He said he is done!!

[lea74]

RobX - this is great advise.

I can totally relate to this. It was probably only when my H moved out and told me he was done that I realised how much I wanted him. Up until that point i generally kept him at arms length always thinking he would be there - yes - this is my acceptance of the part that I played in the breakdown of our M.

So I think you are absolutely right - whilst we continue to be attached and show we are not the lost ones, we will be alone.

[lostnotgone]

I agree she is nothing - she too is married (18 years) - I have already told my H that she is to be no where near our children. I have even advised her that she is to be no where around my children. Of course H came back and said "so no one I meet is allowed near the kids" not what I said - JUST HER!!

[lostnotgone]

RobX - this is great advise.

I can totally relate to this. It was probably only when my H moved out and told me he was done that I realised how much I wanted him. Up until that point i generally kept him at arms length always thinking he would be there - yes - this is my acceptance of the part that I played in the breakdown of our M.

So I think you are absolutely right - whilst we continue to be attached and show we are not the lost ones, we will be alone.

I did the same thing - thought that we would always be together - that there was nothing we could not get through. We have had a couple of really hard patches over the years and we always made it through it. We always managed to work things out.

[lostnotgone]

RobX - this is great advise.
It was probably only when my H moved out and told me he was done that I realised how much I wanted him.

I really understand now - you never know what you have until it is gone.

[lea74]

Hey Lost,

I said the same. That she could not be around my kids and unfortunately he has had her around them every time including an overnight stay on holiday. Even when my kids asked him he didnt comply - unfortunately he is not thinking properly at the moment. I had to resort to a letter from my L requesting it. This totally flipped him out and he called me all sorts of colourful name. It really hurt, that he can defend someone he has only known for 2 years rather then the mother of his children.

It will be his loss though as my kids are starting to stay they dont want to go anymore.

I think you did the right thing but putting in a boundary so early, unfortunatley I left it too late and so she already knew them. She had been to my house a couple of times without me knowkiing whilst he had them over the holidays. I have never met her - when I aksed I was told no as he thought I might do something to her. WHAT!! I am not a violent person and if she is only a frined why would I need to do anything to her????

Stick with it - do not let her near them.

[lea74]

Oh yes - she is married too. My youngest found this hard to believe as he said he has never met him and anyway his words ' how can she be when she is goofying around with dad all the time.'

Kids are so perceptive - hence my 'lionness need' to propect them.

((( )))

[lostnotgone]

I wrote in my jounal before H arrived to get his things - I can not be angry anymore. I left my anger in my jounal - it is not good for the kids or me. When he arrived I asked for 5 minutes. Told him I can not be angry anymore - I still hate what he did and hurts like heck but the anger is tearing me up. I never could stay mad with him! No matter what he did and trust me we have had some bumps in the road.

For all of us to be healthy (kids and me) H and I have to begin on working on becoming friends (with boundaries of course). He agreed and then asked if I needed a HUG - we hugged for about 5 minutes!! Nothing more just a hug and telling each other that no matter what happens we will be okay.

I also asked about the OW - he said that she has her own issues right now - not sure if her H has found out what has happened. But there has been little or no contact in the past week.

My D16 and I left while he was moving things out and when we returned H and I had a couple of laughs with the kids.

I know that there is ALOT more work to do - but this was a step in the right directions of getting my Friend BACK! If all I can have is his friendship I will take it at this point - we have been a part of eachothers lives since I was 17!!

[lostnotgone]

Oh yes - she is married too. My youngest found this hard to believe as he said he has never met him and anyway his words ' how can she be when she is goofying around with dad all the time.'

Kids are so perceptive - hence my 'lionness need' to propect them.

((( )))

My kids are all teenagers so it is easier for them to make their own decisions about who they want to be around and not. They know what has happened - I do not keep secrets with the kids - I wish I had talked with H more like I do the kids - we might not be here if this was the case. H has agreed that OW will not be around them. He also said "I am so sorry that I hurt you" He admits that if we had been able to sit down long before now and talk we would not be where we are today.

Gives me some kind of hope that if we start communicating we might get back on track someday.

[lostnotgone]

Oh one more positive - he actually said how good I was looking - he hasn't said this in MONTHS!!

[lostnotgone]

Ok - so more thing - he told me that he was prepared for me to be still completely ticked off (the other night I could not even look at him) told me I blew him out of the water by not being and laughed - totally took him by suprised!

I am going to focus and ensure that contact with eachother is as positive as it can be and know that if we do have a bad day to communicate effectively to eachother.