#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[Kalni]

The fact alone that you caught him being dishonest is something he wont like very much. Think of what you are trying to get across to him and then write it. My personal experience is so far that less words send more powerful messages.
K

[flowmom]

I want to post in other people's threads because I want to support others, but sometimes I feel bad that I don't really have much experience or useful input. I just realized though, that when I post my naive advice in someone's thread, the "vets" just can't stand it and have to correct me, and that ends up being the help that the person in the sitch really needs . That just happened in Ruined's thread and it's great because she wasn't getting much input.

[flowmom]

I sent H this:

H -

I called you at work yesterday and you weren't there. Misleading us put me in a position of "covering" for you with the children. I am not willing to do that any more.

F

[rr22]

I'm sorry to say this, but prepared to be lied to and have to decide how to deal with this or whether to ignore it. I was not lied to for a decade (and no, I wasn't in denial) but now I am.
Also, I made the decision to have a boundary discussion about it recently, and it was not fun. I think my H has the temperment your DB coach referred to. I think your DB coach is correct about setting your H off with your tone and words. That said, my IC said there is a problem with treating adults with kid gloves. So contradictory advice. I'm trying to go the middle road. There are some good communication books that talk about soft start ups and things like that. The problem is, a lot of kneejerk conversations get started or triggered in life and then you're suddenly in the middle of one. So you must retrain yourself yet not walk on eggshells. It will take practice and be necessary with your coparenting.

[rr22]

The other factor is you said your H is suffering from depression. If this is true, forgetfulness is part of that. It becomes difficult to distinguish sometimes between deception from forgetfulness. Also, the issue of privacy during his separation and new single life is a factor. It gets complex.

[flowmom]

The other factor is you said your H is suffering from depression. If this is true, forgetfulness is part of that. It becomes difficult to distinguish sometimes between deception from forgetfulness. Also, the issue of privacy during his separation and new single life is a factor. It gets complex.

H is forgetful, but that wouldn't be the case here. I don't really think that H is entitled to privacy, but this isn't about invading his privacy. I'm not asking for him to account for his time, but to not lie to me or the children.

[flowmom]

So H phoned me to talk about the email...very unusual. He was quite defensive and said he was working all day, just not at the firehall (which he led us to believe he was at). I believe that he did work most of the day, though I happen to know that he went on a hike. I found out that he is on holiday and has 4 days off from the firehall, and was presumably not intending to tell me or the children. Anyway, he argued that he hadn't actually lied and that he was working. Splitting hairs I guess. I basically said that I thought he could be totally honest and also have the privacy and space that he wants. That he didn't have to volunteer false info for convenience, and that it doesn't teach our children the right thing.

The real zinger was when he said: "so if I told the children I was going home when I was actually going out on a date, which I haven't done yet, would you expect me to be truthful about that?". Inside, I screamed. I just said: "you could say "Goodbye, I'm leaving now, see you tomorrow"... there is not reason to volunteer false information".

My question now is: is it a trial separation when the H is planning to date? I just don't know how to feel about this. I feel like an idiot, listening to my husband casually talking about dating. What am I supposed to say to things like that??

I am sick of my sitch. I just want to run away and walk through a desert by myself until I feel cleansed of the ick of being rejected.

[newmama]

Hi, flowmom,
just wanted to give my opinion about your H's hypothetical q about dating...my gut reaction was he was just pushing your buttons! do you see that being a possibility with your H?

[flowmom]

Hi, flowmom,
just wanted to give my opinion about your H's hypothetical q about dating...my gut reaction was he was just pushing your buttons! do you see that being a possibility with your H?

I think he might have been "fighting back" at me for calling him on the dishonesty...but I also think that he is planning to date . He told my best friend that he wanted to date just days before moving out. Ugh.

[newmama]

Flowmom, sorry to hear that. :-(
He is a GUY though and dating doesn't mean committed relationship necessarily. And it does go with MLC. Oops I hope I didn't make it worse!!