Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Awoken and patpat. Funny how of all things I believe about myself right now, strength hadn't really crossed my mind. I still feel so weak, particularly with being able to keep myself together emotionally. Yet when stepping back a bit, I realize that I've taken on a huge amount of pain and responsibility, and I'm surviving...thriving even in some areas of my life. I have found strength that I didn't realize I even had through these trying times. I've found it from God, from my family, from my friends and from this forum. I'm so very grateful to have a support system like mine. It pains me to imagine my W's situation, where 3 of those 4 sources of strength are missing, and one is not acknowledged.

Lovingly detached is my goal...but I still feel very far from there right now.

Journaling:

Today, I spent 5 hours with W attending a state-mandated seminar on the effects of D on children. Based on W's history of avoidance and chronic tardiness, I talked her into letting me pick her up at 8am from her apartment and riding there with me, so she wouldn't come up with any excuse to avoid showing up. Certificates from this class for both of us are mandatory before Decree can be filed. I'm glad I did this, as W's vehicle is shared with roommate, who had to work during the seminar today. It would have definitely been the "excuse" she needed to miss the session. This could have drawn out the process even longer (costing me even more $$ I can't afford).

To say that it was a emotional ride was an understatement. First of all, it made me more thankful than ever that I can still have a civil relationship with W, despite our problems. There were many couples there who had to sit on opposite sides of the large lecture hall (there were approx. 100 people in attendance). At one point they asked for hands to be raised identifying current R status as the couples went through the D process. We were in a minority (<25%) who would characterize theirs as civil/friendly". The remaining 75% fell into the moderate to hostile range. There were some really p1ssed off people in there, and some were quite verbal about it. I'm so thankful that despite the fact that we haven't used a mediator, our proceedings haven't turned us into enemies, particularly in regards to S7.

For the duration of the well-presented seminar, W and I sat next to each other, much of the time holding hands or touching legs/feet. We still have so much love between the two of us, yet so much preventing us from making this M work. Although W has rarely been mentally stable enough to step up and be anything more than a occasional "visit" for S7 since she left, she does still love/care for him as much as she's capable of. The curriculum of the course was quite good and struck a common chord between W and I, as we both want the best for S7. Lots of non-verbal communication (squeezes/head-nods/winks) between us as they spoke of D's effects on children, proper methods to handle crisis, ways to talk to kids about feelings, ways to reduce their anxiety and fears, etc. Can't say I made it through all 5 hours without my eyes welling up at least a couple of times, but I think I hid it well.

During the 2 breaks, we retreated outside in the cold to my car, where she would smoke (I've made it 4+ weeks now without a cig!) and we discussed some of things talked about in the session. I know that she is deeply thankful that I am such a good father, and she thinks that I'm doing a great job raising S7 under these difficult circumstances. She acknowledges the pain that she has caused me and S7 and is deeply remorseful. She insists that she will get herself more together soon and step up to be more of a supporting co-parent than she's been since we separated. I have no doubt of her intentions, but I'll wait to see actions instead of words when it comes to her participation.

On our drive back to her apartment after the seminar, I told her that I was trying really hard to leave the past behind and live in the present. There's no way that either of us can go back and change our decisions or actions. We can only learn from our mistakes and move forward with our lives. She said that she does still love me very much. She said that if she didn't, I wouldn't affect her the way I do. I asked her "In what way have I affected you? I didn't realize that I had.". She said that the reason she had avoided signing the papers for so long was that it terrified her to face the finality of ending our M and giving up our family as she knew it. I admitted that I really missed the family we once had and that I still want her to be a part of S7's and my life. I just don't know what role that she'll play in our future. She is talking again about going back to school, which I encourage. I believe that the self-esteem and independence that would come from following through with a life-plan such as college and a eventual career could go a long way towards "healing" her. I also think that if she can just get past the talking stage to the doing stage, it will help a lot as well.

Trying my best to box up and protect this love for her. There may come a day when I can pull it out and use it again. If not, it can't be bad to always hold onto some love for the mother of your precious child.