no idea what to do......

[gman]

went for a run last night - slept well in same bed as W.

i really feel she is suffering from depression and needs help. as i said a few posts back she doesn't really have anyone she can confide in other than me.

i do not want to force the issue, she has been dead set on seeing any MD or therapist of any form.

not saying that this will save our M but might help her out of her fog (wether it be with me or not).

after yesterday i can see my boys picking sides and it is only going upset her more when she sees the results.

or do i need a slap with a 2 x 4 and let her deal with her own problems?

[gman]

uggghhh...

another great night. W insisted on asking what do we do now...we can't keep living like this.

i can't beleive i actually said this "it is your choice and every choice has concquences"

her -what does that mean?

"it means if you want out so badly then you need to make a choice", "it means if you want seperation then i suggest you make arrangements"

i reall hope i didn't ruin any progress i had made - but i was calm and it felt good. of course she thinks it is me trying to make her look bad in other peoples eyes

[gman]

^^^sorry i had to cut short W suddenly came in.

what do i do any more - i try GAL and feel better to an extent with myself, but she is still here and assumes i will leave at some point and just give it up.

doing 180's and nothing seems to help.

i am hitting a wall that i don't think i can get around, worst part is my boys are lashing out about how "mom needs to yell at them not me"(in hopes of me and her staying together) "i don't want you to leave"

i tell them that i will never leave them and that mom and dad are having a rough patch - but it is making them resent their mother which i do not want.

all i want is a chance...give me strangth for both of us please

[Dane]

GMan,
You are doing ok. Keep detaching, go darker. Let her feel the consequences.
Keep getting your own life. It is the only way, i wish I would have found this board 2 months earlier, i would have been so much further along.

[Gardener]

gman! Here you go. It's time for no holds barred!

worst day in my life....

C'mon, g'man! I'm sure it's bad enough without adding the woe-is-me drama.

"so i am suposed to just keep living with some man in the house"

Tell her, "You're not supposed to - or required to - do anything. You're an adult; you're free to leave."

she left to take our S11 out to a friends - i thought i was alone and broke down....i heard something....my S8 was standing there crying....it crushed me - i have never felt pain like watching him.

2x4! You've never felt pain...you were watching him ...in pain. Your son! You're the father! And all that occurs to you is that you've never felt such pain?

he told me how he doesn't want me or mom to leave....i told him neither do i.

I, Me, Mine! How about validating HIM? "I know you don't. I imagine it must feel very sad and and scary. It is to me, too. I know how sad and scary feels to me. How does very sad and scary feel to you? How can I help you? Maybe we can help each other."

I can't sit and watch my children get upset.

Again, I: it's about you! Don't sit and watch! Do something. Comfort your son! Distract your son! Extract your son! Do! Something!

i have no one to turn to, don't think i can keep taking the punishment
i feel defeated.

It hurts. Bad. Like nothing else ever did. We've all been there. Many of us still are. As Sean Connery said to Kevin Costner/Elliott Ness in The Untouchables: "What are you prepared to do about it?!"

Don't make me round up a posse of frustrated DBers who have been posting to you in vain and come over there with a sh!tload of 2x4's. Because we will use them. And it won't be pretty!

Stop obsessing on your wife and sitch.
Stop being a victim.
Be the father your son desperately needs right now.

What have you done for YOU today?
What are you going to do for YOU tomorrow?
Did you get Learned Optimism like Coach suggested so long ago?
Hold Onto Your N.U.T.s?
The UltraMind Solution?
No More Mr. Nice guy?
Look into Beyond CoDependence
Read CoDependent No More.
Look into How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk ...

What. Have. You. Done?

Pick something. One thing. And do it!

I can't speak for others, but I'm this close to not coming to your thread anymore.

Gman, forgive me, but you've got The Poor Me Victim Stance Down to a Science

i don't want to give up

Yet, you have!

I'm going to bed. You, sir, exhaust me!

And, quite frankly, this post is to gman from GMan!

[Energizer Bunny]

One thing that I have really gotten out of the last 15months of my own life - sometimes you have to let them know that you're there if they need you, then step aside and let them fall on their face. Until they feel consequences nothing will change. The more you try to help, or tell them what to do the more they will struggle to break free. The more they will be able to see your actions as the reason for their unhappiness too.

[gman]

to the other Gman - thank you, and i really mean it.

I must admit the post you read was written while in a very emotional state and looking back at it i can totally see the "woe is me" (hope i am not using too many "I" in this one...lol).

I have been trying to get my hands on a couple of the other reading suggestions but my local libray only carried a couple.

i have read DR and ultramind solution, i have located learned optimisim and will be trying to pick that one up today (think the N.U.T.S. book is one i should hunt out as well)

2x4! You've never felt pain...you were watching him ...in pain. Your son! You're the father! And all that occurs to you is that you've never felt such pain?

very true, this should not be about "me"...validting my childrens emotions and concerns is a new "goal" for me.

today is another day and i have been placed back on the raod ahead of me (with some help), now i just need to stay on that road and stop looking for a quicker way to get there - where ever "there" is.

thank you all again -

[Gardener]

Well, kudos to you, gman.
While sincere and honest, I may have been a bit too strident last night, but you got under my skin and I think you needed to hear a few things.
And you took it with an open mind and like a man.

Keep going. It's hard. We all know it is, whether we've successfully DBed or not. We'll help. But you have to do the work, make the effort. The effort of your life.

[gman]

how is this for strange....i read through the book "learned optimism" and take the test to help me understand my "style" to coping with bad situations....tells me i have optimistic thinking style (more so that i recover quickly from bad situations) read the entire book over the week-end....that is one deep book, caught myself reading, re-reading, and re-reading sections.

as for my situation - continuing to work on me, even going out of town later this week on business trip - first one in almost 10 years i think.

anyhow got to wish my S a happy B-day here, said he wants to go to book store or libray with me next time i go - sounds like a great idea to me.

[gman]

ok....now i do need help/advice/thoughts.

i think i have fell into a R conversation trap 2 times today...stupid emotions keep getting the better of me lately. I was very firm today when asked what "we" should do about our sit.

I stood by my old stand by after she pressured about one of us leaving the house "this is your decision", i told her "and if she felt it necessary that one of us not be around then she should make arrangemants to be elsewhere".

this is the part i think i f'ed up - she then said something along the lines about "i would hate here" - i told her i wouldn't hate her, and i didn't want her to go anywhere, but i wasn't going to make life easy for her either (meaning paying for her car, cell phone, food, clothing outside of our home).

did i just cause more damage? and what else can a person do to keep on the road to DB'ing when confronted like that (living in the same house i am guessing this could become a daily thing)

slow down stuipd emotions..think first..grrrr.