Start of the end..

[iwantittowork]

I usually review and post to others before posting to my own sitch, but need to drop some notes down, and you all can start swinging..

I was 15 mins late picking up d9 this AM, and the stbxw has d9 calling me asking me where I am, and if I am coming to get her.

It just set me off this am. Sorry I am interrupting your life stbxw, by being a few mins late due to snow, house stuff, etc. It just set me off on top of feeling stuck in limbo financially, and getting crushed by her and the state financially. I walked in pissed, and sure it was obvious, collected d9's stuff and told d9 to meet me in the car.

Just not a place I want to be in.

So then this afternoon in a complete utter horrible decision, I snoop on stbxw's email. Why, I don't know, I just must be in a really bad place right now, just dealing with this financial chaos and just not having had a break in months. Doesn't even matter, I did it, and it's my fault. What has been seen can't be unseen, and all that. So stbxw pursued and is now sleeping with d9's kung fu teacher.

So what the hell good does that do me? Great, after reading what she wrote in an email, and not hearing those things myself in 15 years of R with her, does that mean I was unattractive to her all along? or less of a man than the current one she is sleeping with?

Who knows. I wish robx was here, to just smack me in the head and say wtf did you do that for?

So, I am as weak at times as I had hoped not to be. However, it does go to show that this thing is just over, as I knew it was, and she probably was, or is not, the person I thought she was.

It changes nothing. I know I have had self esteem issues for a while, and that is nothing to do with her, but myself, and where I need to focus my time and energy.

All, let them 4x4's fly, and dig me out of this mess. After months of getting hammered financially, and feeling like I am stuck, I just let it get the better of me.

I actually do not feel as bad as I thought I would, just know that I have many areas to still work on, for myself. I wished I had the confidence and charisma to feel safe and secure approaching women. Why is that such a hard thing to deal with?

I can jump out of an airplane, race cars, driven a motorcycle at over 170mph, and yet I am afraid of women, approaching them, fear of them rejecting me, etc. Sheesh, that seems like a mountain of stuff to deal with..

One step at a time, I suppose...