Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Yes Sandi you are correct, it bothers me.

but I think she resents you so much (at times) that she doesn't want you to do anything like that

Sandi - you nailed this one I think. She has told me that she "resents" some of the things I do these days that I either never did before or didn't do enough of...she resents the fact that it took her leaving to get me to do some of these things she has wanted.

Today was just different. I really enjoyed relaxing and reading/finishing a book of fiction for a change and enjoyed time to myself in the house. Later this evening, also peaceful times as both W and I read while the girls played together/with us in the living room. In between, the function which was just OK and seemed to be a lot of tension in the air which I just ignored and stayed away from W most of the evening.

W kept on talking about how tired she is today...gee you think, you stay up till 3 in the morning and that's what happens. Also, dog not doing as well today which is adding to stress in the house. And tonight reality hitting that tomorrow is our last day with him.

Couple of observations.

I am back to making some progress on detaching, I'm thinking a lot about a life without W again and that is healthy for me. It isn't scaring me, but it is not what I want for the kids so that is the internal conflict.

There might be a correlation between lack of sleep and W's bad moods. Kind of hit me today that two might be going together which is a stark contrast too when she was in the throws of EA and regularly only getting a few hours of sleep a night and I was amazed that she could still function.

Next two days are going to suck. Tomorrow last day with dog, next morning W and I will together have him put down. D8 crying tonight over it and I'm pretty sure W is crying in our room over it now...