...the one thing he was worried about was supporting me and the girls if he left...he has been doing just that however i cant make any sense of it??
anyone heard something like that b4? he is here the majority of the time...however he also said he doesnt find it easy to relax and that he always walks in the house on the defensive... /quote]
Yep, EXACTLY what I lived with for four months!~ I couldn't believe soon after he left he said he was worried about being able to get me and S health insurance...I thought that was crazy. They actually feel they are doing what they HAVE to do.
And if you read my first thread, I called my H "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde" b/c I never knew what I was going to get when he walked in the door. He was here a lot too. It's all similar.
Girl, you just gotta give him more time and SPACE. i couldn't do it at the time because I was so panicked, but looking back, I wish I had hunkered down and realized he'd come back around after having space. Now he is starting to come around and I suffered a great deal when I didn't have to. I wish I had heeded more advice and just not hung out around his moodiness for so long. Now that he's more rational we can actually talk about stuff, but then it was a terrible rollercoaster.
Take the advice no matter how little sense it makes. Give him the space, give yourself the space. Try to work on keeping your little corner of the world as calm and serene as possible. That is all you can control. Keep out of the way of the tornado that blows in with your H. Whoever said he's emotional and unpredictable is 100% right. Take care and try to keep your inner peace. This won't last forever and the more space you give him now, the sooner he'll come around.
i was totally panic stricken. it still will get me if he says divorce! you are right he says all of the time he is doing what he has to do!...and not to worry about him! kills me!
how long was your h gone? even tho i dont want the chaos of him living here, i would feel more secure if he did!our kids miss him when he is at "WORK"...hard on them but i will still admit he is a great dad! and husband! when he can be!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Their MLC radar knows that this bothers you. They can use it to control you. You have to get past this, when you stop fearing the D it may help your H from using it as a weapon against you. You still need to work on detaching to this message.
Lost, No, you do not want your h living w/you while he is in crisis. You would be walking on egg shells 24/7 and the emotiional bouncing off the walls would get to you. The stress would be horrible and the children would suffer from the stressors just as you would. They wouldn't understand why their father is behaving the way he is. Be thankful that he graces the presence of you and your children periodically. At least by doing this, he is able to see the children and act somewhat normal.
The words separation/divorce are words that they use to "lord" it over us. Some will go on and file and others will only bring those words out of the closet when we get too close. As to what your h will do, we do not know. So, as we all have stated, leave him alone, give him all of the space he can choke on and try to muddle through each and every day while he's out there. Detaching is the only way to survive this ordeal.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
i was totally panic stricken. it still will get me if he says divorce!
This will pass if you do the work you need to do on yourself. And you will be surprised by the day he says D and you open your mouth to reply and the words that come out are Ok (or something to that effect) and your heart is not pounding out of your chest and you remain calm, but it will happen.
Quote:
even tho i dont want the chaos of him living here, i would feel more secure if he did!
I can completely understand this feeling.
Can you define secure? In what way, financially, less afraid he is actually going to D?
This is a very difficult thing, living with a MLCer. Snodderly is right and if I could do it over, that would be the ONE thing that I would change. On the other hand, I also do not think it has been a supremely horrible situation.
What I do know is this…
His living here, slowed my healing and progress. It made me look at every action and wonder if it was positive or negative and what did it mean for a good long while.
It also has, more recently, really intensified my anger in regards to his parenting skills. And everyday his behavior reinforces what I already know. (That is actually good because I don’t do the is this or isn’t this MLC dance. I see it all of the time.)
I do believe him being here has also slowed his process. He too has said that he is doing the “right” thing or what he has to for our S. And me. He had made me promises when we got married. To be honest when I heard that, just a few months post bomb, I almost burst out laughing. I wanted to ask why THAT promise was the important one (financial), but I just left it alone. Over time, I have come to understand why that was the important one. Because it is the only way he knows how to show/act responsibly. It was what he was shown as a child.
Do your best to keep your head and know that whatever happens, you will be ok.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
thanks to all of you! i have heard he doesnt know when he will be back one min and 2 min later here i know where he stands and that since he has moved out, he wants a d...i (ME) will never change.
if he werent defensive, he could see all of the change. it has been a long 6 months. when family and friends see it i know he does, but cant admit it.
as far as h living here, i would feel secure as in not being alone with the girls at night...just safer in general i guess.
he is here so much that i must admit when he leaves to sleep elsewhere( M AND D) it ticks me off...no interruptions peace and quiet...i guess it is a bit of jealousy i just keep to myself.
i have held this fort up the whole time myself ...will continue to do so. its not the financial factor i worry about the way he does...for me it is keeping the family intact.
i have grown to understand and cope with this so much better with the help of all of you! i love you all for everything you keep repeating over again and again to me!
one thing i have always been told id that i am a quick learner! ha ha i need to learn about the emotional part of it all...
i have had panic disorder since the age of 17...with that in tow i am very proud of how far i have come in this journey!it is hard!
what has been on my mind this weekend while reading the archives...and cats most recent post to me...
he need to be in control, and that seems to be why or part of why he is around so much...i dont want to slow the process but i dont want to deny our girls their father...any insight?
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Lost, Thus far he's had every opportunity to come over and visit. That is not denying him the right to see his children. The only difference that I can tell from your postings is that he is sleeping elsewhere. Other than that, where are you denying him the right to see the children? You are not. So, put that thought out of your mind. You've left the door open for him to come and go and he feels comfortable with that. Some day, you will need to set some boundaries so that you have the privacy you need, just as he does at night, away from you.
As for seeing the changes you've made....he is aware of them, but will not acknowledge them until further down the road. He is all into himself right now. Life is about him, not you. He needs to find himself and his focus as turned inward in order to do that. It's the "me, me, me" time for him. As for your changes, be sure that they are for you and not for him and they must be permanent changes, i.e., not doing them just to get him back.
He's still bouncing off the walls emotionally and w/a lot of confusion. He has to settle down in order to focus on himself and to heal, just as you do. Life isn't great for him either and we all know what we deal w/once they hit the ramp of the Mother Ship. When I say that they are not having a picnic out there, believe me, they aren't. They are far off worse than we are mentally and emotionally. That's why it is important not to focus on what they say or what they do. Why? Because they do not know which end is up one minute to the next.
His journey is his and you were not invited on it, therefore, his journey all about him. Do not expect anything from him for he cannot give you what you want right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
i get it! the changes i have been making are for me! to make me the person i once was!
i need that back full force, i still have a bunch of work to do!
hers another question...with it being all about him, where does the financial part of taking care of the girls and i fit in?
that is the only thing he ever seems concerned with. he takes much pride in the fact that he is still doing it...
and this...why is something always so wrong? ie sicknesses...he has been off of work since end of Nov. due to an injury to his back...i can clearly see the pain and the therapy consumes alot of his time. however it doesnt seem at all like he is concerned of EVER going back to work...normal?
Last edited by lost1234; 02/08/1002:40 PM.
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
