Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

Now he is feeling even more guilt and might even feel ashamed to be around you because he knows you have been faithful and trying everything you can to help the M, while he didn't. WIth the depression in mind, those feelings of inadequacy could cause this. You can't save him. He has to learn to deal with the times along and reach out when he needs to. If he does not want to go on meds, then he has to learn to reach out for help and learn himself what can help him so he can communicate that with you. Right now probably has nothing to do with you, but he needs some space to learn and process.

If you at least think positively and know from MIL that he is not hurt somewhere, then just leave him be. Give him some space and if he says something about you not reaching out, just let him know that you tried, but you felt he needed some space. You are doing great. It is hard, but remember, he is making progress on is still learning.

[Lucky11too]

I hope that is what he is feeling, but I'm afraid he's just not that insightful. Everything is still about him and finds a way to twist everything around so that he's not the bad guy. I'm concerned too b/c he's so darn stubborn! At our Saturday discussion, he told me that since I wasn't talking to him (during that whole I'm mad that you're mad at me thing last week) that he wouldn't have talked to me (if it wasn't for his drunk call that started us talking again) even if that meant never talking to me again. Omg, please grow up! And for as far as I know, he could be mad at me for being mad again (remember, I'm not allowed to have feelings or get upset. Please!). Whatever it is, it's just ridiculous. I have a feeling though that I'm not going to hear from him again unless I initiate something or if he has another drunken moment(which is quite possible given his current state of mind).

So daily events, when I went to pick up S today, MIL said H came over to see S today and that he was just in a weird mood. She left him alone with S for a few minutes, and when she came back, H was sound asleep. He's lucky S didn't get into anything and get himself hurt (we still can't leave S alone - he's just too active and always seems to find trouble). Not good. But yeah, he didn't wait to say hi to me or contact me at all again tonight. I kept myself busy (watched the season premiere of Lost!) but I'll admit that I was still hoping for something. I have a feeling that it's going to come back to me that I wasn't there for him, but I know he needs to figure this out on his own. These are all the issues I'm dealing with, but there's only so much I can do, especially if he won't open himself up to me.

It's the moments like this week that make me wonder why we put ourselves thru this, but I think it's this willingness to sacrifice that shows our true character and I know saving my M is worth every sacrifice in the world. However it turns out, at the end of the day, I'm going to know I did everything possible. On these down days, I just need to remind myself of that.

[Lucky11too]

Feeling pretty tired today b/c I'm not sleeping too well. Just waking up a lot, tossing and turning, etc. It's like my mind can't seem to turn itself off and I just keep thinking about everything. I'm having a lot of self doubt and keep going back and forth on everything. I can rationalize to myself both ways. Like I said, with H, by this point, it's probably a matter of principal now to not be the one to break and talk to me first (so highschool, huh? But he just keeps showing his low maturity level!). I shouldn't have to be the one to initate it given the situation, but do I take the upper road, and just end this? But on the other hand, I still don't know all the issues behind this and he might still reject any contact from me, in which I look foolish then. I don't know how he's feeling - is it anger at me, guilt, stubborness, all of the above? I just don't know. I think if I was to contact him, I would say something concrete - like asking if he would like to do dinner, where he has to give a definite yes or know answer & see where he's at, as compared to just a comment about S or something, where no response is really required. Not doing anything now, but just something I'm thinking about.

[Lucky11too]

I was just re-reading all my posts the last couple of days. I'm sure you want to slap me by now. You've been giving such great advice, but I just keep being so wishy-washy! Why can't I just be strong enough to say no, I'm going to let you live your life until you can step up and I'm going to live mine. Why do I let the fear of his words that he will never talk to me again get to me so much. (Although he does seem to be sticking to it). I'll I can think about is maybe I should say something to him to let him know I'm here and not angry anymore (disappointed and sadden in many ways, but I'm working thru those emotions). But then I go back and forth if that will help or hurt my case. Another thought that has crossed my mine (tell me if I'm crazy) is that maybe he feels rejected by me b/c I shot down his advances twice on Sat and Sun, so he's expecting me to put myself out there again? I'm afraid to get too far removed from his life and get replaced again, but as we keep saying, I can't save him (but on the other hand, I'm the only good influence in his life, so would be the best one to help guide him in the right direction). Grr. Annoyed and frustrated with myself, the situation, and H!

[awest1217]

You are completely ok to feel this way because honestly, there is no right way. You can get advice, but ultimately this is your life and you have to decide what is best for you. I know what has helped for me, but it may not work for you. I do believe you should go and get involved with some alcoholic family support group because they will be able to help you with the "saving" part. They can give you advice on how to work with H on that angle and when you are or are not helping him. They may say talking to him is important, but they may say he has to learn and although it is hard on you and you may lose him, the only way for him to learn and get better is to hit rock bottom. I can't give advice on that part, but they could.

You are doing great and don't feel bad about being wishy-washy. It is normal. Give yourself a break and get some sleep!

[Lucky11too]

You are right though to say what has helped you, b/c of the similarity of our situations and I just need to learn to be more patient. It was driving me crazy wondering what was going thru his head, but he started the no talking so he needed to be the one to end it. I almost had a few slips ups but I did end up resisting and it finally worked. I got a picture text around 4 from H showing S playing in his truck that he just took. I replied that it was a really cute pic. After that, I took a leap (since he had initiated the first contact) and asked if he wanted to have dinner tonight. He already had plans but he thanked me for asking. So now a funny story. When I go to pick up S, H is still there. Him & S are outside playing. I had worn a skirt that day (which I hardly ever do), so H is like why you looking so cute today? Who you dressing up for? Haha, getting a little jealous, huh? I just said that I just wanted to look nice for me today and wear a skirt before the rain came back again. He was totally checking me out but was still all suspicious. Then I go inside and I talk to my MIL. She tells the funniest thing. She said that H was about to leave at 5 (I get there at 5:30), so she tells H, "Don't you want to stay and say hi. She looks really pretty today. She had such a pretty skirt on and just looked really nice." (just totally lays it all on.). Then that's when H starts questioning his mom, who she dressing up for? etc etc. It was just funny. I couldn't help but smirk.

So that was funny, but there's still just a weird tension right now. I can't figure out what it is exactly - maybe it is guilt, I don't know. Whatever it is, he's not in a good place right now emotionally. It will be interesting to see what happens this weekend to see if he initiates anything. Now I've definitely but myself out there again with the dinner invite, so it's up to him for the next move. I'm feeling a little better now - I just got myself too worked up. I think between work and this situation, I'm a little high strung right now. I want to get back into yoga but class times are right at S's bedtime. It would be good for me, so I might try to see if I could work something out with my parents to go once a week.

I started looking into the alcolohic support groups the other day. It could be helpful. I wish I could find some crash course on how to deal with alcoholics and then continue with the support groups for, well, support. I think I just need to look into it more - hopefully this weekend.

[awest1217]

I am very glad that H came around. It is also awesome that he is jealous. Just be careful to reassure him there isn't OM because since he has admitted to you that there were OW, he may be thinking that it was so easy for him and you said no to being intimate so you might be with someone else. Now don't go too far, but make sure you reassure him that besides S, he is the only man in your life. It is good that you said you were looking good for you. I did that New Years and will again this weekend. At the youth conference there are always people that I grew up with so I like to look nice because it is like a high school reunion every year...

Praying that the weekend goes well and you get some time to rejuvenate yourself with all the stress right now.

[Lucky11too]

So interesting turn of events yesterday (kind of). H texts me in the afternoon and asks about getting together that night. We go back and forth on some of the details and then he was going to come to dinner and then wasn't going to come to dinner. The reason he didn't come to dinner is that he got off at 5 and we have dinner at 6-6:30 (S's schedule). He didn't want to come earlier b/c he wanted to take a rest after work b/c he had been out partying the previous night. By that time, I was just plain annoyed and I didn't even care if he came or not (actually more on the the too annoyed/pisted off side, that I didn't even want to see him). He took a nap and didn't get there until 8:30, so he totally missed seeing S (who goes to bed at 8). So I was annoyed by that too. We watched some TV with my parents but then H says he is bored and just wants to get out of the house, plus he's hungry, so we end up going to the resturant. The only good thing that came out of being out of the house is that it gave us a chance to talk again. Like DR said, the questions come in waves, so I had a few that were bugging me still, so I had him clarify them for me. He was definitely not as open and started having a anxiety attack when I asked him (heart palpatations), but he answered me and nothing new or earth shattering, just some clarification. I explained to him that it was healthy for me to be dealing with these feeling and that asking questions is normal and explained that I have also taken the time to explore why the affair happened in the first place. DR had me down to a T when it discussed about being over critical and nagging and also about the line on how it's not about how they feel about the OP, it's about how the OP makes them feel about themselves. We agreed on all this, but I hope he realizes that this does not excuse his actions. I emphasized too the importance of complete honestly going foward (I emphasized this several times so hopefully I didn't go overboard). So anyways, when we got back, we watched TV and a movie and H spent the night. He slept in all morning until lunch time, then we had a few fun hours with S, and then he left for work.

A few things that are in my head right now are just about his stubborness to sacrifice and to change. For me it's frustrating b/c the two men in my life have complete opposite schedules. If I want to spend time with H, then I have to be up in the late hours, but then S is going to be up early no matter what time I go to bed. So take last night, I was up with H watching TV until 2 and S was up at 6, so I got 4 hours of sleep. So very tired! Obviously S can't change his schedule, so it would be nice if H would try to work with me on this - either go to bed earlier or take turns waking up early with S - neither of which are ever going to seem to happen. He's just so dead set on me having to make all the changes about everything. He has this kind of ridiculous comment about how if we get back together, we were going to get a pool table for our house. Ok fine, if we can afford it, but it just irked me the way he was just like I want it so this is the way it is going to be. I'm learning more and more that he honestly thinks the world revolves around him!

He mentioned a few things more about the OW's today. OW1 still works at the sports bar with him. She comes down to this area for three days and stays with a friend and then goes back home. I guess H and her got in a big fight about this the other day and he told her again that she needed to quit and find a job near her home. Finally she respond, Fine, I'll quit just for you (or something along those lines). H sure has a lot of power over these women. But like he was saying, he has control issues, and these two OW's he can sure control! Also, we were talking about the stupid things OW1 does with her son and he was telling me how they went out a couple of weeks ago (oh great) and her S took a drink of her drink. What! Omg, this girl is just so stupid. H seems pretty exhasterbated by her, which is good, saying how all they ever did was fight, fight, fight, which he thought was so stupid. I was just like, yeah, I don't know why you kept being "friends" - arguing all the time is just so emotionally draining. Regarding OW2, H assured me that she is gone. He had originally deleted her # and everything, but she's been sending a few texts, so he has it again. H said the latest one was from TX (she's on a road trip to her home town on the east coast) where she was talking about there being a lot of Toyota Tundras there (H's car - I guess he said the Toyota plant is located there). I wish she would disppear completely off the face of the earth, but her getting farther and farther away is a good thing. I just wish the communication would cease completely. Obviously, I only know what H tells me, but I hope he is being honest with me.

One last think to mention is that he mentioned something about Valentine's day! He can't do Sunday b/c he was to work but since it's kind of Valentine's weekend, he wants to do something with me on Friday night. =) So we'll see what pans out with that. I'll let him do the planning and see what happens. No expectations at this point. I got him a card (it talks about tough times but me still being here, loving him, etc etc) and am thinking about making a little photo collage of pics of S, S and H, S and me, and the pic we have of the 3 of us (that's pretty sad, huh - 1 pic!). I'm gonna reread the card and make sure it still feels right given how much evertything has changed and will have to reevaluate it again next weekend. So, I don't know, it seems like there's always some drama going on over here. Just being with him, I just look at him and honestly don't see how we could ever have a future together again. We just seem like such two different people now. I mean, you've got to have something in common (I was listening to a sermon recently about being in tune in mind, body, and spirit), but I honestly think the only thing we share now is chemistry and a physical attraction to each other. But just trying to remain faithful and see what path God leads me in. I still have the hope in change as he continues to seek help. That is the one hope that is keeping me going...

[awest1217]

I am glad you are finding strength to continue on. Remember don't get your hopes up too much about V-day because H may not follow through, but if he does that is great. I am also glad H will answer questions for you. It is good that he is being open, but from experience, watch what you really want to know and how much he talks about them. My H talks about his OW all the time around me and it drives me nuts, which proves to me he is still obsessed with her. Don't set yourself up for more hurt so try to make the conversations about OW only answering questions and not him telling you everything all the time because that hurts more.

Have a good Sunday!

[Lucky11too]

I am very interested to see if H follows thru on Friday. This is his chance (now that the OW issues are supposedly behind us) to really show me how much he loves and cares for me. I don't have any expectations, but if he was smart, he would make this one count.

Yuck, I know, I totally get the annoyingness of hearing H talk about OW. Throughout this past year, there was many times where we would be talking about S and H would go, well, OW1's S this or that. Ug, I don't care about OW1's S. So you're right, that has to stop. I would like to know when he talks to them (which hopefully ceases shortly) just so I feel he is really trying to be open and honest with me, but besides that, I don't want to hear about them ever again. I think I'm done with the questions now and ready just to make that be the past, but I still feeling cautious. With OW1 still driving in 2 hours every week just to make a little more then miniumum wage makes me think that she's not ready to let go yet. Like H said he told her, her friends, family, and home are out there now, so there is no reason for her to be coming back. So it 'sounds' like H is done with her, but I don't think she's done with him yet...