Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[trustingfaith]

And MLC will test every little bit of endurance you think you have. The pain does make it hard. If I ever allow myself to think about how not fair it is, how I don't understand how this wonderful guy I was married to for so long could hurt me so much, how much it affects the kids it can drive me crazy and puts me in a bad place. It is hard to push those thoughts out sometimes, though.

And, as far as what I have read of other MLCs on here, I think my H's is on the milder side, yet it is still taking way longer than I would have thought. It truly does move at a snail's pace (and some are even slower than that!).

[MHL]

TF,
Got through your sitch yesterday, 53 pages it seems as though there has been some softening on your H's part. Do you feel like there has been anymore movement on his part or is it about the same?

I feel like my W is in the same place she was at the end of December, but really not much movement. We had the incident on Jan 2 but I have control of that, "that" being me, so intend to not look or try to find out if she is dating or going out or whatever. I am going to focus on me and being nice to her when I do see her.

I feel like this is the real beginning of the "endurance" for me, she seems like her "old" self when I am around her and communicate over the phone she is just not here. I think we will be friends for sometime before anything else would happen. I plan to use this "limbo" time to really work on me.

[trustingfaith]

I think the only reasonable thing we can do during the limbo time is work on ourselves. We will definitely benefit (as will our kids, other relationships, etc.) from that no matter which way our M goes in the long run.

Movement here? It is so hard to say. Looking back the past couple of months, not much has changed. Compared to a year ago, things are quite different. It is so hard to explain. My H seems so much like himself when he is around now, only not "all" of him. I don't know if that makes any sense.

A year ago, he was distancing himself in a huge way and was just mean and picking fights and finding fault with everything I did or said. He was NEVER like that before - always concerned about me, the kids, etc. I am at almost a year post-bomb now. He all but completely ignored the kids for a few months. Now he is way more in tune with them, usually more involved with them when he is at home, and even acting more like a dad with discipline and helping with homework again. Yet he still doesn't let me in on much of his life at all (though a bit more than he had been). So I guess he has softened but I am sure in his head he still thinks he would be happier not being a husband/father. He seems just miserably depressed a lot.

I get frustrated at times because I don't think he will be one to be stuck forever but it is all in God's timing and hands and I have to keep reminding myself that!

A couple of months is just a drop in the bucket with MLC - for the most part I think most of us won't notice any big changes or movement in that short of a period of time with our MLCers.

Yes, it is best to try to not figure out what is going on with your W, whether she is going out, what she is doing. The monsters can really come out to play in your head then. Just try not to focus on her at all. She is going to do what she is going to do right now regardless of whether you know about it (and therefore probably worry about it) or not.

So your W is more like herself in person than on the phone? Interestingly, my H tends to call me when he pours out his heart rather than tell me in person, though he lives here. I guess he feels safer that way. Who knows.

[MHL]

TF,
January blew by like it was nothing, and yet I know there have been some small, snail like positive things but I know February is another month and I can't help but think "Is this the month that I will mark something major in my journal?" I am getting used to the time it is a badge of honor now, "How long did it take?" Will I be able to answer that question one day, what I am slowly realizing is that, that question could be asked of either outcome. A) How long before she woke up and came to her senses? B) How long before you woke up and really moved on without her?

So your W is more like herself in person than on the phone? Interestingly, my H tends to call me when he pours out his heart rather than tell me in person, though he lives here. I guess he feels safer that way. Who knows.

Actually, the 3 "real" conversations we have had in the last 3 months have been over the phone and yes I think she feels safe that way. In person, it feels like we never separated. The beautiful smile, her eyes, oh, her eyes, they kill me. I have to look away sometimes when we are exchanging my S9. We talk about the kids like we used to, everyday stuff. Nothing in the future, no R talk, just kids and schedules and work stuff.

There isn't anymore distancing, but no initiating of contact either. I remember the distancing but it was when she was with other men and I don't think she could face me because of the guilt, it was her coping mechanism. I think we have been apart long enough and the fact that she started the formal separation/divorce process that in her mind it is okay. It helps me not knowing, and I have had enough time to detatch to where I can consider the thought but it does not bother me nearly as much.

[cat04]

MHL,

My H and I are on the road to D. We both are aware of it and are both (ok me, who knows what is really inside of his head), fine with that fact. However, a sort of unique sitch, we still reside in the same house (separate rooms, separate lives).

One major exception, anyone that comes into this house, unless they have been informed of the situation, would see no difference in our R now than in our R years ago. Except that I smile a whole lot more. We still talk about house, S, schedules, with little problem.

I am not trying to discourage you in any way, I actually think being friendly is easier and way less stressful than fighting.

So I would take it for what it is. You get along. Does that make a M? No but it can be the foundation of a R in the future. She has to go through her process and finish. Believe me, you do not want to do this a second time.

They go through these periods and periods of detatchment. It is all part of the cycle.

Time is your friend and it is on your side. Use it wisely and you will never be sorry.

[trustingfaith]

Cat is right. The friendly is good and it is what it is for right now. I get impatient wanting to be H and W again, but friendly and being able to have a normal conversation about every day things beats the anger/spew/venom that can go with MLC.

The key is the detachment so that we don't focus so much on the state of their MLC or the future of the M and just live our lives.

And I know, easier said than done a lot of the time, at least initially.

[trustingfaith]

I also wanted to add that I really didn't see any "progress" or changes in my H until I could look back over several months and realize how much different things are now than they were a few months ago. It is a slooooooooooow process. There have been no sudden huge changes and there is always the cycling. One step forward, two (or more!) steps back.

[cat04]

Smiles and hugs to you TF!

[MHL]

Cat & TF,
Being friendly is easier and I know my W prefers it to the cold shoulder which I can do also, but that coldness that I can easily project can lead me to anger which is not good for me.

I too can look back and see that things are far different than they were 3 months ago. I wish that the separation/divorce agreement wasn't in the sitch, I would feel better about giving her the time she needs to work this out. Part of me wants to be her friend but not to the point where I will "friendly" divorce her and her life will go on with me in it as her friend if we get divorced.

I am finding that I walk a fine line between being friendly and being a friend with her. I have done so much for her as a friend and receive very little in return other than being with her from time to time. I do love her, and that ultimately drives what I do no matter what, it is that same love that reminds me to do so with no expectations. I am still committed to the time this will take but I am finding that I tend to re-examine things on a weekly basis and I need to make that time interval a little longer.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have done so much for her as a friend and receive very little in return other than being with her from time to time.

That old thing.

Freindship IS a two way street. You give to get. Sometimes the history of the friendship is enough to keep it alive alot longer than it should. Sometimes you look down the road. It's a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours type of situation.

We talk a good game about unconditional love, but we are not conditioned for it.

We expect returns on our investments.

We expect.

And that expectation is what quickly erodes at our ability to weather their MLC.

If you keep doing things and expecting a return from your spouse, you are hurting the chances you want. You will start to build resentment. Even if they come out you'll likely have a mental tally sheet with what is owed.

Do for her because YOU want to. But do not be keeping a score.