Yes, Gno, we are in a very similar place. I appreciate all your words of wisdom on my string. I really do.
You're very welcome OB. I usually only speak from experience (my own and those of people I know personally) What can I say... I've lived a very colorful life.
Originally Posted By: Super Girl
I was here. Hope you are doing well.
Yes you was... and I am. Thanks SG.
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
I said it there and I will say it here - Wonderful words to remember and live by.
Originally Posted By: mishka422
That is wonderful Gno! Thanks for sharing that.
You're welcome. BTW, that didn't come out of a paperback self-help book. Those are my own words. Sometimes it's difficult to recognize that we live in fear until someone points it out to us. From there it is our own responsibility to do something about it.
Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
How are you doing Gno?
I'm doing OK Whole. Thanks for letting me know where your new home is.
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Drive-by to say Hi (((Gno)))
Smile. Thanks Serenity. I caught the bullet. LOL.
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Just a quick, drop in hello
Hey Gman, "Hi" right back at ya!
I keep forgetting to update my own situation. For now things are status quo. I'm living in my own place and Mrs Gno is in hers. There has been some communication between us and sometime I'll get to posting a real update.
I wrote this note to a friend of mine and thought it might help someone here too:
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Detachment is hard. It's easy to say, "Hey man, just erase the past decade of your life and move forward..." and that is bullshirt. Because during that period you had some really good times. You don't want to erase those because it would mean your life was meaningless -- and if you have children, it also erases the kids.
Unfortunately, it takes time. In the beginning we fall into the "attachment trap" subconsciously and need people to point it out to us. This continues until we become consciously aware of it, then we can consciously work on detaching until it becomes second nature.
The worst thing about the situation we find ourselves in is the extent of destruction that has been caused. We constantly dwell on it. When we are "in the moment", we can't see the forest for the trees, and we sink into depression. The depression happens because we are completely powerless to do anything about the situation. Even though we "know" we'll get through it, it still sucks.
I hate the phrases, "It needs time" , "It will pass with time". Yes, those terms are true. And the pain and hurt DOES subside with time. But what can we do to accelerate it? There is nothing we can do to make time go faster or slower.
There is ONE thing we CAN do however...
The "trick" is to minimize your mental activity on the situation for now. For now, don't think back on the good times or the crap that is going on. All we can do is GAL and get busy...and find things we enjoy doing. Firstly to distract ourselves from the crap that is going on, then, when we do it long enough, it becomes a habit. We become so occupied that we "forget" the fiasco at home.
That's when our mindset starts changing... we find ourselves looking forward to enjoying ourselves, improving ourselves... FOR ourselves. And we discover how our happiness depends on ourselves. With our improved self-esteem, confidence we find that when we do look back, we now have the mental strength to cope with what seemed insurmountable at first.
I am detached. It took me awhile... and your take on detachment is spot on. I have had several ask me about detaching, I have done my best to try and explain it.
I have pasted and copied your words for future use JIC others ask me to explain it. Along with S2 (drop the rope) I believe I have the proper info to pass around.
Thank you for the wise words and excellent description of what all of us are going and have gone thru....
I will be passing this around as I believe it will help all and I know you can not get to everyone here...
God Bless my friend and Thank you!
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Gnosis, your note helps me. I am at a place where detachment is necessary for my emotional well-being and I appreciate how you explained the nature of the process.
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
The next question that comes up is "Do I love her?" Yes, I do, and now it's my turn to add, "but I'm not in love with her." It's a strange feeling. I still have my ups and downs and question and second guess myself frequently. This is to be expected. Sadly our minds and feelings can't be switched on or off at will.
It seems like true detachment and attachment are mutually exclusive. When the bomb drops, the WAS isn't truly detached because they are actively involved in reacting against the LBS. If the LBS manages to detach post-bomb, s/he may end up ahead of the WAS in the detachment process, esp. if the WAS is involved in his/her own dramas. When the LBS truly detaches, it may only be the WAS who holds the attachment torch. Only if the WAS starts pursuing can reconciliation occur. But even then, both the WAS and the LBS must be open to and capable of re-attachment, with each other.
Am I understanding how things have played out in your sitch?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
When the LBS truly detaches, it may only be the WAS who holds the attachment torch. Only if the WAS starts pursuing can reconciliation occur. But even then, both the WAS and the LBS must be open to and capable of re-attachment, with each other.
You must be open and capable of attachment even with a new person. It's interesting they say it takes about 2 years to get over divorce before you are able to get involved with someone else and commit again. And they suggest about the same time to achieve success with DB. I can see how it will take me long time to be open and capable to commit again. Right now I feel like what's the point of being committed to someone, if they will walk out on you anyway. Hopefully I will feel different with time.
