My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

[givingitmyall]

I'm guessing that this is the co-dependency that keeps coming up.

Yep.

So what that says to me is...if I can tackle the codependency first, then maybe I can start working on me for me without regards to my ex.

They are one in the same. At the root of co-dependency is the illusion you (and I mean that in the generic sense) have that you derive your happiness from your ex. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. That is the fundamental concept to work on. Once you understand that, and live it, there is no more co-dependence.

You can then be happy WITH someone, not BECAUSE of someone.

[nsw1222]

You can then be happy WITH someone, not BECAUSE of someone.

Makes me think back to when the bomb was first dropped. One thing my ex said was "I'm just not happy"...which many said communicated that she had expected me to make her happy. I wonder if she's got co-dependency issues too....and if so will it carry over to her R with OM?

Not that it matters with respect to working on me...but c'mon I'm trying to find a silver lining here.

[Dudess]

if I can tackle the codependency first, then maybe I can start working on me for me without regards to my ex.

Improving yourself regardless of what happens with her, is tackling the codependency.

[mza8]

nsw1222, sure it's possible your W has codependency issues too. My W is a codependent person. Her problem though, something only she can choose to work on or not. Nothing we can do about them right now. What we can do is work on our issues. One good thing for you now is that you realize you are codependent. That is great that you recognize this as you can work on this issue. Recognizing things you can work on for you should be your silver lining.

As far as you W saying she wasn't happy, I wouldn't read too much into that statement. That line seems typical for many WAS. I know you think about if you do/change things about yourself will it make a difference to your W and would she come back. Well, no one has a crystal ball but if you make these changes you will become a better person for you. I know that's probably not the answer you are looking for but you will become stronger by doing your changes for you. In time your W might just notice your changes and then who knows what could happen. Don't you think it's worth a shot?

[flowmom]

You are getting great advice here. Good for you for re-reading your thread. If you keep doing that you will see that some of your challenges are coming through loud and clear.

So what that says to me is...if I can tackle the codependency first, then maybe I can start working on me for me without regards to my ex.

Yes. I hope that you can make this a priority in IC. Make sure that you are not wasting time in IC just talking about the past, your feelings, etc. It's good to let it out in a safe place, but you have work to do right now and you should ask your IC to help you stay on task with pursuing goals.

As far as visitation with your D3 goes, and how that affects contact with your W, I don't want to argue with previous posters but I can understand why you have it set up that way. As a mother of a D3 & S6, I feel that our our current situation of the children seeing H on daily or twice daily basis really helps them a lot.

I agree that frequent contact isn't best for DBing though. It requires me to really have my sh!t together ... I am very controlled when H is around. And I never email or phone him to chit-chat. Only brief email messages about parenting, not because I miss him but because it avoids having to talk about it face to face.

Hang in there.

[Gardener]

[quote=sandi2] DON'T YOU DARE!!!

I didnt/wont. Instead of a text, I was going to send an email...even had some funny dentist jokes in it that I thought would make her feel better.

But I wont send that either.

But I do realize that I am too dependent on her...mainly because when she left she took everything but D3 that pretty much held me together.While there is a measure of co-dependency here, what is a good R, a good mate if not:..my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my family?...and without those I have become a mess.

I've read that its unhealthy to let someone have that much power over ones life and its certainly true here.

I can call family and talk...though really only my parents and given how far away they live it really worries/stresses them out when I call and am upset and theres nothing they can do...so I feel guilty calling them all the time. Guilt is appropriate bad feelings over having done something wrong. Shame - toxic shame - is inappropriate bad feelings about yourself when you've done nothing wrong. Big difference. Read/look into it.

I think the next book I'll read is the one on self-confidence/self esteem. Maybe if I can get that up a little I will be able to make some friends around here. There goes that "poor me" again. You have made friends here. Your friends get frustrated when you don't follow their advice but they wouldn't be giving advice if they weren't friends and didn't care.
I think I said before though...I have so much trouble trusting people because I'm always afraid they'll hurt me.. You've got it backwards as a result. Trust them. Trust them until they hurt you. Then drop them if/when they do. And move on. Want to save some money on self-esteem books? Practice expecting the very best from people while you give them your very best.. They'll sense it. You'll find it..and what happened with my ex, after 7.5 years, doesnt help dispel that. It takes me a really long time to make a friend but when I do it's because I consider them to be golden. Work on being considered golden instead of expecting golden. Friendship and trusting is giving. With no thought of getting. I forget: Are you in IC. If not, do so.
Here's an old story that kind of illustrates some of the above.: A women recommends her pharmacist to her crabby, negative friend. She goes to him. After a few months she complains to the friend that made the recommendation that she doesn't like the pharmacist, he's rude, unprofessional, always forgets her name and makes her wait all the time. She asks her friend to complain to him for her. After a while the woman comes back and says,"What did you say to him? Ever since then he's been an absolute joy! You must've really given him a piece of your mind." "On the contrary," says the friend. "I told him that you were so pleased with him. That you thought he was the most professional, courteous, and caring pharmacist you've ever met. He was so flattered!"
Look for the negative and you'll find it. You'll cause it. Look for, affirm the positive and you'll find it, you'll cause it, you'll manifest it."

Long-winded, as always.

[nsw1222]

In time your W might just notice your changes and then who knows what could happen. Don't you think it's worth a shot?

oh its definately worth a shot.

I hope that you can make this a priority in IC. Make sure that you are not wasting time in IC just talking about the past, your feelings, etc. It's good to let it out in a safe place, but you have work to do right now and you should ask your IC to help you stay on task with pursuing goals.

yeah...due to scheduloing its gonna be a few weeks before I can get back to my IC but I definately think this is the new issue that needs to be focused on.

While there is a measure of co-dependency here, what is a good R, a good mate if not:..my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my family?

Gardner...what were you getting at when you said this? I have no doubt that I had a good thing in my ex which is why I love and miss her so much. I'm a little confused by your statement.

There goes that "poor me" again. You have made friends here. Your friends get frustrated when you don't follow their advice but they wouldn't be giving advice if they weren't friends and didn't care.

Oh no...please dont misunderstand. When I said "here"...I mean in my local community where I live. I do know that I have friends here on this board and I appreciate all their advice and support and hope that I can pay it forward in time.


A little journaling:

I went outside and shoveled snow for almost 3 hours straight this morning. I'm tired and may even have frostbite on my toes. I dug out my car and even dug out the driveway so my ex or her family will have some place to park when they bring D3 back. I feel like such a moron for doing that...as they probably wont even care.

The sad part is that the whole time I was doing it my mind wasnt being occupied. Like a broken record in my mind it kept repeating over and over again how I'm over here by myself having to do all this because of my ex and her lover. How if he hadnt stepped in, or she hadnt given up on us, we'd be inside right now stayig warm having cuddled up together. And that of course led to the anger towards my ex and her lover.

I dunno maybe that anger gave me the adrenaline I needed to shovel a rediculous amount of snow. But I didnt like it.

I dont want negative thoughts in my mind...I dont want sadness or anger. I want to be a happy person. I want to be able to let go of this pain...because it's not doing me any good.

Carrying this pain will not bring my ex back to me...it will drive her further away. Carrying this pain will not make me a better father.

-----
As I was typing this my ex called. It's scary how my mood changed. I went from sad/angry to melty man happy.

She said "thank you" for the card...and she said "thank you for being cool about her staying here last night".

I'm about ready to cry...because I got the recognition I've been longing for for days. This is proof of my low self esteem...I read about the praise craving in my book.

I told her I was sorry I didnt do more but that I didnt really know what I could do and she said that she really appreciated the card and that it was plenty. That made me feel good too.

I asked how she was doing and she said she was doing better...that she had mainly been sleeping a lot because of the side effects of the medication. I told her that was one reason I hadnt called or texted her in the last few days becuase I know she needed her rest and I didnt want to bother her or upset her.

She said she would bring D3 over and drop her off and I told her i had cleared the driveway for her. She said they had only been able to get one car unstuck and her dad needed it, so she was going to be quick when she dropped D3 off. While on the inside it brought me down, as I was hoping she would come in for a while, I just let that go with a "oh ok that's fine".

I asked her if she still wanted to get the taxes done tomorrow and she said she'd let me know. I told her I could pick her up and drop her back off at her dads if need be in case her car was still stuck and she was feeling the side effects of the meds. She said she'd let me know.

I talked to D3 for a minute and then my ex said she'd be over later and we ended the conversation.

While it gave me joy to hear from her and hear the things I'd been longing to hear. I know I made some mistakes. Pursuit is probably the biggest one...with my talking about the driveway and offering to drive her tomorrow. I was also doing the Mr. Nice Guy routine when only an hour earlier I was so angry at her.

What else did I do wrong, and how should Ihandle thingswhen she comes over and tomorrow?

[nsw1222]

I dont know where to begin.

I went to Barnes and Noble to get the codependent book and eat lunch at McD's and my ex send me a message asking if I was home yet. Then she called and wanted to know if I was home yet so she could drop off D3. I told her it would take me about 45 mins because of snow detours and traffic and suggested I could swing by her dads house and pick D3 up if I wasnt back in time. She said "whatever" and hung up on me.

So that caused me to try calling, sending a message asking whats wrong, then sending a message acknowleding her frustration but asking what the difference was between her dropping D3 off and me picking her up on the way home.

She still didnt respond. So I finshed my lunch and headed home. As I was getting close I messaged and asked her if I should go to her dads house or go home. She called and asked where I was and I was passing by a gas station that was right by her dads house and that she was at (w/o D3). She told me just to go on home and she would drop her off over there in a bit.

I thought that was strange given that I could just pick her up real quick while I was there and even said that to her...and said that it seemd like there was something going on that she wasnt telling me again. She denied it and ended up coming over with D3 shortly thereafter.

After all that shovelling she didnt even pull in the driveway. She brought D3 in and I said something about how she could have parked int he driveway. She was angry and said how she had to go. She said she was annoyed at me for not being home when she needed me to be but that she was really pissed at her family for them shovelling their cars out of the snow but not hers when she was sick.

Me, being stupid, offered to go help her shovel her car out. She declined but continued to go on about how mad she was at having to go shovel it out so I offered again...practically throwing myself at her and saying how much I would enjoy doing it for her. She said thanks for the offer but she didnt want me doing it and she could do it herself. She could tell I was upset and asked why and I said I was just hoping to get to talk to her a little bit, and she said "do we have to talk everyday?" I said no but it had been three days. She reiterated that she had to go and left.

5 minutes later she called me (question is why?) and could tell that in between the time she left and the time she called I had gotten really upset and again she wanted to know why. I told her that I just wanted to talk about nothing specific. She said we could talk tomorrow when we get our taxes done.

She said she was tired, crabby, and fed up with everything. She said she was even mad at me but she knows I didnt really do anything. She said she was just going to go home, shovel her car out and probably go to bed. Then she said she was hoping to watch the Superbowl tonight but it's going to take her 5 hours to shovel out her car so she "probably wont go anywhere". That was likely said for my benefit, as I know she wont not go out on superbowl night even if she is in pain. (and odds are she's going to be with OM).

She went on to say how pissed she was at all of her family because when she got up this morning there was garbage and dirty dishes everywhere and she had to clean it all up.

I did it again....and said that if I were there I would have done all that for her...and she said "dont start this again I dont want to get in to this right now". I then said what I meant is that I would have been happy to do those things for her while she was sick and she said "I know but if you did that than I'd have all the other stuff to deal with."

She said she had to go and we got off the phone. I ended up sending her a text message telling her I was sorry things were so frustrating over there and they were so inconsiderate. I said that it made me sad when she was so upset and I wish there was sometihng I could do to help. I told her all she had to do was ask. I then said that she should be careful shoveling all that snow because the strain could dislodge the blood clots in her mouth which worried me.

She hasnt responded to that and likely wont.

I dont know why I (choose to?) have no self control when she's around. I did fine for three days and then she pops back up and I ended up pursuing, mindreading, and probably some other stuff I shouldnt have.

I'd like to know why the OM didnt come shovel her car out? I'm not allowed to do it and he doesnt offer? Even back when my ex and I were dating and she lived at her dads house or was working I would come clean her car off at times as a surprise to her...no matter what the weather. That makes me think he really is using her.

Of course thinking back on all I've said here...I missed a golden opportunity to allow her to feel the consequences of her actions by not cushioning her. They're so inconsiderate of her over there...that's how they always were...she is like their slave...and over here I did everything for her.

I know a happy medium in between those is what she wanted with me before...and is what I would be willing to give if she ever comes back...but still it would be nice if she would be able to see that at least some things arent as great over there in comparison to here.

Of course if I cant ever detatch and stop making myself a doormat, I'm blocking that from ever happening.

[Gardener]

nsw,

While there is a measure of co-dependency here, what is a good R, a good mate if not:..my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my family?

Gardner...what were you getting at when you said this? I have no doubt that I had a good thing in my ex which is why I love and miss her so much. I'm a little confused by your statement.

My point here is this:. While it is debatable whether there is such a thing as (non-extreme) codependency - since up until a few years ago the term was used only to describe the perpetual negative "dance" between a substance abuser and their enabler - I believe the term is bandied about too much: "Oh, you're just codependent." I wasn't. I was dependent. I was once healthily interdependent with my W for so many things just as she once was with me.

It just seems now that - especially post-bomb - when someone painfully and justifiably laments the loss of their S: their companion, partner, friend, lover, spouse, playmate, confidante and so much more to the point that, in the beginning, they understandably feel like they just can't go on without him/her, why, they must be codependent!

I'm just sayin' it ain't necessarily so.
Most times, it's just plain ol' normal.

There goes that "poor me" again. You have made friends here. Your friends get frustrated when you don't follow their advice but they wouldn't be giving advice if they weren't friends and didn't care.

Oh no...please dont misunderstand. When I said "here"...I mean in my local community where I live. I do know that I have friends here on this board and I appreciate all their advice and support and hope that I can pay it forward in time.OK, Gotcha. I DID misunderstand.
More later.


A little journaling:

I went outside and shoveled snow for almost 3 hours straight this morning. I'm tired and may even have frostbite on my toes. I dug out my car and even dug out the driveway so my ex or her family will have some place to park when they bring D3 back. I feel like such a moron for doing that...as they probably wont even care.

The sad part is that the whole time I was doing it my mind wasnt being occupied. Like a broken record in my mind it kept repeating over and over again how I'm over here by myself having to do all this because of my ex and her lover. How if he hadnt stepped in, or she hadnt given up on us, we'd be inside right now stayig warm having cuddled up together. And that of course led to the anger towards my ex and her lover.

I dunno maybe that anger gave me the adrenaline I needed to shovel a rediculous amount of snow. But I didnt like it.

I dont want negative thoughts in my mind...I dont want sadness or anger. I want to be a happy person. I want to be able to let go of this pain...because it's not doing me any good.

Carrying this pain will not bring my ex back to me...it will drive her further away. Carrying this pain will not make me a better father.

-----
As I was typing this my ex called. It's scary how my mood changed. I went from sad/angry to melty man happy.

She said "thank you" for the card...and she said "thank you for being cool about her staying here last night".

I'm about ready to cry...because I got the recognition I've been longing for for days. This is proof of my low self esteem...I read about the praise craving in my book.

I told her I was sorry I didnt do more but that I didnt really know what I could do and she said that she really appreciated the card and that it was plenty. That made me feel good too.

I asked how she was doing and she said she was doing better...that she had mainly been sleeping a lot because of the side effects of the medication. I told her that was one reason I hadnt called or texted her in the last few days becuase I know she needed her rest and I didnt want to bother her or upset her.

She said she would bring D3 over and drop her off and I told her i had cleared the driveway for her. She said they had only been able to get one car unstuck and her dad needed it, so she was going to be quick when she dropped D3 off. While on the inside it brought me down, as I was hoping she would come in for a while, I just let that go with a "oh ok that's fine".

I asked her if she still wanted to get the taxes done tomorrow and she said she'd let me know. I told her I could pick her up and drop her back off at her dads if need be in case her car was still stuck and she was feeling the side effects of the meds. She said she'd let me know.

I talked to D3 for a minute and then my ex said she'd be over later and we ended the conversation.

While it gave me joy to hear from her and hear the things I'd been longing to hear. I know I made some mistakes. Pursuit is probably the biggest one...with my talking about the driveway and offering to drive her tomorrow. I was also doing the Mr. Nice Guy routine when only an hour earlier I was so angry at her.

What else did I do wrong, and how should Ihandle thingswhen she comes over and tomorrow? [/quote]

[nsw1222]

Like a concerend idiot, I sent my ex a message asking her of she got her car dug out and she said "yes thanks".

I then asked if she found somewhere to watch the superbowl and if not she could watch it with me and D3. She never responded, so I said that I guess I know where she went (OM's) and I'm glad I didnt waste time helping her dig out her car like a fool. I said "your first day of feeling better and thats where you go."

Then I turned my cell phone off.