Thank you - you must have read through all my posts to get all that, and I think you've summed it up pretty well. And I pretty much agree.
First, I have some indication that the OM thing is pretty much at it's end, FWIW.
This past week, we've been much more separate. C reinforced this too. So, doing a better job with the boundaries. Both of us.
Yes, we do have a lot invested in each other. It's a strange situation.
It's funny, what you've said is pretty much what my W has said - that's she's willing to go through D to find out if we're supposed to be together. A lot of this is her needing to work out her issues I think - I hesitate to analyze, but I think she's got some self-esteem issues around needing to feel independent. Well, actually, she's said that, that she wants to evaluate the relationship after she's on "equal footing" - she keeps using that phrase. We've had different backgrounds, in her family her parents went through a number of divorces, and her mom pulled it through as a single parent - somehow, I think she sees the need to emulate that - strong and not dependent. I came from a traditional family, where my dad supported us and my mom stayed home. My point is, I've come to realize that we've got completely different viewpoints on our roles. The "equal footing" thing threw me a bit, because I kind of saw us as a team, yeah, I was bringing in the income, but she still saw it as her role to contribute to the family finances. I don't know where I'm going with this, maybe just to say that through the marriage I don't think I completely understood this, and it's got to the point where she feels a need to be free. I think there's a component here that has nothing to do with me at all, rather her concept of herself.
At the same time - she SAYS that she loves being married, that she never wanted to put the kids through this, that there were good times, that she loves me. She's articulated a fear that she's going to be unhappy single as she was married.
I asked her recently, when has she felt happy, and she said when she's been on vacation with me. Also, through our marriage, she's always been obsessed with retirement, when we could spend all our time together. But the day-to-day living, I think that she's generally been unhappy - and I think that was true before our marriage too.
I do believe that the only thing to do now is move forward. We're separated, we need to formalize the schedule with the kids, and the support, and the assets, just as a matter of necessity now. And I do suspect that finalizing the divorce will quickly follow. And honestly, I think there's nothing for it. I tend to agree - I need to walk away.
Thinking back on our history, us being together, there was an element of me "saving" her - yeah, she was unhappy, and I made her happy in the beginning. But in terms of her personal growth, I think I may have become a crutch, that really didn't work in the long run. She's been stressed out, overwhelmed for so long, and after awhile, you realize - you can't fix it. There was so long, I didn't know WHAT to do for her to make things better. And I tend to wonder, if she thinks I withdrew from her over time, if that's part of the reason why.
Anyway, things are really never that simple. But in terms of "the security of the relationship" - I imagine one of the reasons she was with me in the first place.
And that makes me wonder - and this is just idle thinking - did I somehow chose to marry a woman that just really needed me? Was that security for me too? Hmm.
There was a lot of good to our marriage, but I've tended to wonder about the fundamental basis of it. She's tended to want me to be everything for her, she hasn't had a lot of consistent or close friends. And I think that now she wants to be a stronger woman.
So - I think that there is a possibility that the relationship can be reconstructed. Really, a different relationship. But not tomorrow. I kind of have started to see us as maybe one of those couples that have a relationship throughout life, maybe coming back together later. There are couples that re-marry. But honestly, I won't hang my hopes on that, or carry that expectation. And I'm not really sure that's what I want either.
I think at this point, I'm more resistant to losing the married life than the marriage. Because, to be honest, I too am tired of a relationship that seems to suck the energy out of both of us. Kinds of takes me back to our C's paraphrasing: "I feel a connection and a bond to you but an unsure if I can live with you."
Lots of people in my life - family and friends - have observed that this marriage seems to have sucked the life out of me.
But despite all that - there's still a core bond that I think we both keep coming back to. Hopefully, that has more substance than co-dependence.
I'm really rambling now. Anyway, thank you Bill for your insights. Yeah, might just be that any future here will only be realized by putting "trying" out of the equation and see what happens.
