I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[talia]

Here is the hammering out of thoughts that has me in a better mood. Keep in mind this is me venting/rambling/ exploring what I MIGHT say when I see H..... mean and vindictive... you be the judge.....


I would like to advise you of some decisions I have made. I see no reason to meet at this time, we have nothing to discuss in person as things are now. It’s clear this divorce does need to move forward. Here is where I stand.

I know you have some legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction of our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you know, have been dealing with my issues. I believe in time you could see that those changes are for real. I understand that you feel a lack of trust, and I feel I have done many things since you left to demonstrate I am trustworthy. I am willing to put in some effort to see if this marriage can be saved. I think we both will regret it someday if we don’t do everything we can to be sure it’s unsalvageable.

I cannot respect your decision to cut and run and I damn well cannot respect your decision to involve a third person in our marriage. I have decided that this situation cannot continue as it has been. I will not continue to maintain a friendly relationship with you when you are committing adultery. I do not see how you and I could negotiate through our divorce when a third person is involved. You continue to lie to me about that situation and I will not negotiate with a liar. When you are ready to speak to me honestly, we can have a conversation. I will not exist in an open marriage. I will not continue to support your adultery financially. The arrangement we have had the last several months has been in your favor. I am not opposed to an amicable Divorce process. I agree that it would be the easiest and most cost effective direction. I have decided that there are conditions that I would need met before I would go down that road. Since you have been clear in past communications that you are unwilling to do most of what I would require, I will not re-list that here. Should you want to discuss this further that is fine. If you want it your way you can have it – quick, simple and easy; but only after you and I have worked on our marriage without the involvement of a third person.

I have decided that there is no longer an open invitation for you to come home. Throughout the D process I will consider reconciliation and counseling. There will be conditions placed on that. I will share those with you if that ever becomes appropriate. Do not take this email as a change in my position of taking time between the two of us to see if this relationship can be saved. I have not changed my mind in that area. I will no longer give you the impression that you can just come home. I deserve more than that from my husband.

This will not continue. You have chosen this path and I will not stand in your way; however you will no longer take advantage of me. You may file for Divorce at any time, as you have always been able to. I am no stopping you and I will no longer ask you to wait for my benefit. I will do what I am required to protect myself legally.

Please don’t send me any return emails spewing off about how I’m trying to control you or take advantage of you. It’s unfortunate that you may be unhappy with this this. I cannot control how you feel, nor do I want to. You have choices here; I am giving you my boundaries of those choices. If you want what you tell me you want, there are boundaries to me being willing to do that. You may choose to do what you want with this situation, you are an adult. Your interactions with me will be on my terms, I will decide how I will handle situations that will affect the rest of my life.


Cutter - your posts have inspired me .... see I need you!


T

[talia]

OH - Call out to Puppy...
ALOT of the above is your stuff... curious to see what you think about this approach....





T

[chatterbug]

I think you need to remove a few of those adjectives. Or change them.

Make the words grey. Make the words non emotional.

Example

Spewing...

Why ???

You are in a position of strength. Use language that represents this position.

[Ozymandias]

How about this:

I would like to advise you of some decisions I have made. We have nothing to discuss in person as things are now. It’s clear this divorce does need to move forward. Here is where I stand.

I know you have some complaints about my role in our marriage. As you know, have been dealing with my issues. I believe in time you could see that those changes are for real. I am willing to put in some effort to see if this marriage can be saved.

However, I cannot and will not respect your decision to cut and run and I damn well cannot respect your decision to involve a third person in our marriage. This situation cannot continue as it has been. I will not continue to maintain a friendly relationship with you when you are committing adultery.

I will not exist in an open marriage. I will not continue to support your adultery financially. At this point I am not opposed to an amicable Divorce process. If you want it your way you can have it – quick, simple and easy; but only after you and I have worked on our marriage without the involvement of a third person.

Until that happens there is no longer an open invitation for you to come home. Throughout the D process I will consider reconciliation and counseling. I have not changed my position of taking time between the two of us to see if this relationship can be saved, but I will no longer give you the impression that you can just come home. I deserve more than that from my husband.

You may file for Divorce at any time, as you have always been able to. I am not stopping you and I will no longer ask you to wait for my benefit. I will do what I am required to protect myself legally.

I’m not trying to control you or take advantage of you.
You have chosen this path and I will not stand in your way; however you will no longer take advantage of me. You have choices here; I am giving you my boundaries of those choices.

[talia]

Much less emotional... you guys are awesome!!!


T

[mindfull]

Hey, Talia!

The letter is superbly written, but, just a little insight...

Most men wouldn't read that much!

You, my friend, are courageous!

[blownaway65]

Hi Talia, I finally got up to speed with your sitch.

Seems to me you are doing a great job overall, we all have the downs that go with the rollercoaster ride, ya just gotta hang on more.

Great letter. I think the less emotional version from Ozy has more punch though.

I agree with Mindfull (((Hugs Mindfull))), after the first couple of paragraphs most guys will be switching off.

[pearlharbr]

Read through both versions. I like Ozy's better but I agree with MF, could still be shorter and more succinct.

It's way past my bedtime so I'll be back tomorrow.

[talia]

HI ALL,
I agree - Ozy did a great job removing my emotions. I'm actually thinking about calling him and speaking it - I feel like email is stooping to his level!!! Plus I hate electronic communication.

I was thinking today that it might be time to become the WAS myself - tell him I'm done dealing with him by reading the letter and disappear. If he really wants a D he can file, I'll respond, I have no issues with that. Funny thing is he screens my calls so I would be essentially "breaking up" with his D plans probably via voicemail. THAT thought makes me laugh!

I like exploring the idea of different... its intriguing!

Just musing....

Off to clean my very dirty house- UGH for construction messes!!!!!


T

[pearlharbr]

Here's my crack at it:

I have given serious thought to our situation and this is what I have decided. It’s clear this divorce does need to move forward.

I understand that you have some complaints about my role in our marriage. However, your decision to involve a third person in our marriage is unacceptable. I will not continue to live in an open marriage.

There is no longer an open invitation for you to come home. Any further conversation regarding financial or legal matters should be directed to my attorney.

Now I know that it feels good to really tell him off, but an email filled with emotion shows him that you're still involved enough to get worked up. When you bring up the fact that you're still willing to work things out you show that you're still hanging around waiting for him. You're making yourself the fallback option.

I would first get everything squared away logistically. Talk to your L, figure out the bank accounts, etc. If you give H a head's up that you are changing the financial arrangements it gives him the opportunity to clean out accounts. Have you frozen the joint credit card(s)? Make sure your ducks in a row and then tell him you're done.

And I would stick to email. If you call you set yourself up for the possibility of him drawing you into a conversation you don't want to have.

Now I have to go clean my dirty house to get ready for the party!