I hope you realize how lucky you are to have so many people who've tried to help you. Some posters do not get a fourth of the response that you have received. But, do you realize that you are about to lose most of them? I'm going to try one more time, and this will be long, so please hang with me.
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If its coming from me, it's not even as welcome as if its coming from a stranger.
Exactly! If you will accept that fact and stop trying to convince yourself, or your SO, that it is different or that she might come around.....b/c she won't. It's hard. It hurts. But you must force yourself to see that it is what it is...and move forward and build a new life.
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After you said what you did about how people had put you down your entire life and you just took whatever they handed to you without standing up to them....... it ....oh heck, I may be wasting my time....but here goes: You may have heard the expression that we teach people how to treat us. That is as true of a statement as anything I know. Humans can be very curel and if they know another person will take being treated unkindly, then it is almost as if some are like animals who see a "weaker" animal and attacks him. Do you see what I'm trying to say? I have known people like you and instead of everyone responding positive ....it works the opposite and people mistreat you. I think it is probably worse when you are a man.
I believe that it is hard to overcome many things about how we are raised, but I do believe we "can" overcome and we can change how we are "if" we want to badly enough. You "can" change from appearing to be the weaker animal and find your inner strength and convidence so that it will be what folks see and respect.
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I have decided that you really don't know exactly how to confront people in some of these things. I don't think you understand what boundaries are or how to set them. You've tried and you "think" you have set a boundary, but it isn't actually a boundary at all, so it kind of backfires for you. So, did you read up on that thread by Coach in the Newcomers thread about boundaries? It is a valuable set of lessons there in that thread...if you will study and learn from it.
The other thing I have noticed in your posts is how you want to "explain" yourself. You want everyone to "understand" you and the situation-- and why you feel what you do and why you did what you did. The more you feel attacked.....the more you try to justify or explain yourself. May I pass along something that I had to learn....and still have to put into practice in my own life? You do not have to explain yourself to everyone. You do not "owe" people an explaination. Yes, it is consideration to explain yourself at times....especially to those we love, or our boss, etc. (depending on the circumstances), but actually it is an act of self-defense.....only it falls on deaf ears for most of the population. I don't know why it tends to turn a lot of people off, but it does. Guess it goes back to the "weaker animal" thing. The cold hard truth? The general population doesn't want to hear your reasons or explainations.
Now, I believe when a person has grown in their self-respect, they don't feel that "need" to defend themselves. Your self-esteem is so low that you can't see daylight. I hope the books you plan to read will help you in that area, but if you would see an IC...that might give additional help. The main point is that you put into action what you learn from those books.
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The last thing I want to mention is that you can't detach from your SO if you see her twice a day. Some men have to learn to do it even living under the same roof....but I don't think you can get through this as long as you are seeing her every day. My suggestion is that you set a visitation schedule that is fair to both parents and to the child. B/c of this R being like it is at this time, you need a person as your "go between". Either your SO's father,or his GF, or somebody you can depend upon to deliver your D3 to your house. The point is to keep your SO completely away from you. If she needs to relay a message to you, then she needs to send that message through the "go between" person. The same applies to you sending her messages. So far, too many messages have been sent back and forth that were not necessary. That is why your statement about contacting only in an emergency was a hoot. She pays no attention to things like that b/c you have not enforced it. When she contacted you, you wanted to remind her that that was not an emergency, but instead you handled it incorrectly. BTW, repaying her with the treatment she hands to you...is not a boundary, okay?
After a person is designated as the go-between, then all TM's from your SO can be ignored. If you cannot ignore her.....then you are simply lost! That is the first thing you must do!
Do not allow her to come inside and plop down on the couch to chit-chat! Stop all of that. You don't know how to handle the situtation and she takes control. You go from hot to cold. When you are trying to "stand up" to her, you are actually coming across as being angry and childish. So you have to learn how to handle that. Again, maybe some of those books will help.
If for some reason, she should show up at your house to bring D3, meet SO at the door and take D3 and tell SO goodbye. Close the door. Don't start thinking about "her" rights to be there. She gave those rights away when she chose to leave. You need to have the locks changed and don't even ask for her keys. Don't talk to her....period.
This post is too long already, so I will close. I hope you put forth effort in doing this or your support will begin to grow less due to people getting so discouraged. This board is full of wonderful folks, but they have their problems as well. We are all here to help, but you have to help yourself or it is useless.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The last thing I want to mention is that you can't detach from your SO if you see her twice a day. Some men have to learn to do it even living under the same roof....but I don't think you can get through this as long as you are seeing her every day. My suggestion is that you set a visitation schedule that is fair to both parents and to the child. B/c of this R being like it is at this time, you need a person as your "go between". Either your SO's father,or his GF, or somebody you can depend upon to deliver your D3 to your house. The point is to keep your SO completely away from you. If she needs to relay a message to you, then she needs to send that message through the "go between" person. The same applies to you sending her messages. So far, too many messages have been sent back and forth that were not necessary. That is why your statement about contacting only in an emergency was a hoot. She pays no attention to things like that b/c you have not enforced it. When she contacted you, you wanted to remind her that that was not an emergency, but instead you handled it incorrectly. BTW, repaying her with the treatment she hands to you...is not a boundary, okay?
After a person is designated as the go-between, then all TM's from your SO can be ignored. If you cannot ignore her.....then you are simply lost! That is the first thing you must do!
Do not allow her to come inside and plop down on the couch to chit-chat! Stop all of that. You don't know how to handle the situtation and she takes control.
Of all your advice this is the the part that alarmed me the most. I havent seen her since Wednesday afternoon and already its hard. The thought of not seeing or hearing from her at all puts a lump in my stomach. But I will still start thinking about it.
I would have to figure out the schedule...currently she gets D3 in the morning and drops her off in the afternoon except for Thursday when I have her all day and Friday nights whens he has her all day. Perhaps one week with me and one week with her. But then there would still be good-night calls to D3 where I would be in contact with my ex either week for a few seconds...others here have said to disallow those calls would be punishing D3 and I tend to agree. Of course making D3 go a week without seeing one or the other of us could also be hard on D3.
I will have to think more on this. I see the healing advantage truely having no contact with her would have for me, but D3 is already starting to show small signs of distress at the situation so I've got to figure out how not to compound it.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Don't start thinking about "her" rights to be there. She gave those rights away when she chose to leave. You need to have the locks changed and don't even ask for her keys.
I actually changed the locks the other day. She may not have noticed as the new locks look similar to the old ones.
It seems the positive mood I had last night only set me up for a fall.
Last night I had two dreams that upset me. One involved my ex's divorced friend...and in it I wanted to ask her so bad why she had introduced my ex to the OM.
The next one was even worse, as in it my ex and I were holding one another and slow dancing. It felt so damn real...and then I woke up and I'm alone.
It's hard enough to control and push away thoughts when I'm awake...but dreams...forget about it.
After waking up from that dream about my ex I was missing her like crazy and wanted to call or text her so bad to see how she was doing...but I didnt.
Needless to say I'm feeling down. Plus we got almost 20 inches of snow here...and I'm worried that they will say they wont bring D3 back today...which means I'll be alone again the whole day/night.
SEVEN mentions of "her" in your last post and not ONE mention of anything about YOU. After Sandi's amazing and long post to you, the best you can respond with is more about "her".
You have issues. WE ALL HAVE ISSUES. You are unwilling to look at your issues. Instead you make it all about "her" and the blame you can place on her.
Your daughter is not a pawn. If you and "her" are unable to work out a suitable visitation schedule then seek legal counsel to learn your rights. Are you speaking to a C for YOU and your daughter?
SEVEN mentions of "her" in your last post and not ONE mention of anything about YOU. After Sandi's amazing and long post to you, the best you can respond with is more about "her".
You have issues. WE ALL HAVE ISSUES. You are unwilling to look at your issues. Instead you make it all about "her" and the blame you can place on her.
Your daughter is not a pawn. If you and "her" are unable to work out a suitable visitation schedule then seek legal counsel to learn your rights. Are you speaking to a C for YOU and your daughter?
CityGirl I was more or less journaling in talking about my dreams.
As of now we do have what seems to be a suitable mutually agreed upon visitation schedule, though it involves me seeing my ex twice a day 5 days a week. It may be possible to find a go-between as Sandi suggested for that schedule and then D3 wont have to go so long without seeing either one of us.
Since I cant really go out in the snow I'm going to read more today and hope things get cleared up enough outside that D3 can come home.
I wanted to add that I'm seeing the C in an attempt to help me become a more emotionally stable person....so that I'm not only able to be at peace emotionally after all this, but so that I'm not reacting to/saying/doing things based on my emotions.
So far we've spent most of our sessions talking about the failed relationship...though that is the source of where my emotions are currently coming from. I hope that the next session will focus more on me.
As far as looking at or not looking at my issues, since that seems to keep coming up here...I must be completely missing what I'm supposed to be doing.
I admitted both to myself and others (and sincerely apologized for) the mistakes I made in the relationship that led to its crumbling and have ceased or reversed those mistakes. I bought and am reading many books including one on self-confidence and one about not sabotaging myself by being too nice. And I'm doing this so that I will be a stronger person capable of facing head on what life has to throw at me.
As far as looking at or not looking at my issues, since that seems to keep coming up here...I must be completely missing what I'm supposed to be doing.
The two things I see you must do work first is your low self esteem and breaking contact with your SO to try to pull out of this co-dendency you have on her.
I tried to give suggestions, but you are "explaining" (again)how hard on you it would be not to see her .....and how hard a schedule would be. You can't have it both ways. There has to be some sacrifices and some tough decions made. I doubt very seriously that the two of you will keep a twice per day trip back & forth always, b/c neither of you could have much of a life and move forward running like that. You have to be realistic, and to me, that's not very realistic. I can't imagine how unsettled that baby must feel, but like I said.....can't have it both ways.
You need to talk to your IC about your co-denpendency and low self-esteem instead of making it a marriage session. This needs to be about you.
Unless you can at least "try" to work on that, I jsut don't know how to help you b/c nothing we suggest will do any good. It would be a wast of vauluable time.
If you have specific question about "how" to do certain steps, then we can go from there, but otherwise, I think things will be stuck where you are. You don't want that, do you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
P.S. Since you've apologized for your mistakes in your R's, please don't continue to do that. Once is enough. After that, it looks very weak and whiney. Keep your head up and look forward and stop thinking about all the stuff that's happened you can't change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
