A cheated cheater 2

[DiamondGirl]

(((HUGS)))

Hang in there Undefeated, you are doing great. You are much more aware and proactive than I was at your age and I admire you for it!

[undefeated]

Ugh, I need to settle down. I was already not feeling well and now I unintentionally added some extra stress to my day. I called my mom to relate a funny coincidence in my day (an ex-boss who now lives within an hour of me) and she told me something I did not need. She says that some sort of thick envelope from the county courthouse there in NE arrived at their PO Box for me.

It might be paperwork pertaining to my arrest in 2006 and related sentence, blah, blah, blah. I only hope they're not summoning me to appear to testify against my co-defendants again; I really can't afford the trip to NE and back.

I am trying to assure myself how ridiculous it is to wonder if the envelope contains divorce papers. He wouldn't talk about our future together if he was going to file, right? My H wouldn't send it to my parents' address, would he? When would he have had these papers drawn up? And why would they come from that courthouse? It doesn't make any sense! So then why is my stomach churning and I am fearing the worst?

I hate unknown variables. I can deal with most things that come at me head-on. It's these d*** sideswipes that kill me. Do you think if my H calls tonight I should mention the envelope? Ask if he might know what's in it? Or pretend I haven't heard about it?

This is shaping up to be one hugely bizarre day!

[newmama]

Hi again, undefeated! Wow, your list of DBimg strategies is awesome!!! Very impressive and not to sound "age-ist" but I can't believe you are only 24! I was soooo immature then!

I wanted to comment about you worrying that you are "annoying" him with your short phone calls...that is the goal, my friend! He is annoyed because he wants to chat and you are busy! It shows him that you aren't in need of dropping everything for him (especially while he is having this A!) and he will miss you.

Maybe he didn't call you last night because he's doing "tit for tat" but do not call him first...he'll call you!


question for you--why not ask your mom to open the envelope and see what's inside?

If it is D papers, don't bring it up to H. Prepare to say "I don't want the divorce. I'm committed to us." and then when he talks or protests, say "I understand that you feel that way. I need to go though. "

BTW good job working on letting go of caring if the dishwasher is loaded a different way than you do it! My WH is so anal and it caused me to not want to even bother if he complained about stuff like that!

[undefeated]

Thanks, newmama. I am an "old soul;" which isn't an expression used much anymore. It gives me a serious lack of patience and understanding with people of my own age, though.

I won't call him; on that point I am quite solid. A phone is a two-directional device, and if he wants to hear how we're doing he can dial. I hope he misses me. I guess I wonder if he is sitting there thinking, "Well that's a relief. Now I can leave and not worry about her anymore."

I am going to have mom open it. I was more worried about it upsetting her, really. I've been mentally preparing myself for being served since the day he said he wants a D. And as I say, it's highly unlikely. Just one of those days...

LOL. There are a great many of those deep reasons that traditional therapists would wish to explore about why I became an anal retentive crazy. Not least of those was the lack of control I had while I was ill. But the why isn't really a big deal to me anymore...just the how. How I go about being more relaxed. How I show him that I am still fun and happy and stable but not rigid.

How are you enjoying mommy-hood? It's tough doing it alone. I hope you have a great support system in place to help you cope until your WAH comes to his senses. And good for you in telling him to move out. There are days I wish I had the guts. Want me to kick him for you? LOL.

OH! And why could my mom have just not said that? She could just have kept it to herself until she got home and could ask me whether to open it or not. Instead she is at work so I have to agonize over the stupid envelope of mystery for hours. I gotta go clean something...

[newmama]

Well Undefeated, mommyhood is waaay more powerful than I thought! I've never loved anyone as much as I love my baby boy! Luckily, I get to stay home this year but will return to teaching in August! I don't have a great support system for helping me with S other than WH. Luckily he is crazy about S and sees him 6 days per week. I have always admired and marveled how wives in the service, like yourself, manage to do it alone while H is deployed! And you have 3 little ones! So honestly, I don't feel sorry for myself.

As for kicking WH out, well I'll always wonder if it was the right thing to do. I've been doing a type of Plan A since October(when he last brought up divorce) but will always wonder if I should have done it back in the spring instead of flipping out. It's just that I THOUGHT he ended it in January so when I discovered he still didn't end it in March, I figured I needed to end the hurt by not seeing him except for dr. appts (I was pregnant). If we didn't have a child, I would have divorced him, cut him out of my life and moved on. Seriously; that is how I've handled "break ups" in the past but I have also never been married before and never been cheated on (to my knowledge).

But, I still love him, she is a complete messed up skanky ho (no exaggeration) and we have a brand new baby. I am 99.9% certain their relationship will end, whether he divorces me or not!

So be sure to let us know what was in the envelope!!!Also I need to read your first thread! Am curious about your affair!

[undefeated]

You sound like you're adjusting to being super-mom just fine. It's when you stop wondering if you're crazy that you've completely lost it. You might want to check out WhatNow's suggestions on how a mom can meet people. The first thing I learned as a military wife and mom is that family has nothing to do with blood. Family is all about who you can call when you need help. Family consists of those who rally around you when the baby drives you nuts and your WAH is on your last nerve. They're out there, I promise.

The stupid envelope had a prospective juror questionnaire in it! Mom neglected to mention that my oldest brother also got an identical envelope. Duh. It can't be divorce papers if he got one too. So yep, worrying about nothing...again. Oh, and I'm instantly disqualified from being a juror! *Sigh* Who has a beautiful, highly successful way to divert panicky thoughts? I tried the mental stop sign - no dice.

Hang in there, newmama. We can beat these marital traumas and come out as stronger, even more amazing women.

[newmama]

Okay I handle panicky thoughts by
1) imagining the worst case scenario and how I would handle it
2) talking to whoever will listen or posting here!

and the best way I've found to not think about stuff is to do activities that require my full concentration, like reading threads and responding, or (not that you can do this right now) learning physical moves (swimming, pilates, belly dancing)
but cooking also helps!

Cleaning-not so much, going for a walk, NOPE, even (sadly) playing with S allows my mind to wander.

So did WH call you last night?

[undefeated]

Tackled our income taxes today. Not too bad. I did think about sticking a chunk of the money into a separate account, and probably should have.

H has been less distant and more friendly, but that doesn't change the facts here. I just can't trust him until he is willing to stop all contact with OW.

H did call me last night, and again had no real reason. Chatted for a few minutes and then he had paperwork to attend to.

Overall just plodding along. One weird thing though...to any veterans out there -

Does detachment come and go? I went for several days feeling totally separate from all the M issues (back when I joined a few months ago). Then I was an emotional roller coaster. Now I feel totally distanced again.

I was actually pondering what my H contributes to our M besides money while I was assembling the futon last night. And by the way, don't assemble heavy wooden furniture alone if it can be helped. Ugh! But it was just a simple, intellectual assessment of what he is actually putting in versus what he withdraws in terms of support. I wasn't sad or upset, just thoughtful.

I realize that my biggest fear is not having the ability to financially support three babies. Other than that I've already learned to live without my H in every other way. It would be sad to actually choose to not be his spouse anymore, but he already did that anyway.

Meh...kinda a weird mood. Not emotional, just strange.

[P17]

Does detachment come and go? I went for several days feeling totally separate from all the M issues (back when I joined a few months ago). Then I was an emotional roller coaster. Now I feel totally distanced again.

Detachment in the beginning comes and goes. You get good days where you don't care what is happening with the WAS and you get days where you can't stop thinking about the situation to a point it bring you down.

I see it as a bit like a wave crashing against a wall (bear with me :)) The wave keeps hitting and going back but each wave get's stronger until it get['s over that wall and becomes completely detached.

You're the wave. You're going to keep hitting a wall and go backwards and forwards until you eventually break over the wall and become detached.

It's hard. I only became detached recently after the lie from my W. The straw that broke the camel's back. I am so glad I did. A weight lifted from me like you would not believe.

Detachment, in my opinion, is the best thing you can do for you and your M. But it's tough.

[undefeated]

So, P, now that I've read your sitch, which lie exactly was it that equaled your breaking moment? Just curious because your WAW seems to have done as much as any.

Thanks for the input; I am staying detached to the very best of my abilities. As you say, I don't want to care what's going on with my idiot H or his A. And at least some days, I don't. it's a start anyway.