Hang in there mate, Sandi's advice is fab, infact Im stealing some of it too off your post. Think your speech was sincere, and to the point, she cant avoid what she is doing as you pointed it out clearly and firmly. Im dealing with some resentment today from H so I really feel your pain, but they cant have their cake and eat it. Hope you finally got some sleep and that it was peaceful and refreshing, its twice as hard to be patient when your tired.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Slept some, not enough. Woke and just couldn't back to sleep, did notice W was tossing and turning too, oh great...I went to sleep at least 2 hours before she did. Kids woke up and I grabbed them and took them downstairs. Why - cause I don't want to deal with W right now, so the longer she sleeps, the more peace I have. Going to make us a fab breakfast.
It hit me this morning the irony and oh how I wish I had thought of this last night when we were talking. W says she got upset on Friday because I wasn't home as soon as she thought I was going to be. I was probably 30 minutes later than expected and I texted her as soon as I was able to leave. The irony is this is the exact same thing she has been doing consistently to me over the past month or so...and she is often hours late and doesn't bother to tell me. Boy I wish I had realized this last night. How's it feel would probably have been my response.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Good job being assertive and standing your ground. Also, good job on not doing so much for her anymore.
Now, you need to focus on the sitch with the dog and realize that everyone's emotions will be intense, so no R talk for the next few days. Time to be supportive and sensitive to the emotions of all three females in your house. With W, just don't take it too far so that you are being taken advantage of again. You showed your firm, asserive side, and now she needs to see your sensitive, supportive side.
I agree with Sandi that there were some positive signs starting as well. Don't put too much stock into statements like "let me go". My H said stuff like that all the time, when, in fact, he was very confused and uncertain of what he wanted. Don't give up on your M yet.
Hi Rocked. Good advice. Hope you sitch continues to go well. You are a great role model.
Today was interesting as I suspected, probably due to emotions over dog. I am here to be supportive to W, but so far, she doesn't want any support. Was there for Ds as was W today.
Day seemed to start where night left off, so I just ignored her and did my own thing for a few hours. Then things start to change. W comes down and tells me she is in pain with a "condition" that hasn't been this bad since after she had 2nd child. The medical issue isn't relative, so I won't state what it is, but I am positive she is sincere and positive she is truly in pain. She says she can't go to store for groceries for week. I nicely tell her all she has to do is talk to me, I have no problem going to store. I convince D8 to go with me. While I am gone, W does some serious cleaning in the house...scrubs the stove, oven, microwave, and fridge. And she started folding the laundry that I had done. Wow. Interesting.
W also made sure she helped me put kids to bed and tonight is hanging out with me as she does a little work.
Don't know if this is all because of dog and the raging emotions or just another case of the up/down or her being nice because of the over the counter medication I got for her while out...she was almost afraid to ask me to get the stuff.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Interesting she was afraid to ask you to fetch something for her, just shows that she really does know she is pushing her luck, which is a good sign shows she isnt always in fogland and occasionally comes out to see if the world is the same as she left it.
Its sad that the dogs passing finally brought her out of her shell for the girls but on a positive note it might jog her thoughts on spending more time with them.
Hope everything goes as well as it can today, will be thinking of you all (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I caught that immediately.....the part where she was mad b/c you were late. Crazy. She's looking for things to blame you.
I hate to say it, but I think there is only one reason she would be on the computer late hours like this. May be a new OM, but I think it is a man. Don't know anything else that would cause a woman to lose that much sleep and take away from everything in life.
She is playing you for a fool b/c she doesn't think you will catch her in the act (computer activitey) or follow up on the history. (She's probably erasing history) She will act outraged at your mistrust in her, etc., but she continues to do it. She's throwing just enough cumbs out there to keep you completely off balanced and to give you just enough hope so you won't investigate her new love interest.
I tried to see the posivitive in everything, but I have to be frank and tell you that I believe she's in a strong EA. The BS she said about looking at pictures of dog? Why wasn't she spending all that time with the dog while she could? You look at pictures "after" the dog is gone.....not during the last few hours you have with him. Then she continues her computer activity late into the hours even after you call her hand on it. It's almost as if she is trying to see how far she can push you before you give up and give her walking papers.
If she was not continuing her computer late hours, then I would think her mood swings were due to her coming out of the EA.....but I don't believe she's coming out. There may have been some change in the EA R, but she's still in one. Anytime a woman "shuts" hereself off in a room......it's for privacy, and why would she want privacy from her H unless she was doing something inappropriately.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I didn't answer your question about what to do regarding her shutting herself off in room with computer. As said before, I believe she has found a new EA or the old one is still active. Whatever the case, this is a display of disrespect toward you as her H. I believe you need to set a boundary in place. I don't think you were ready for that when you first came to the board, but I think you are now.
You say, "When you shut yourself off alone with the computer and/or stay up until the early hours in the morning b/c of your computer activity, it makes me feel very disrespected as your H. We have discussed this before. I have decided that I will not tolerate being disrespected in my own home. if you continue this behavior, I will __________________ "(state the consequences).
Don't allow her to interrupt you before you finish.
I don't think any exposure will do the trick this time. If it is the same man, she simply went deeper undercover with the EA so nobody at work would suspect. You need to think of a stiff consequences for her. Something that would cause her to suffer if she continued her computer activity. If it is not stiff enough, it won't work. It must be something that will cause her to make a life long decision. This has gone on long enough. Time to draw the line in the sand.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Got to disagree here. This is not just his home. It is her home too. If my marriage was questionable, and my husband gave me an ultimatum, yes ultimatum, like that I would fight him royally, or I would start the divorce. This is seriously controlling behavior, saying "you will not stay up late at night on the computer", when he has no knowledge that she is corresponding with another man at the time, is too much. Marriage does not mean that one person gets to dictate allowable activities to the other. Wives are not children, and should not be treated like children. He doesn't get to give her bedtimes.
Though I'm new here...I'd have to agree with Sandi...
Here's an idea - I guess she probably wouldn't give you access to her laptop at least on a routine basis. Depending how technical you are --- You have a few options:
1) Look around...get a commercial or open source key logger that you can completely hide in the background. Try to get it installed one day on hers and then you can map into her PC remotely from yours (if you know any acct on here) to analyze the logs.
2) Since she's carrying it with her i'm assuming it's wireless - get a packet sniffer installed on YOUR machine - you can then grab all wireless packets coming across your router to analyze. Some packet sniffers are already setup out of the box to grab all the standard chat conversations - MSN, AIM, etc.
Well, I think Sandi is likely right about the reasons for the behavior (unfortunately) but I will state my opinion again that things need to wait until the dog sitch is wrapped up. It will be a difficult few days. Is it possible she will use that as emotional manipulation? Yes. But, I am thinking of you GW, and your girls.
A thought about the debate on whether to set a boundary or not... there is an interesting thread on the extramarital affairs forum called the "Ghandi approach". This is posted by some of the men who have made some decisions about how to confront these behaviors in their WAW's.
I have not been around as long as Sandi, I have never been a WAW, and I really only have my own sitch to go on, but I lean towards Lotus' advice and worry that you will push her farther and deeper into the A if you come accross as "controlling". There is a way to be asserive, firm, and have boundaries without making it sound like you are her father.
Don't want to make things more confusing for you, though GW. AGain, take time to grieve your dog and take care of yourself and your girls right now. ((GW))
