I go back and forth between love and hate of my ex.
I may see if I can get a sooner session with my IC.
After reading the first three chapters of "Codependent no more" I can see that I have at least mild codependency.
My ex was a mediocre mother to our daughter and mediocre partner to me...when she was loving times were good but when she was in full rage it was awful. She spent way too much time going out after work or even on her days off instead of taking care of the baby and our family/home.
My own mother reminded me of times when I would call her and tell her how "I dont know how much more of this I can put up with".
I'm ashamed to admit it...but I am now recalling times when I was so put off by her neglectful attitude toward me and spending time with our family...that I may have eventally became a WAS. I remeber thinking "If I can just hang on until D3 graduates high school...then I'll leave her." or "If I can just hang on til D3 graduates college...then I'll leave and D3 will still be ok."
So maybe some of my reaction to my ex leaving isnt all about remaining love for her, its about despising the rejection she gave me and the fact that she did it before me.
But that still confuses the hell out of me. Because if all I'm reacting to is being rejected first...why wouldnt I be ok with not being with her anymore?
I guess I always thought she might clean up her act and that things would eventually be ok...that she would return to being that sweet lving girl that I fell in love with...which seems to be what many co-dependents in the book thought.
And Gardner...I turned my cell phone off not to stop myself, but to give my ex a taste of her own medicinc. tit for tat as citygirl would put it. But then I realized that she couldnt call and say goodnight to D3 if my phone was off so I turned it back on.
Of course, she didnt respond to my message...and she didnt call D3 to say goodnight either which is surprising. She and OM must be having a real time of it for her to neglect saying goodnight to D3. It's too bad he isnt married...I'd love to open that can of worms.
