Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

[saffie]

benotafraid,

From your post it sounded to me that your H doesn't get angry, as opposed to uncomfortable about talking about the A. That sounds like guilt because of what he did, and the hurt he knows he has caused you. Some S's think it is better to 'hide' the details of the A and in that way they are saving you pain. However, if you feel it will help you heal, even though it hurts to hear the details, then he needs to talk to you about it.

My H read part of a book - Healing from Infidelity or maybe it was After the Affair, and it had a chapter designed to help the person who had had the A realise what the LBS needed to know, and why. It explained that for some people, even though hearing the details hurt, it helped with the healing. Once my H realised that he really opened up and told me about everything. It was then that I learned that the intimate part of the A was driven by the OW and that it had been a bit of a disaster. Whether that was due to my H's feelings of guilt because he was cheating, or because they just weren't a great match, I don't know. From her he was just looking for a friend, as he felt that I had sort of lost interest in him, and there was this OW hanging on his ever word.

Is there any way you can go to the dental convention with him? Or at least go for the last couple of days? Make a little break of it? It might make you feel a bit easier about things and it will also show OW that you and H are truly reconciled.

I do understand what you are feeling as my H was working away a lot when the A was going on - that was what gave him the opportunity. Even though OW got moved on from our company, I still didn't feel secure when my H went away on business. A couple of times I went with him, but it was difficult to do with the children, so in the end my H made some of his other staff go instead of himself, and if he had to go he would fly out and come back the same day.

You have come a long way in the last few months and done very well. Don't get discouraged. Keep posting and getting support.

Have you thought about asking your H to attend a Retrouvaille weekend with you to help cement things. It teaches you how to interact in a non threatening way. It might help you calm down and stop running around.

Eventually, for things to work, you both have to feel comfortable and there needs to be an equal balance between you. To begin with I was like you and worried that my H might go back to seeing OW, then things changed slightly and it seemed my H was worried I would get fed up with him, and then gradually things evened out. It all takes time and work though.