See hope, want to get there

[sandi2]

Hi CGU, sorry I missed you before you left on your trip, but I think you have received excellent advice and you are much more prepared today than you were when you first came on the board.

I thought I remembered talking to someone by this name, but maybe it was another poster another time. Anyway, I have just finished reading your thread. I was an AWAW. Three years ago next week, I left to go to my mom’s house, thinking my M was over. I did come back but I have to tell you that the trouble had only begun. It’s a long story and I won’t get into all of it, except I will tell you I had an Internet EA and it came close to being a PA. If you had known me, you would have never guessed I would ever do such a thing……but anyone, ANYONE will do such a thing if they allow themselves to become vulnerable and stupid. I was both. But I am here to tell you that my M survived and that we are very good now. Your M has great possibilities.

Your W not only had an EA before she walked out on her M, but she was addicted to how the A made her feel. She was addicted to FB……and she still is. The fact that she told you she would stop with FB, etc. doesn’t mean rip b/c she can’t (or won’t) lay it down. She will discover that it is as hard as stopping any addictive behavior she’s ever had. So, don’t believe her promises. You don’t have to say a word whenever she tells you that she’s not going to do anything again. You just “look” at her. You don’t have any expression on your face, but you just look at her. Say nothing. Let her squirm and wonder what you are thinking.

Don’t allow her to bully you. I get the strong idea that she is used to calling the shots….being in charge and not used to having her plans usurped. I think she has been very…..VERY spoiled by having whatever she wanted materialistically, and maybe other ways also. Probably was one reason she was enticed with the A, b/c it was something she shouldn’t have. Therefore, she must realize (without you wording it) that you don’t come cheap and she will have to work her a$$ off if she thinks she has a shot in he!! with you again. If you make it easy for her…..she will not feel that it is very valuable and therefore she will not cherish it. And I bet you know how people treat things that don’t cherish. So, you must play very hard to get (just like being young & single again), only you won’t be playing….you’ll be serious. The woman wants something she can’t have……and that needs to be married to “you”.

When she sees that you are not going to melt at her homecoming and that you are not going to make this easy as pie, then she will probably accuse you of not forgiving her. So what? Don’t let her words get to you. Why should she be forgiven? (I know, I know….but bear with me here.) I saw what she TM you on the phone and I don’t recall her ever saying she was sorry. She used some other words, but you know….saying “I’m sorry” is harder than saying, “I regret what I did”. I don’t think I heard anything that sounded like she felt remorse. She “needs” to feel remorse for her sake as well as yours. She can’t heal spiritually or emotionally (not to mention the MR) if she doesn’t feel remorseful. As you know, anger is not being remorseful and I think you will see her anger a lot sooner than you’ll see her sorrow. She thinks she’s going to waltz back in and be the mistress of the palace again without having to earn that privilege, so expect her to get very angry when she sees it isn’t going to happen quite so easily. But don’t fear her anger. So what if she’s angry? She can get glad in the same rags as she got mad!

So when she gets mad, or if she pouts and says you can’t forgive her, you may think about telling her that right now you are not putting as much thought into forgiving as you are wondering if she will repeat her behavior. You don’t accuse her, but if she says you can’t trust her……just look at her. That’s all. After all, why should you? She has a track record to observe.

BTW, just a word about validating. Some people have the idea that you have to “agree” with everything that is said, but you don’t. You listen, and you may nod your head (if you can agree), but if you don’t agree with what she says, you simply say, “It’s too bad you feel that way”. Sometimes the less said--the better. It worked for you when you didn’t respond right away to her, didn’t it?

So what will you do if you come home from your business trip and she’s set up all cozy like and playing like the housewife? Have you thought about how you would make her leave your house if she didn’t abide by your conditions? Will you throw her out?

She will test you over & over until she gets through the grieving part of her A. Yes, she will have to grieve for OM, even if she was angry at him. That doesn’t make a H feel very good, does it? But, it is necessary…just as the remorse is necessary. I don’t think five months is long enough. If she was that crazy about OM to leave her M of several years and go off into the sunset to meet him…..and then suddenly it never developed into a physical relationship? I don’t buy a word of what she told you about that made up story. Sounds too much like a movie scene. She probably got the idea from a TV program.

She is very likely to have a relapse b/c of the short time it’s been. But, I don’t know the reasons behind her wanting to suddenly come home. I have some ideas, but I don’t know. So, you’ll have to apply tough love all the way with her. Can you do that? You sound like a man who has the right stuff to do it.

I would suggest you do not have any make-up sex. B/c the R is not ready for that. She may even try to pursue you a bit in order to “secure” her place there in the home. Be strong and tell her that you are not ready for that. Don’t worry about her feeling hurt. Let her feel whatever she feels b/c she needs to go through it. She needs to experience loss……and I don’t see where she has had to do any of that, so far.

If you had the attitude of a WAH, how do you think she would react? I bet she would pursue you like crazy. I’m not telling you to get into an A or anything like that! But if the shoe was on the other foot, and she thought you didn’t want her……she would want you more than anything in this world.