I'm giving up, told W I'll sign at the end of FEB

[Onthemountaintop]

I keep going back to the part about the rape thing, remarriage, and I can't help but feel for you. It sounds really, really rough.

But why should you have to become cold and rough? Why not be yourself and try to enjoy that? Maybe there is a better direction for your life, married or not, that you can go toward. Would you want to get there bitter? Pray. Relax. Open your mind to new possibilities. Maybe she'll com around. Maybe not.

Good luck and patience, Mark.

[TooLateForMe]

Wow, this really has been and continues to be quite the adventure. I'm past the anger, for the most part. I guess I process anger a lot better than grief and sadness.

I've accepted the fact that this is happening. I'm almost certainly getting a D. Not my choice, but loving someone means letting them make their own choices whether I agree or not. It's not about right or wrong. Right now it's "hope for the best, prepare for the worst."

Mostly, I'm just sad, but able to move forward without it weighing me down anymore. I can laugh and eat and sleep. I still dream about my STBX every night.

We had a nice, mellow conversation today after a long NC period. I think the lack of contact has helped me process this stuff better than I would if we were talking. She asked whether I had any romantic/sexual prospects and admitted that I kind of did, but that I couldn't commit to anyone or even have sex w/ anyone in the near future. My "prospects" are internet contacts only. That's the most I can handle but I didn't spell that out to her. I was fairly promiscuous before meeting her, so let her infer what she will.

She said she was waiting for the D to finally be over before she would consider being interested in anyone. The "being interested in anyone" part didn't bother me as much as her impatience to end the M. I even told her that I accept the sitch (true) but that it still makes me sad (true).

The thing is, I still don't want to accept the sitch, but I KNOW I can't control her. I see a future without her clearly now and I see little that I can do to change that.

I won't sign the D papers until all my things are out of the apt. And I want my dog back. I will try hard not to use this as leverage, but given the past few mos I have little trust that she won't eventually get tired of my things there and use it as leverage later on (i.e. "do X or I will trash your stuff."). Plus I want my dog back. He is mine and if there's no M, he should revert back to me.

I do hold out some hope that during the long-ish D process she will notice the changes and reconsider before it's finalized. I won't hold my breath, but weirder things have happened, esp. in our R.

My question for those paying some attention to this is "now what?" I'm in C, working on career, working on my issues and finally out of the denial phase. What else could I be doing, in terms of increasing the likelihood of reconciliation? I know now that I don't need to be with her, and I'm focusing on me. I'm honest enough w/ myself that I accept the almost certainty of the D, but you never know. Until I have the career training over with I can't help much, but once I'm done w/ that I could be making a fair bit of money.

She has money issues and I plan to help as much as I can. All I can do right now is offer sympathy, but I think too much contact will only make things worse. Any thoughts?


Oh, and she is working on her issues as well. She's in C (though this is the C who initiated the initial separation). She's reaching out to old friends and working on getting back into school.

For once in my life I'm not "in control." I can't see into the future (not that I really could) and I appreciate the fact that I realize I don't control my W, that she's making her own choices. I don't want to make her want me, I just want her to want me... That's a big step for me.

Thoughts, reactions, condemnations, accolades, 2x4s?

[luvless]

For once in my life I'm not "in control." I can't see into the future (not that I really could) and I appreciate the fact that I realize I don't control my W, that she's making her own choices. I don't want to make her want me, I just want her to want me... That's a big step for me.

This is ME right now...I so feel you!

[TooLateForMe]

Okay, I really do need some help on this. STBXW asked me to come down to sign some tax papers. She'll get like 2k more if I do. I agreed, but am reconsidering.

I will see none of this money. I have no problem with that aspect. I do, however, notice a streak of NO RESPECT from her throughout the last 6 mos. The only sign of consideration on her part has been sympathy over my missing DDs and making sure they spent xmas w/ me. The only apology was one I insisted on after she freaked out on me. I, on the other hand, have apologized continuously for my behavior. I've been a total wimp through this entire fiasco and I'm tired of it.

Given the betrayal re: the 3 mo separation and her telling me she was done after the 1st week and her freakout when I told her I wouldn't just give in to her (she threatened to keep the girls from me forever) I don't trust her to be reasonable when she gets the D. She may mean well now, but once I have no leverage I'm sure she'll do whatever she wants regardless of my feelings.

She's also shown no interest in keeping me up to date on the girls and their activities, despite my asking for that. She dismisses my opinions on child-rearing issues. She also talks over me, rarely letting me speak.

I want a show of respect before I jump to do whatever she asks.

Should I tell her this? If so, how? Really, please help w/ this. I DON'T want to screw this up.

[nsw1222]

CityGirl might call this a tit for tat type scenario.

I'm thinking why not be diplomatic about it and see if she'll split it with you? Tell her to give you $1k and you'll sign the paper which will get her $1k back plus another $1k.

Then again you could just sign it and be done.

It's up to you.

[TooLateForMe]

I don't want the money. It's for DDs and new clothes. What I want is a show of respect on her part before I will run down and help her out. We were originally supposed to file together but she filed anyway without even telling me.

A little thing to complain about but this is one thing in a long series of inconsiderate behaviors. I want some say in how DDs are raised, some acknowledgment of what I've gone through these last six mos. I have apologized and kowtowed hoping to be forgiven. I've done a lot for which to apologize, but so has she.

I want respect and don't want to just give in every time she wants something. I half expect her dismissive attitude to get worse as soon as the D papers are signed.

What I need help with is communicating this to her without causing even more drama. The point isn't to be mean, but to get my stones back and finally stand up for my self-respect without whining or begging.

[nsw1222]

Mark...I can understand your wanting respect. I would like the same thing in my sitch.

Given the point you're at, and the fact that you dont care about the money, I'd say just sign it and be done.

However...this could be a good time to set a boundary with regards to her disrespect for you. I'm not good at doing that...but others here are so amybe they will chime in and help you set one that will hold.

[Gnosis]

If you want respect you earn it.

I like CG's idea... and it's not about the money. It's the principle. If you don't want the money... give back to her later.

EDIT: Oops... I meant nsw's 1st idea. Sorry about that nsw.

[mza8]

TLFM, I haven't read you entire sitch, just the last few posts. From what I see it's obvious your wife doesn't respect you. In my opinion you shoud make your own decisions and act on them...seems like your W is making her own choices without any concern or respect for you. I wouldn't be concerned about causing more drama, your W isn't worried about creating more drama based on her actions. If you want to get your stones back then why would you worry about how you communicate with her right now? Protect yourself and your DDs.

[TooLateForMe]

I think I have a good handle on how to communicate my feelings to her. That is, express the feelings, not blaming or demanding. I think part of earning respect is telling her how I feel and what I expect before I will consider doing favors or bowing to her.

She's drawn some lines in the sand and I can respect that. I'm saying it's high time I do so also. I don't expect the moon, but I do want something we can build on. I don't think it's okay for me to drive 150 miles when I don't get anything out of it but an hour or two w/ DDs. If my feelings don't matter to her, why should I do that? Her feelings matter to me and I want to help her.

Before I launch some potentially tainted missive at her, I do plan to discuss it w/ my C.