I havent send it yet girls. Today was worse. We went for lunch with the kids and I hardly spoke one sentence to him. All morning we wre passing each other at hallways and goign in an dout of the PC room. I smoked half a pack during lunch and he made a comment about it. He knew I was feeling really upset but never asked me why, thank God, the kids were there...
I wasnt silent out of anger but out of ...disapointement. I dont know if I have been depressed in the past, I am sure I was close if not it, but I dont understand how he is that depressed with me and wasnt with her. Maybe I am no good for him. Ali, you say let it go. Sure, why? What has changed? I am holding on to her more now exactly because his bahavior has nothing to do with being reassuring or loving. Why should I let it go? Do you KNOW he is not contacting her? His words? Well, he said the same words for over a year and he was sleeping with her while staying over here, going to MC, saying he wanted our M to work out. Maybe it didnt start out that way, but that's the way it ended.
Isnt it weird he has never logged in his yahoo account from the PC at home? He knows I have the keylogger and never logs in. How does that sound? I told you, I am "here" but a lot smarter.
It may be far from the truth and that's what I am thinking but where do I get the reassurance I need? He cant be loving, he cant be transparent, well? Let it go? No, I wont let it go unless it happens. I am not forcing myself to bypass natural feelings.
Friday night I wore a strapless black elegant dress and a lavender leather jacket, had great make up on, smelled good and guess what? He never made a comment, didnt know what I wore the next morning I asked him about it. As I was telling John, I would have told my MOM she was pretty if we were going out... You know how I felt for spending an hour to get ready, putting make up on, lotions etc etc? STUPID!!!! Yep, it's my issue. All this pop pyscology about doing it for you sounds good but hey, I am primitive, I still like my man to tell me I look gorceous and actually think so. That's the way I like it. Probably need lifetime therapy to get over that...
And you know what else? I can be very loving and forgiving and all those things that have booked me a first class seat to heaven, but sometimes, I want some of that back.
I want this M to work. I love him. But this isnt going well. And it breaks my heart to see my kids be so excited about him staying over. I guess my whole M was a mistake. K
