Lost, You are right where everyone has been that has been here any length of time. You've been given great answers to your questions. You are frustrated about him, the behavior and other people.
As for the blizzard, some of us are in the same one that you are right now. So, buckle down, do what you need to do around your house and wait the storm out. In fact, this is a good time to dig out the MLC archives and start reading. As for your h walking out into the blizzard, that's his choice and he's a grown man. God takes care of those who are drunks, fools and children. Trust me, your h is somewhere safe and sound last night. I know that you were worried about his safety, etc., but you need to try to still those feelings and look to your children and yourself, especially in this storm.
It's okay to question his stupidity in your mind, but not to him because he can't give you a rational answer. Emotions that are not handled properly can cause a person to say or do things that they may or may not remember later on. Emotions are what is driving your h to do the things he's doing, right alone with depression. They flip on a dime and can say one thing now and 2 minutes later say something else. So, you cannot take what they are saying to the bank. However, you can learn how to sift through the garbage he does spout and find the meaning of what he is trying to say. It takes practice, but you can do it.
I hope you are feeling better today. Sit tight and wait the storm out. Bake up some cookies, clean the house, read a good book, watch a movie and check out the archives. One more thing...draw a hot bath and pour some nice bubblebath into the tub and soak away your frustration. It does help.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
since you are so wise , is it normal for me to just want this to stop? last night i felt like just screaming...which i did , outside when i took the doggies out!they looked at me like i was nuts! felt good though! lol.
i think i have figured out what he is meaning...any thoughts are appreciated...here goes...
he needs space to fix himself...he has lost his true person over the years with everyday life and responsibilities
he cant deal with this...woke up to find himself overwhelmed with wife children and again more responsibilities
wants to be left alone or he says divorce...his way of telling me to stop, back off
has no time, has so much to take care of...he is off of work out of the house...running in circles accomplishing nothing
his main concern is his children...what? really? with what he does sometimes...i guess he either cant see past himself or he would see the damage...
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Lost, Well, he's told you pretty much what all of them think and say. Divorce is generally used as a threat to get the spouse to back off. Give him the space he needs, do not question, come here to question things.
It's normal to want it to stop, but it's not going to for a very long time, and that's why it is important to go on living your life as if he were not coming back. Get off his drama train and allow him to drive it solo. Live your life to the fullest and try not to second guess yourself. Turn this over to God and allow him to repair your h's wounded self.
"snodderly"
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ast night i felt like just screaming...which i did , outside when i took the doggies out!they looked at me like i was nuts! felt good though! lol.
Perfect. The dogs won't hold it against you. Beat up a pillow if you need to.
Quote:
he needs space to fix himself
Yes you need to detach/NC and let him work on himself. You can not fix him! What he does makes no sense. Stop worrying about him. Love him from a distance. If you REALLY love him. Start DB'ing. That is the best way.
Lost, we do know exactly what you are feeling. I have been at this awhile now (though not nearly as long as some here - I am at almost a year post bomb). As much growth as I have had and as detached as I have become, I still have days when I wake up and wish it would just go away. I too have done the screaming thing, at home when just the dog or I were home - she thinks I'm crazy - and late at night out on a drive, even as recently as just a few weeks ago.
I have just been leaving my H alone as much as possible - he does live at home still so it is a bit of a different situation. I don't pressure about anything, except finances a bit now, only because he is actually at a point where he is starting to listen. I have taken on the responsibilities of absolutely everything by myself. Maybe someday he will realize the issues are internal, not the externals. And absolutely no R talks or anything that could lead to them.
He may think that he has nothing to offer them if he doesn't take care of himself and he is right. That doesn't have to mean D, but in his head that's currently the only thing he may think will work.
you are all right and i am so thankful i am able to come here and vent!
Grace, he actually told me today...the one thing he was worried about was supporting me and the girls if he left...he has been doing just that however i cant make any sense of it??
anyone heard something like that b4? he is here the majority of the time...however he also said he doesnt find it easy to relax and that he always walks in the house on the defensive...
i have taken all of the advice i have been offered, and it is damn good advice...im not perfect by far, but i have really been taking the advice on mlc and the whole DB to heart...i dont get it!
snod...cant wait til the girls go to sleep tonight!! i WANT that bath!!!
2 feet of snow, and the cold...and this stuff...i think i deserve it!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
the one thing he was worried about was supporting me and the girls if he left...he has been doing just that however i cant make any sense of it??
I'm sure he does worry about it. He's making a tough choice. He may see it as the only one. As hard as it is to see esp. at this point, he really is hurting. I know you are too.
As far as his inability to relax goes, how are you doing with regards to that? You can only control (with practice) your own actions and reactions. Not his. If you're relaxed he may pick up on it and be calmer or he may not. Kind of like an animal. The bottom line is how you feel within and about youself.
we have some great times...things have been a bit more stressful lately and im sure he has picked that up.
i do need more practice, im much better at it than even last week! lol...gotta keep it up!
its the back and forth that kills my efforts! that is what i need to move past! i know i can it is just tough to do! never knowing which h is gonna show up...i gotta get over it and move on so it doesnt drive me nuts!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
AND... post surgery and infection, i just simply need a break from it all... thats where the bath will come in...along with a new Jodi Picoult novel and my blankets and pillows! lol
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
