See hope, want to get there

[Gnosis]

You did OK.

Received text from W at 9:45. "You there?" I was still running last minute errands. I followed robx advice, answered 15 minutes later "Yes."

Um... I think Rob was telling you... if you're busy... you don't answer. You don't need to count the minutes between replies. You answer when and if you feel like it. Same with phone calls and emails. Sometimes your answer can be immediate -- for things like emergencies, logistics etc. If any message received triggers an emotional response in you (e.g. anger) then delay responding until you're in a better place.

11:46 W starts sending texts, each I followed robx timetable, no response in less than 5 minutes. Each time W sent another when I didn't respond when she thought I should have.

Do you see what happens when you stop REACTING to her texts?

Each along the lines of justification. e.g. 'I did this because', 'I felt this way because', 'I thought this because'.

OK, this is something I feel very strongly about: TEXTS DON'T MEAN A DARNED THING. Stop hiding behind texting as a means of communication. This is not the way grown adults interact. This is not the way human beings were meant to communicate. I'm a firm believer that if you have something serious to to tell someone you do it face-to-face. This way you will be able to convey your message with the correct tonality and they will be able to see you facial expressions to determine the sincerity and gravity of what it is you're trying to say. You will also be able to gauge their response and receptiveness to what you're saying. The only contingency is when circumstances prevent this from happening -- and then it is by phone.

Again W started with text, one every few minutes. I didn't respond to any. Same line, but adding that she knew she had made a big mistake, wished I could believe her that nothing became physical in any way. That she knew and understood she had done this on her own and deserved whatever consequences came from it. I hadn't replied to any again.

She is still in the first stage of remorse. She needs to be in the 3rd or 4th stage of remorse before you consider changing tack. I don't know if Puppy Dog Tails post on the stages of remorse was in OB's thread or not... and I'm in a rush to get this out to you to check. If it's not there, let me know and I'll dig it up for you.

"Yes, and I appreciate what you are saying, however I hope you can understand that after the last 5 month's, words don't have much weight. You talk only about your feelings, I have feelings too. I'm not sure about many things right now, not sure how long it will be before I can sort them out, and be sure what I feel or want for myself right now.

You should have stopped right here. That is a perfect response. Instead you started pursuing again...

To this point you haven't even given me the respect to answer my original question."

YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE pushed for a response on your original question. THAT IS CALLED PRESSURE and it resulted in the following PRESSURED response:

Another 15 minutes went by. Then this text. "Have thought about it. I understand why you have doubts.

Because she doesn't really understand. Everything IS STILL ABOUT HER. She isn't ready. She has not suffered ANY CONSEQUENCES to her actions. I hope that you can understand that it is the only way for her to learn her lesson and for her to WILLINGLY pursue and WORK HARD for what she thinks is lost that she will start to consider her feelings.

I just wanted you to know how I feel now, and how much I regret what I have done.

This looks promising. 1st stage of remorse. Nothing to jump up and down about yet. It's still all about her.

If it would help, I would take a Lie detector test.

Aahh! Here comes the soap opera... too much TV drama. Your response when she brings this up again: "I don't think it will help. Those machines can be fooled and they're not 100% accurate. Lies can be shown as the truth and the truth can be shown as a lie..."

And yes to your question. Tell me exactly what you want." My reply, "I think I was pretty clear on the conditions to return to this house. Thats the answer I need before anything else." W "Yes. There isn't, and will not be anyone else in any way. I'll leave FB, and my phone open to you so you can see them at any time." My reply "OK, I am tired, we can talk about other things another time." W "OK, goodnight."

You FORCED her to answer... and she is answering with what she knows you want to hear. Talk is cheap. Don't believe anything you hear right now. When the words are followed by actions then you can allow yourself the luxury of batting an eyelid. Do you see this?

I say this because your W was in fantasy land for 5 months. She has just had that fantasy blown up in the last week or so. She has not had time to gather her senses and is not sure of what she wants. This is why she is running home... she is going to say or do whatever she has to to get into a "safe haven" until she can gather her thoughts and have time to grieve the loss of her dreams. Only after she has done that will she be ready to be rational enough to give thought about you and your relationship.

I'm a hardliner when it comes to this kind of thing. I would not let her back into the home... so she can have the space she needs to come to her senses. During that time she will also have time to recognize everything she has thrown away. Remember... she was willing to throw it away... and it never happened. If she doesn't have that sense of loss then she will have not learned a thing and some months down the line it will be a "rinse and repeat" experience for you.

It's a start.

Yes it is. I'm glad you realize that this is NOT "instant coffee" She needs to go through the "love chemical" withdrawal.

One thing you need to remember: You HAVE NOT received a verbal, face-to-face, sincere and honest commitment to work on the marriage and reconcile. Until then, it is status quo: You GAL, 180, keep busy on working on you and stop pursuing. You are the 4C's.

Gno, robx. You gave me more than I had hoped for. Have a starting point now.

You're welcome. And... you have more than a starting point... you have an outline for your roadmap.

Now I have to be even more serious, keep mysef, and my attention to what has, and what will work. Know I'm still don't have all steps concreted in my mind. This trip will give me more time for self assurance, and dedication.

What will help is if you read up on other people's situations... and see what they have done... and where they're going wrong. You will see their mistakes and learn from them.