DH & I have been married for nine years. About 4 years ago his field of work all but dried up so we decided that I would work full time while he went to college. We have been on a steady decline since then.
We have 3 boys, ages 8, 5 & 2. I work 12 hour shifts in a hospital, and for three years I worked nights every Fri, Sat & Sun so he could go to school & the kids wouldn't have to spend a lot of time with a sitter. It was extremely stressful, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the family. I thought we both were willing to make that sacrifice, but over time he started to act very resentful towards me. I tried to understand that he probably felt less than a man being a SAHD while his wife was working, so I made a pointed effort to be appreciative of what he was doing, to keep him in all of the decision making, to still make him "the man" of the family.
It didn't work. The more I gave, the worse it got. it got really bad during the summer of 2008--he was not working and he was still waiting to get into his program at college. He became very mean towards me & the kids, he would complain about me & belittle me to our friends and family, and he was just borderline hateful. We fought continuously until last February when we finally started marriage counseling through a Seminary at the college. We went jointly until our therapist decided that we would do better in separate sessions. Very little changed during that time.
He moved out over Labor Day weekend, and was gone for all of five days. I had found DB, devoured the book & was reading the forums, and I finally started to put some of the pieces together. He came back for dinner one night on the pretense of seeing the kids & he never left--although it did take another 3 weeks for him to move all of his stuff back in. During that time he lived out of a small box that I had started putting his stuff in after he left.
Please don't think I'm glossing over details--his behavior has been basically the same since all of this started several years ago, I'm just waiting to describe it in depth to save the post from becoming redundant.
I was very hopeful that we could work it out, but now I'm not so sure. DH has ADD, he has since he was a child, although he is only now admitting it. I also believe with all of my heart that he is depressed, but he refuses to even consider that possibility. I begged him to talk about it with his doctor--he ended up telling the doc that I thought he was depressed, but he thinks he just fine & I'm the one over reacting. So now he is taking a med for his ADD, but not treating a depression that I am positive is there.
Here's some of the nitty-gritty...
*DH is angry almost all the time. He yells at the kids, he yells at me, he has some kind of *issue* with total strangers every time he leaves the house--cashiers, waitresses, his instructors, other students...every day there is some problem that he is having with someone, another story of how someone offended him or was rude or disrespectful towards him.
*He expects the kids to act like little adults while he literally acts like he is in the third grade. He *often* mimics me when he's mad--like a child, repeating everything I say with a little sneer on his face. He is quick to yell at them when they don't do exactly what he says exactly when he says. He has said some really hurtful things to them lately, like telling them they are little brats and that he's going to beat them with a belt. Let me just say this right up front--he will not ever beat them with anything, ever. But he had our 8 year old terrified & sobbing one night last month because he thought Daddy was really going to hit him with a belt.
*He hates that I am on the internet...at all. He's accused me of looking for a boyfriend, of trying to *hookup* with some guy I went to high school with (who lives 3000 miles away), of flirting with guys at work. He once told me that a man at work who was flirting was only doing so because "...someone told him you're a whore." Period. I've NEVER had either a PA or an EA in our time together. I've told him I wish he would find someone else, though--as long as it took his negative focus off of me. Not nice, I know, but I'm beyond being nice.
*DH is the kind of person who will complain about something, but not ever make the move to change. I’m exactly the opposite--venting is okay, but if you really have a problem with something, then figure out a way to get around it, over it, through it. Do something! But if I suggest working through some problem he’s having then I’m trying to control him.
*He is becoming increasingly selfish & cruel. When one of the kids (or I) become sick, his first response is usually “Great…now *I’M* going to get sick.” There is very little compassion there for any of us. If I try to talk to him about how it’s making us feel he’ll manage to turn it around & make the conversation about him & his feelings. He has this thing about “respect” lately, too. He read a book called, “Love & Respect” as it pertains to marriage & what each partner needs. All he got out of it was that he needs respect & I’m not giving it to him. If I point out that he is supposed to be loving he’ll tell me that I have to “make” him want to love me, but I’ve done nothing to make him want to love me because I’m not “respecting” him.
I am in no way perfect, although he’s accused me of thinking that, as well. I know that I can be difficult, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I cringe every time he opens his mouth because I have no idea what is going to come out of it. I asked him how his project was going for class and I ended up with a rather lengthy diatribe on how the instructor didn’t know what the f*&% she was doing. I just don’t know what to do or say around him anymore. So I just don’t do or say anything anymore.
When he left one of the things I kept telling him was that I couldn’t make him happy--that was something he had to do for himself. DB really helped me in the sense that it showed me that I didn’t need him to be happy in order for me to be happy. I want him to be, but I don’t need him to be--my well being is up to me whether he’s on board or not. Since that time I’ve been steadily making some changes in my life; I’ve just gotten a personal trainer to help me lose this weight--I am using money from our income tax return & I am excited to be making this investment in me, I’ve taken on a guest columnist spot in our local newspaper & I have decided to start freelance writing while I work on some bigger writing projects. (I know you wouldn’t know it from this disjointed, long-winded narration I’m working on here, but I really am a pretty decent writer. I’m just trying to get all of this down & out before I lose my nerve.)
I am spending time with friends--all girls--instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself. I usually go out just before or just after the kids go to bed so it’s not a strain on him. I’ve been out three times in three months, so it’s not like I’m over doing it--he’s spent three times that amount of time with friends of his, at my urging in fact--I think he needs to get out of the house even more.
So there it is…I’m trying so hard to hold it together even though it seems as though he’s doing his best to tear it apart. I’m not sure how much longer I can hang on. The past couple of weeks have gotten wildly out of control--we’ve both done things that are wrong, but it seems like I’m the only who cares. I made him look at me tonight, I made him look me in the eye while I cried because he had once again hurt my feelings more than I thought possible. That pain is changing, though, instead of hurting my feelings he’s just beginning to piss me off. I’m afraid I’m very close to the point that he’s no longer able to hurt me because I no longer care.
One of the biggest reason I don't end it right this second is that if he leaves & gets to take our children with him, I can't control what happens with them. I can't protect them from his bad moods or his selfishness. I can't be the buffer between them & him. That is so incredibly sad to me.
I just need some help seeing through all of the fog. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Thanks if you made it through this far. I’ll answer your questions and do my best to give you info to help me. I’ve not ever felt so lost.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
