Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

Hi Rob,

Thank you for your feedback & the 2 x 4. I definitely need a few more of those!

Something more accurate and more effective is to push them towards the other person.

Thats how I feel now. Or maybe more accurately, that is what I've decided right now. H. clearly wants OW more than me. So, he should go pursue that possibility b/c I am done being second choice, or the fall back if R w/ OW doesn't work out.

Move on.

Move in the opposite direction.

If they're involved with another person,
you begin social interaction with other people, ie. dating. You show them that you agree with their actions and that you want to do the same thing because in the end it's the best thing for you as well to be with other people who would value you and the relationship they have with you.

Again, agree 100%. I fully plan on dating [casual, no sex] as soon as I'm moved out. I'm clearly not ready to be in a R w/anyone, but think going out and having fun will a. pick up my spirits b. help me remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea. c. help me actually move on.

Don't follow your feelings, don't pursue them, don't try to be "best" spouse possible so that they can make the decision between the other person and you: you take the bull by the horns, you make the decision for them, you remove yourself as an option to them, you move, "I've decided this is what's best for me", and you move in the opposite direction.

Absolutely. I had a tough time deciding whether or not I should be the one to move. In the long run, my moving is the best decision for ME, despite it making life much easier for H.

You are pursuing someone who rejects you.

Ab-so-f'in-lutely. And that behavior has come to a grinding halt once again.

Remove yourself as an option, let them have the other person, because now they can't have you and you're happy (yes you're happy, read that part, fricken ecstatic, glue that smile on if you have to) because you get to move on and experience everything life has to offer you.

You stop pursuing them, you stop chasing them, you stop being nicey nicey, you stop buying gifts, doing chores, running errands, you stop being their spouse. You can be civil and friendly but you don't owe them anything.

That is exactly where I am again. I was doing all the above from Nov [before NC] up until 2 weeks ago. I knew I was going down the wrong track, but the clock ticking made me somehow entertain the notion that kissing his a$$ was going to work. I've been packing, getting rid of junk, organizing all week. H. comes down, and I'm smiling, laughing, stopping to play w/dog. Dog has been my shadow through all this.

So now we do what works.

We follow reality.
We observe reality.
We don't do what our "feelings" tell us to do because technically your "feelings" are responsible for all of your actions during his affair and your actions have been fighting his feelings. You stop fighting his feelings and he has nothing left to fight against.

You stop pursuing and he has nothing left to reject.

You move in the opposite direction and "move on" with your life and you've created space & distance between the two of you. You stop pursuing and you removed yourself as an option and all of a sudden his affair will become less exciting.

You move on with your life and appear to prepare yourself for a great new exciting "single" life and he will turn around and take notice and that's when the dynamic in this relationship will change.

These are the things I'm looking forward to. Setting up my new home, dating, living life on my terms, without the stress of living with a petulant, lovesick teenager - err, H. It seems like there is only a positive outcome for me at the end of all this - happy, single Ruined or happy, M Ruined.