Positive developments? #2

[jon2911]

Thanks River and Michelle!

I have a thought kicking around this week, got derailed a bit by W canceling, but possibly still true. I feel like things have turned a corner, not quite to piecing, but that my attitude should be different. Right now I'm only calling her when we go to bed at night, but not doing anything during the day. I truly am busy and having a good time with my life here.

MWD on the twitter.com/divorcebusting posted today:

Keep track of everything you do this week that shows your spouse that you are thinking of him or her

This kind of advice usually bugs me, because I have a spouse but she doesn't want to act like it right now. Maybe that's changing, and she does? I'm going to do some things this week, keep track of them, and post here.

[MichelleLT]

DBing is about doing what works. So try out a couple small things if you feel it's time and see how she reacts. Can't hurt...too much.

[jon2911]

Sorry Michelle, missed your post last page. Austin, Houston, and Dallas make a triangle, all 3 hours from each other. So her moving to Austin wouldn't be any closer. Austin is where I'm from, and where my family still is. The strange thing is, there was always this tension with her wanting to move to Houston, and I was pushing for Austin. I guess we were both way too attached to our families.

[K4D]

Interesting concept with the triangle analogy. Keep posting those MWD things. That is true DBing from the author. I love it. It helps me out to.

Had a great time with you and everyone again tonight Jon. I am glad you came.

Kevin

[jon2911]

Thanks Kevin, great times! Call or text me today for the Superbowl info.

[jon2911]

Wow. I had thought this was coming, even talked it over a bit with the guys last night, and here it came.

Phone call from W:
"I'm trying to get out of my apartment, it's too expensive, and I have a few options, only two of which are free. That would be my dad's and grandpa's, neither of which would be good for me. Would you consider asking your landlord to rent the apartment next to yours, which just became available? (pause) I want you to know that I'm still resolute about what I decided in December."

I stayed nonchalant, told her I wouldn't expect that this would change that, but that it could be a good idea and that I'd check with the landlord on Monday.

The house I live in is divided into four apartments, and rented only to seminary students for a very low rate. I pay only $100/month, no utilities. It's sticky because W isn't a student, and I'm not sure what the owner or landlord know about the sitch. I would simply be asking for more space, something I've thought about several times but it's always been occupied. Now I hear they're having trouble finding a new tenant.

The building is also being inspected by the City on Thursday, they found a couple things out of code and are coming for a full inspection. Only through this did I find that the other upstairs unit is now empty.

W said she'd call me back after the Superbowl and help me with the wording in the morning. We'll see.

What I'm hearing is "I want to/have to move back, but I don't want you to think that we're immediately getting back together and everything will be perfect, etc. etc." So that's the way I'm taking it. Got to love the skittish WAW, thankful because of all of you I know how to handle it now.

[River]

Haha! Brilliant! I love your nonchalance skills too - such a great way to give her (and yourself) space. River.

[jon2911]

W called during the Super Bowl to tell me she found living arrangements and not to worry about it. Great timing W! I was ticked. What a roller-coaster. Great Saints win though! Thanks for coming K4D!

I was feeling angry and sad after the game, feeling like once again W was so close to coming back. And I keep offering my heart only to have it broken again. I decided not to revert to unhealthy self-protection, it's never worked in the past and won't work now. I choose to love.

Called W, and we had a great talk. Without being pushy or going to far, I stayed nonchalant and asked some questions about what's going on. Turns out her family is helping her a lot, and she's decided to move in with her grandparents. She has some massive debt problems (not a surprise), and she says only they can help. They're helping her get out of her lease and straighten things out.

"Wow, you must have really listened at that Dave Ramsey event" I said. "Yes, and the fear of FIL" she said. Her words. We joked about FIL saying he was Ramsey before Ramsey was Ramsey. FIL gave her an old PC to replace her dead laptop, she didn't tell him she bought a Netbook which comes today. His comment was "you have a huge family, why don't you ever ask us for help on things like this?" This has been the tension of W's life. How much family help and control is healthy? Not easy to answer.

She said she's scared to death moving to the grandparents, and her nightmares have been terrible. She's planning to move in the next couple weeks. Hopefully we're still on for Valentines, but I didn't mention it.

I really wish she would move back now, but maybe this will be a good thing. It gives me a chance to get out of more debt and focus on my job. And she should be in much better shape in a few months. The benefits question will come up around April, cross that bridge then.

Woke up at 5:00 AM, couldn't sleep, so sorted through some mail and then hit the gym with a couple Ramsey podcasts. I have some financial stuff to take care of, and the inspection on Thursday. Stressed, but feeling good.

[MichelleLT]

Dude that's some cheap rent

Interesting that she caved to the family pressure to ask for help. Her whole independence thing only seems to be mildly successful.

Do you think she expected a response from you faster? Or just that her family is too pushy?

[Tomato]

Wow. I had thought this was coming, even talked it over a bit with the guys last night, and here it came.

Phone call from W:
"I'm trying to get out of my apartment, it's too expensive,

It is only a matter of time before I receive something similar from my darling.

I'd give it a few statement cycles on the VISA card. All I can say is massive debt!!

Ted