I just reread your two posts to hfh32 from Friday evening sharing your own sitch. And while you've posted - and I've read - many similar posts of yours in the past, I have to say that you are one brave, self-revealing, sharing, giving person.
Especially since you no longer need to be on these boards and come here, like a few others, simply to help, to give of yourself. to make a difference.
Thank you and God bless you for that.
A quick observation from one Gardener who greatly admires you.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
She did say some realistic things which may mean the fog is lifting a little, SHe stated that she doesn't know what she is thinking thinkiong she actually loves OM when she has never spent time with him or what she is thinking getting involved with someone three states away. I didn't say anything to her. I am nothing like OM. I would never break up a marriage and I would never call soemone the way he did.
I honestly believe this is more of a testing of the boundaries. I doubt that the fog has lifted very far or for very long. Brace yourself for more testing.
I would suggest that you do not allow her to discuss her OM to you in terms that she does. It is a sign of disrespect. The only thing you are interested in hearing about the OM is that she has kicked him out of her life. The next time she even starts to say something about OM, hold your hand up and say, "It is very disrespectful to discuss your lover to her H. Until you can tell me that he is no longer a part of your life, please refrain from bring his name up in my presence". Then turn around and walk away.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just wanted to stop in and let everyone know that things have turned around...About a week ago she called me on my way home from work and said that she wanted to work on saving our marraige, I asked about OM and she had already let him go...I have passswords, voicemail passwords everything and she has been true to what she said...SHe is really trying too. SHe realizes that even though I did things wrong as well that the EA did some damage and we are both really trying. WE are going to Retrouvaille here very soon. In the end what worked was changing me. I did not bust out the affair...I just concentrated on me and let him screw up. Thanks so muh everyone. I am always indebted...I will continue to be a part of this board not only for myself but as support for all of you as well. I am not so foolish to think we are out of the woods yet but now I believe we can get there.
1. Get some MCing, with a good counselor that has specific expertise in dealing with healing from infidelity. Also IC for one or both of you, if you can afford it. The recidivism rate for infidelity is very high when specific things aren't put in place and dealt with following an affair.
2. Maintain at least one channel of intel (the "verify" part of "trust, but verify") of which your wife is unaware. Just like a job applicant can always give you 3 references that will make them sound great, and you're wise to independently find others who have worked with them in the past, so too should a betrayed spouse make one or two discreet channels of intel part of their transparency plan.
I wish you good success! I think the Retrouvaille is a great idea.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
