what are best case scenarios and worst case?

if you don't file, same Q as above?

Are you still sure about moving to a different town?

[chatterbug]

Soooo ... thought for the day.

P is now considering filing for the big D. After everything I said, it may be the right thing to do.

Jeez. Lot's to think about.

Does it cost you money or does this work out better for the house issue?

[P17]

Newmama,

Best case scenario - I get closure. Final, complete closure. I get my life back. I don't have the feeling that I have a dead weight hanging around my neck, called W. A woman who has no respect for me or my D, who is interested in splitting up a family for her own selfish ends. A woman who sacrificed her family, her extended family and my family for her own happiness.

Worst case - I can't think of any.

In either case, the house is possibly a marital asset and she may be entitled to half of it. Then again she may not.

Cutter,

I will cost me money, but not much. I think the closure may be worth it though. For the house it kind of makes things better as it forces the issue now and not after July where W can benefit financially from it.

The biggest reason I am thinking about it - me.

I had no intention of giving W a divorce because SHE wanted it and I wanted to make HER pay for it. But I realised, where in there is this about me?

So, I thought, what do I want - truthfully, I want peace. Whether it's forgiveness, closure, distance, whatever, I just want peace in my life again. I want to be able to feel that I can move forward without the threat of a M hanging around my neck that only one of us valued.

So, with this and with my house in mind I texted W today to ask if we can sit down, have a coffee and a chat. If she had texted me I would have ignored her, but within an hour she responded with a big long text about how she is off work tomorrow, has an appointment in the afternoon but can make the morning about 11am. A bit too quick and eager (as she normally takes HOURS to respond to texts). Too much info. Not reading anything into it as I just couldn't care less, but it was just out of character.

So tomorrow, I have a meeting with her. I hope it goes like this:

Me: Why did you change your mind about not wanting the house?

Me: Just after getting contact for D sorted, you are now going to split me and D up as I will have to move away?

Me: No, me and D's mum are NOT back together and will never be back together. I thought if one person on earth would know how unlikely that is for me, it would be you.

Me: I will give you £5k as a return of the amount you paid to the mortgage for 3 years, and a little bit of interest if you leave the house for me and D.

Me: I want you to leave D alone and not send her any more cards, gifts or letters. She is upset about losing you and each time you contact her it reminds her of that loss.

I won't mention anything to her about going to her trustees about any money she may get from the house. I'll leave that bombshell for another day should I need it. I also won't mention anything about me seeing somebody else or the fact that I am moving anyway. Don't want to show all my cards at once

Packed about a dozen boxes last night of books, DVD's and my office (my goodness I have a huge amount of cr&p :)). So I've started. Off to see my IC just now.

Advice, suggestions, 2x4's, gifts, money, cake, or just a hug

[newmama]

(((P17))) Good luck! Watch out for her pushing your buttons and watch out for anything you discuss that could be used legally against you (or for you)


And if this isn't the best reason to file for divorce, then I don't know what is:

Worst case - I can't think of any.

[P17]

(((P17))) Good luck! Watch out for her pushing your buttons and watch out for anything you discuss that could be used legally against you (or for you)

I am going to look at secretly recording the meeting assuming I can find my digital voice recorder!

IC has suggested that I give no information away (as that gives power to the other person) and I answer any question she has with another question (as that doesn't give control of the conversation away to the other person).

Good tips

I also should stick to what I want to know or get across. No idle chit chat. No 'how are you's.

And if this isn't the best reason to file for divorce, then I don't know what is:

Worst case - I can't think of any.

I hadn't thought about the worst case before. I honestly can't think of anything other than the potential breakdown / going off the rails that most divorcees seem to go through at some point if my conversations and readings are to be believed. That scares me.

There is no financial worst case or emotional worst case. It just means I legally have what I have now - being on my own!

[chatterbug]

I think that since your moving on. That you act accordingly.

And never offer anything first. Wait to see what is asked for.

[newmama]

Well, answering a Q with a Q will probably tick her off, so just be prepared for that! I know, who cares what she thinks, right? Well ticking her off will not result in productive conversation or help you to have a smooth divorce! (IMO)

[P17]

Well that got screwed up!

Had meeting with W. Lasted less then 5 minutes.

Her: You are looking really good.
Me: Thanks. You look good too.
Me: I brought you here so we could talk about the separation agreement. I'm wondering why you changed your mind about not wanting anything.
Her: I want just what I'm entitled to.
Me: You do know that if you force me to sell the house I will have to move away and me and D will be split up.
Her: There are other options.
Me: What other options.
Her: I don't know.
Me: If I offered you £5k which is what you paid in the mortgage would you be interested?
Her: No.
Me: Okay well there isn't anything more to discuss then. <I got up and put my jacket on>
Her: <shocked look>

Me: D asked me to give you this and tell you she misses you.
Me: You need to leave D and I alone from now on. No cards, letters, phone calls etc. Everytime you do she is reminded of what she has lost. She is upset by you leaving. When you spoke to her at Xmas you crossed the line.
Her: She sought me out as she was really upset.
Me: You need to be the adult in this. If she speaks to you tell her you are busy. But I am not going to tolerate you upsetting my little girl. You need to leave her alone.

I walked away.

So I didn't control anything. I was extremely nervous and that was obvious. She did nothing but be smug and smile.

I am extremely upset by her attitude towards me and her attitude towards D. She seems to think she SHOULD be having a relationship with D and that it's somehow my fault that she isn't being allowed to. She also gives me the impression that she is doing nothing more than punishing me by wanting half of the house.

Gloves come off. Waiting to hear from my solicitor. Probably just file for D and force the house issue.