Start of the end..

[iwantittowork]

In the history of crappy weekends in IWITW's life, this one has got to take the cake..

Woke up at 4:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep with the memory of yesterday still ringing in my head..

So, I planned on taking d9 skiing today just to do something with her, and she was excited to go.

In my mail is stbx's Oil bill and yearly oil contract renewal to the tune of $900 dollars I have to come up with.

Hop in my car, and the transmission has blown. Un freakin believable. I have 350k miles on this car, from commuting for 8 years to support my family, and now it gives out. I have friend in the field that can get me a used tranny, but he and I will have to do the work ourselves, to the tune of another grand in 2-3 weeks we can get to it.

Well, I have a secondary summer car, a convertible mustang gt, not exactly fun to drive in the winter up here, but I will have to make due. Well, hop in and battery is dead. Figure it's just from sitting, so jump it from the other car, pack up d9 and ski's (Try fitting 176cm ski's in a convertible. NOT FUN..) Stop for gas, and when I go to start it back up. Dead. Great. It's Sunday and the station garage is closed, so no-one has jumpers. So, d9 and I hang in car waiting for AAA for an hour to jump start it. Go buy a new battery, to the tune of another $100 bucks, then have to put it in outside in 20 degree weather. Friggin unbelievable.

Putting new battery in, I find that the negative terminal is shot, so have to go back to parts store, and of course they don't have a matching one, so I have to hack in a generic one. Nice..

I finally get d9 to the ski area and at least get a couple hours in, to fulfill what I promised, and for a bit, I at least laugh as she is having a blast.

I don't mean to brag at all, or make light of other's with less than I have, but I make a 6 figure salary, and I am running around like a teenager trying to keep a frigging car on the road, and can't pay my bills, and not from really a place or position of my own making entirely, and that is a tough to deal with...

Heard enough whining yet??

*sigh*

Now, back to more personal issues...

I realize now, that I needed to find proof of what I already know, and why I checked stbxw's email. Our MR is dead. Was dead. Was never really alive in the 15 years we were together, despite what I thought I knew.

What I also realize is why it hurts so much. Not because she is with someone else, but because she is NOT with me. There is a difference. The pain is from realizing I was not able to give her what she needed from a physical or emotional standpoint.

That is why your self esteem takes a hit, and why it hurts. That is about me, not her.

Well, I surely hope that someday I can find someone that I can meet the needs of, and vice versa. That is hard to think about, at 40+ years old.

For now, I may just watch the football game and crack a beer and snuggle with d9 and hope that it just all goes away....

At least for tonight..