I am about to send my wife this email with a list of 'hopes'. I'm doing this because I noticed in many threads that the LBS sometimes feels at a loss for what went wrong and that they didn't get a chance to work on the issues. Also, I've told my W that I want very badly to build bridges so we can develop the love we've never ever had, but there is a timeline - our D becomes final in just under 3 months. We both need to do the 180s & more, not just me or her.
ME (my goals, I'm not going to send this to her) 1.I will not push her away, nor push her to do anything 2.No more R talks about feelings/why/because, unless they are about what is happening now 3.Accept or give non-sexual physical touch so I might develop more desire and help her remember I want to be with her 4.Avoid any D talk or actions from me 5.Not reconcile or hint at it unless I'm sure I'm ready 6.Encourage, but not force her to work on herself 7.List each day what I liked about her that day, or regretted in my actions 8.Keep my physical body healthy and able, smiling, and working out (my own self-esteem boosts IN marriage...) 9.Get myself caught up on overdue work; find a new work routine that works while M (no spousal blame for my problems) 10.Be calmer when angered – go to counselling to see if I can improve my patience and reduce reacting to her actions 11. Rediscover me, the me that I've been compromising and that would've likely caused an MLC in 10 years anyhow... 12.Be proud of my ADHD benefits, and see if she loves them or sees them as a curse 13.Avoid expecting miracles from me or her (no more “you aren’t changing” type words or behaviours)
HER (things that would show me she is trying, not a ‘all-or nothing’ list) 1.Counselling to deal with strong reactions to problems with me and your fears of failure, being judged or criticized 2.Sharing full responsibility with me for making the house & family function 3.Expecting that I will always make mistakes, so forgive if you can but always be willing to forget them 4.Accept my need to succeed at what I do, even if that means I might sometimes over-focus on it for a while; accept my curiosity (reading, testing things) & use honey to draw me away from it, not frustration or anger 5.Help me balance work and home without threating, becoming angry or emotional, or controlling (success at work = success at home) 6.Help our daughter that is in my school as much as you would for the other kids 7.Not rushing mediation and other divorce planning things 8.Understand I’m staying clear of R talks - no more ‘it’s not working out’ unless you are trying to say you don’t like me or want me 9.Trust me: read MY mind if you want, but ask me if you are right about my thoughts rather than believe your mind over mine 10.Ask me for help, not tell me to help because other husbands would 11.Come spend time with me, not ‘threaten’ to spend time with me (treat me like an adult, not a parent) 12.Understand that I need to have some independence and privacy, especially during this month, but time could pull us closer 13.Help me prepare to fix and sell the house (too many bad memories, not enough space) 14.Tell me what you love me doing it when I do it, so I can do more of it! 15.Commit to social time with me having fun and going out, meeting people, and doing things alone 16.Get a babysitter that you trust so we can go out 17.Listen and try to value my opinion. I don't need you to agree, just to consider my point of view.
Is this still a me or control list? The woman she is just isn't the woman I want to be with. I don't see what else I can do but ask us both to make some changes.
