Dear Friends, H and I had lunch together yesterday. It was one of the best interactions we've had for the past year...even as we talk about moving towards D. I projected my best self and was calm, confident, upbeat, joking. For the most part it went very well. He did make a few snarky comments but I did not react, let them slide. Rest of the time he was pretty friendly and neutral, we just caught up about life, work, friends, family. He opened up that he is really not loving his job so much and working really hard, weekends included. Having some issues w his family too. We asked each other if we were dating other people and said we'd both gone on dates but nothing serious. He is not seeing anyone, said no time given his work schedule. I believe this to be true (confirmed by a mutual friend I know as well).
Then I came out and told him about my move to CA, transfering out there, excited to be in that env't etc. This prompted the 'where do we go from here'/'filing' conversation. We both handled this extremely amicably, and actually glad we did in person. It was not emotional, more business-like but relatively friendly (if that can be said?) I came out and asked him about tuition reimbursement. Without hesitation he said that is a very reasonable request and he has no problem paying me back, he had intended to.
I told him I'd met w a L to educate myself on the process, but had not yet hired one (the L suggested saying this, to see how H would respond about how to handle/wanting anything/tuition $). We looked over the financial forms we needed to fill out, and what we each knew about the process. Agreed we didn't want anything from each other, just each walk away with what was each ours (this is what L advised best outcome anyway, my savings, his debt). We agreed we'd rather save money on L fees and he'll be true to his word about tuition reimbursement. I do feel this is the best and most fair possible outcome.
At one point we even held hands and said how much we each cared about each other, how much we we will always mean to one another. We both teared up a bit at one point...but overall the interaction was not charged w emotion. I did no pleading or begging. He said this is what he's wanted all along, to be able to sit down with me and get the elephant out of the corner (he said if we didn't have this convo over lunch he would have just emailed me about it this weekend), and to be able to be friends without feeling like I am trying to convince him to work on M. I reiterated once that I would have of course preferred to give our M another shot, but had come to terms (a la Dobson) with fact that I have to let him go. He said that is what is best for both of us...he doesn't want to go back to the way we were. He said he wants to help me with my move and spend some time as friends before I leave. Said once we get D over with, he'd hope that we can have a friendship/civil relationship.
So Wow. How do I feel? We had a huge embrace upon leaving and he texted each other that we really enjoyed lunch and he said 'so great to see you' followed by a few small jokes about football (being that I am totally clueless on the sport and he got a chuckle out of that).
I felt a warmness, a tenderness towards him. Being friendly and having him agree to tuition without any issue has helped me release the anger and bitterness. This is how I feel: knowing that I am not getting what I've really wanted - my H back - I feel like this is the BEST alternative outcome. I feel like our legal/financial arrangement was very just and fair, and I feel like we had a positive exchange overall. I feel like I projected my best self to him. He said few times how he just really wants to see me happy but didn't think we were right for each other. Of course that still makes me sad and there is a bit of that lingering heartbreak (which will lessen in time i hope), but there was no fighting, no tension, and LESS awkwardness once we DID address the filing stuff.
I don't feel like I was a doormat in any way and I feel like he respected me. Do I get chance for reconcil? No, HIGHLY unlikely at this point. So if D is the outcome we are going towards inevitably, I'd rather handle it as collaboratively as possible, which we both agreed we would do. It was weird how non-emotional we were about the whole process, even joking about how we can't get the purple forms mixed up w the yellow forms, and he said 'ask your family friend about this...do we need to fill this out?' He wants this to be a team sport, almost..sounds silly but that's how we tried to approach it yesterday.
I feel funny a little..happy and slightly numb at the same time. I feel a compassion for him. There was never an A during M together so we didn't leave on those circumstances, just a build-up of really bad fighting the year before he left. He acted out a lot during our separation, and I acted out at times during our M. I've learned a lot from this experience, and yes of course I'd still love chance w H, but he's not there and I think he still has some issues and growth he's sorting through himself - he seemed a bit more honest and humbled, not so much the cocky/arrogant person he was in the early stages of our separation.
So I wake up thinking 2 possible scenarios: 1. do we proceed file jointly and keep the positive interactions we've had more recently. I keep working on myself and move on and just let things proceed down this path. When I did finally accept this and he saw it in me - his behavior towards me changed dramatically, he felt more at ease and like his 'old self'. I am going along w what he wants, agreeing to the D (and probably DB advice?). It was a Different approach - agreeing, I guess - and he responded most positively to this 'different' approach (my not pursuing or pushing reconcil in any way).
or 2. still hold on to fact that I never wanted divorce but know I can't stop him, and let him file. This would drag things out and potentially turn contentious. In some ways it's acting in accord with what I want (which is not D), but it's also resisting and might unravel the friendship we seem to be building back in some capacity.
I've accepted where I am today and the reality of the situation. And I'm committed to keep healing and moving forward. Sometimes I feel confused with a) do what's most DB'ish, even if it feels counterintuive, and b) do what's best for me. 2 above seems like it might be best for me b/c I never wanted this D, but 1. seems more DBish and actually could be what's best b/c it feels good to maintain a friendship and I'm letting him know i'm letting him go..I am going along w things. Does this make sense? Trying to do what's best for me does not feel like it's best for me...but it's probably the best thing to do?
So all in all, things went well. We got it out of the way. He wants to spend some time together as friends before I leave. We were kind and joking and accepting of each other and the situation and both felt the most natural around each other than we have all year (this he told me as we parted ways) That to me is a success. It is not seeming to save my M in any way unfortunately, but it feels better than where we've been before.
After I did not go home and cry. I went and got a mani/pedi to treat myself and stopped by church. I came home and talked to some friends on the phone, and retired early. It still feels weird, but this is where I am. Peace to all. -hhh
