A Choice

[flowmom]

Patpat, thanks for your replies to me...they help me to understand. Sorry I didn't follow up earlier.

I think that you are right to enforce the boundary of your W not contacting the OM.

Me.... Boundaries. W can give up OM. Me.... Boundaries..... W is having a hard time giving up our best friends of the last 15 years. These folks (our so called friends) let my W sleep with OM in their house. They (our friends) are a source and constent reminder of the pain I have been feeling. I do not want them in my life. I will not have that. She wants to keep them as friends. Can't reconcile this way. her sister and mother.... [censored] is deep. They too have allow this behavior. Me.... Boundaries. I do not want nor will I accept mother or sister in MY LIFE. W needs to choose. She thinks I am unfair. I told her she damaged these relationships when she chose OM and went 100% public with A.

I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole background of your sitch so I'm sure I'm missing some of the context here. I think it's inappropriate for you to ask your W to discontinue relationships with her mother, her sister, and multiple friends! Contact with the OM is inappropriate, but it's up to your W to manage the other relationships in her life. If those relationships are toxic, she has to realize herself what's at stake and choose to do whatever it takes to be in the M with you. But I think that you are making a mistake by insisting that she cut out what to her is a vital support system. You may not realize what you are asking her to do because support people tend not to play as large a role in men's lives as in women's lives. Giving and receiving support allows women to release oxytocin, which is the love hormone. Your W needs to come to the M as a free agent, and your attempts to control how she gets to the place of being able to meet you halfway seem like they are likely to backfire. Your feelings towards the people in your W's life are understandable, but they are not the ones who truly hurt you, your W is. I apologize if I have it all wrong.