Karen, I take from what you've said the obvious fact that you are a great parent who is seeing the fruits of your efforts to teach your children the difference between Right and Wrong. You've got a great kid there.
My two are still quite a bit young and impressionable. S5 is easily swayed, certainly. And while historically S9 has shown a strict penchant for finding the truth, he has been coerced and propagandized by his mother, the evil MIL and her cadre -- to the point that he now accepts his mother's viewpoint on D, the OM and the reasons why his family is now sundered. She continues to buy our S's off with gifts and material objects -- an arms race to which I can no longer participate. And while I would hope my S's would be unswayed by such crass bribery, sadly it actually seems to be working to her advantage anyway. (It galls me further that I am subsidizing her materialistic ploy through the CS payments I give her.) S's tend to gravitate towards their mothers anyway in their sympathies, and mine are no different.
If I were to be forced to move away to find employment, I have no doubts that xW would use this to shut me out of my S's lives. She will immediately demand the 50-50 shared custody be abolished and that she be granted sole custody, both physical and legal. I also predict she would use this to further alienate my S's from me -- fully and completely. S9 especially would react badly to no longer having every other week with his father, and take it as my abandonment of him and his little brother. xW would use his distress to convince him that I no longer really care for my S's.
When she announced the end of our M to me, she had fully expected that I would abandon my children to her. She had counted on it. When she realized that she had misjudged me (in her A-induced fog) and that I was thus thwarting her goals as a result, she was quite angry with me for not following the path she expected me to follow.
I am certain that if I were to "flee" now. regardless of the real reasons and circumstances, she would capitalize on it, resuming the "script" she had planned for me over two years ago.
I have faith in God, I do. But sometimes its difficult to discern whether taking a particular fork in the road is something He has willed or if it is something willed by something else, like human folly and wishful thinking. Right now my gut tells me that abandoning my kids to try to "save" myself would be the weaker act of Faith. As such I tend to distrust any urge to "run away" from some thing, especially where my obligations and priorities lay.
NoCode, I hope you don't mind, I posted this in the alt earlier so I wouldn't forget...I read that post a couple of times and it was, in my opinion, outstanding.
************************************************************ I needed some time to gather my thoughts after reading your post from last night. Thanks for the assist yesterday. Knowing others were there in Spirit made it bearable. Thank God that one is in the bag. I sure hope today is better. Would be nice if He would just clue me in to His plan. Apparently that plan does not include winning the Lottery. $$
Been real busy with work. Fighting a chest cold, and cough. Weary.
I just put my two S's to bed -- Fridays are the weekly changeover days, and I hadn't seen them in a week.
S9 has a school make-up day tomorrow -- for having been out three days due to snow and ice. No rest for us after all.
It's been a long grueling week. I'm not in good spirits right now. I had a long conversation with my two S's following an incident with their mother's call to them this evening.
I picked them up after work, as usual for the start of my week with them. It seems like it was no time before the two of them started talking about OM and their mother. I ignored their words on said subject matter and calmly steered us to other topics. No big deal.
But it kept popping back up. It became tiresome hearing about OM. It is all too apparent that xW constantly plays him up for my S's, always sings his praises and keeps them all focused on OM and everything to do with him. After her continual carpet bombing all areas of their day-to-day existence with words involving OM, it's no wonder that S9 and S5 are now parroting her words even to me.
I managed to hold the line, calmly and nonchalantly changing the subject each time to something more relevant to whatever we were actually doing, like eating dinner, watching a cartoon, etc. -- that is, until xW called for their regular nightly phone conversation with their other parent, in this case their mother. She talked first with S9, and then with S5. At one point S5 asked his mother point-blank about "Mr. OM" ad whether he was there with her on the other end of the line.
I was stunned, not expecting at all that either of my S's would ever ask their mother something like that in front of me. I was starting to worry that maybe xW would think I had put S5 up to asking such a question. But then the OM got on the line and began to have a conversation with S5! He was acting as if he were my S's parent, brazenly saying he was right there with his mother and that they missed him, etc., etc. (I stayed out of it, kept my cool, but it was all I could do to not pick up the phone and tell OM to STFU!)
I let S9 finish the call and hang up.
After bath time I sat them both down and had a bit of a talk with them both. I gently queried them about why all this concentration on this person, Mr. OM. I eventually got a picture out of them and I think I know what's been going on. xW has stepped up her campaign to promote her OM to my S's, to sell them totally on her and him -- and she's now telling them that they intend to get married -- or more precisely: she intends to marry OM. (I'm thinking to myself, "Whatever".)
Either way, it's no big surprise there -- but the shameless attempt to brainwash my kids is going too far.
So starts a long conversation with my two S's trying to prepare them for some possible events headed our way. We discussed what M and commitment really are, and how many people take a contrary flippant attitude towards such values.
As for their mother and OM, I tell my S's I have been predicting these eventualities and assure them they should not give too much "energy" to whatever comes up. The actions their mother takes with Mr. OM should be of no concern to them. They are to love their mother and give respect to her and the OM, but OM deserves no other consideration. He is not their parent, nor would he ever be. His friendly appeals to them should be taken with a grain of salt. In reality he may honestly care for them or he may not. I don't want my S's to put too much stock in a person who has a history of wooing both mothers and their children only to move onward later to "greener pastures". Once the knot is tied, his attitude might very well change towards them having secured their mother's affections.
We, my S's and I, talked at length about a number of things, but these are the things that weighed the most on my heart.
I am deeply saddened that their mother has preached so long and hard about never involving our children in "adult matters" -- whilst in reality she's been constantly peppering them with her views on M, on D, on adultery and on OM. Likewise she has been poisoning my S's against me with subtle words. At one point S9 started to relate to me about something his mother said to him about me. He began by saying, "She said 'It's not just that your father is a bad person, but that...'" and then he trailed off -- I asked him to continue but he said he couldn't remember, and changed the subject.
It might be that S9 was taking what his mother said out of context (I doubt it), but in any event I am convinced she is trying to have my S's draw the conclusion that I am really a terrible person who somehow deserves to have been betrayed and cheated upon. (And I have already established the fact, by her very own words to me, that she has attempted to use me as a model of bad behavior to which my S's should avert from.)
I am sooo weary.
There's no end to her treachery. Frankly, I don't care even if she marries that faithless baffoon (it'll never last -- one or both of them will cheat on the other all too soon.) I just want them to leave my S's out of their quagmire. Just let me have peace alone with my kids and away from her world of insanity and lies.
I guess my rant is over for now. Just wanted to get that out there. I know some will attempt to read me the riot act regarding the OM and defend him as a stepparent. Whatever. I'll warn you I'm just not sympathetic to arguments about how such miscreants are to be respected as another parent to my kids. That's a load of cr*p. I've now read a number of those books about how to smooth the path for kids going through D and the aftermath of blended families. While most of them have sound advice, all of them gloss over the situation where A is involved -- and certainly don't address those cases where the OP and the WAS are morally bankrupt flakes. To many of these pop-psy books are mostly focused on greasing the skids of D under the merest pretense of what is best for these children.
I'd be ranting too if my kids were being subject to their parent talking like that about me!!! From everything I've learned about divorce, talking and calling the other parent a bad person is one of the worst things you can do. In my case, I know my kids would be shocked; they would really think their dad is flaking out. My kids very much know what is going on, and I think that's b/c they're 10 and 16, a bit older than yours. I know even at 8 or 9, D was a bit naive and not knowing what was going on about OW. She's learned a lot in the past 2 years, sad kind of, but I guess part of divorce is learning about stuff like that.
I think your S mentioning it sounds like your XW called you a bad person, would be a great point to talk with your kids about this stuff. I like to ask questions, like in that case, I'd ask my kids well do you think I'm a bad person? Ask questions and clarify. Maybe say something like when people are upset or in a bad mood, they say things that they shouldn't. My D was telling me today one of her afterschool teachers was mad one of the children's moms had complained about them, and she told all the kids which child's mom had complained. I told D that she was upset and said something she shouldn't b/c of that. I tell her the girl (who's mom complained) might feel bad being singled out like that. Just talk about stuff.
Your XW is clearly troubled. She has to try to justify to herself and your boys some of the poor actions she's taken these past few years. If you're not a bad person, then what kind of person would she be to do all the stuff she's done, right? I do believe that talking isn't the crucial thing, but modeling the right behavior. Your kids will realize more and more as they get older. Have faith.... (((((((nc))))))))
I am really feeling bad for S9. Had a long conversation with him driving home from our cub scout meeting this evening, and then thereafter until bedtime.
S5 had, at the last minute, opted to stay the entire night with his mother. Earlier he had specifically told me that he wanted to return back with me and his older brother after cub scouts -- that if "Mr. OM' was there with his mother, then he wanted to definitely stay with me instead (that was surprising to me). Immediately thereafter, as S9 and I were leaving the MIL's place to go to the den meeting, we saw xW pull up in her vehicle to pick up S5 -- OM was driving her in her (our old) minivan. That told me that xW would indeed be in OM's company tonight, and S5 had said he didn't want to be ther with the both of them -- I think because his mother is more focused on OM in that case.
Thus I know xW must have bribed S5 with something to get him to change his mind. Probably yet another new toy. Yeah, she does that.
Back to S9. He said something to me that's been sticking with me. He said that he now knows that his mother has been lying to him and his brother. He said she had always told them, for a long time now, that Mr. OM was "only a friend" and that she was "never going to get married again", that she was through with M.
But now that she has started talking about OM and that she plans to marry him, talking more and more everyday about it, S9 now realizes that his mother has not been honest with him -- that she is indeed a "liar" because she had been planning to M this person despite assurances to him and his little brother that she wouldn't ever do that, with anyone.
While I can say with all candor that part of me did feel some sort of vindication, my chief reaction, held in reserve, was one of anger and disappointment and sorrow for S9's sake. Why do we parents shave to abuse the trust of our children like that? WTH is going on with xW, and how can she live with herself?
My response to S9 was an attempt at consolation. I told him that his mother would not appreciate being called a liar, and I advised him to respect her -- at least enough to never, ever say something like that to her face. I said her reaction would undoubtedly be to deny that she had ever lied, but that she had simply "changed her mind" about OM. But I could tell S9 was going to buy that argument, should his mother ever try it. He added that he could tell that his mother had all along been working towards this, despite her claims otherwise.
S9 then said that he knows that his grandmother, xW's mother (the evil MIL), had also been coaching he and his little brother to accept OM as part of the family. This shocked the H*ll out of me, as I hadn't realized that S9 was that astute. (Then again, on the other hand, I can't assume that xMIL hasn't been less subtle with my S's when I am not around.) S9 even added that he thinks that xMIL was also encouraging his mother into pursuing Mr. OM.
By this last I was (secretly) flabbergasted. I asked S9 point blank if I was the one who put that thought in his head. He said no -- that while I had given him information concerning his grandmother's actions, he had observed her for himself and drawn his own conclusions. He sounded a little sad when he muttered that his little brother, S5, in contrast to himself, seemed completely taken in by their propaganda about OM.
I started to ask him about xMIL's attempts to supposedly help S5 practice some basic writing skills -- and how she had at least once used it as an attempt to brain-wash his little brother. But I thought better of it.
Still despite this, S9 told me that he didn't think OM was a "bad" person. He said that he knows that I think otherwise, but he just has his own opinion. I replied that while I think he is yet a little young yet to be able to understand that some people's kindness is really a deception, I could see that when he was older he would indeed be able to discern for himself whether his present assessment of OM was accurate or not.
There was more I wanted to speak with my S about (and there was indeed ore than I have taken time to relate here), we were at a point where we both needed to stop (to get a before bedtime dessert). I am sure this line of conversation will come up again, so I can be patient.
What I take from this is that S9 is aware of much that is going on -- more than I had originally given him credit for. But I can also see that while he is very smart, there are some things that still escape him, mostly due to his youth. He still lacks the moral maturity to be able to fully understand and discern Right from Wrong, but he's on the right path. I am encouraged that he sees things more clearly than I would have thought. But I am also sad that he is finding that the veracity of his mother's words are questionable.
I just got off the phone -- trying to talk to my S's. It's supposed to be our regular nightly call.
There's a winter storm rolling into our area, as it is across the entire southeast. And yet despite this, or perhaps because of this, xW was furiously trying to pack suitcases and load my S's into the van to venture out -- to drive an hour away east to be with OM.
So she will put our children at risk just because she cannot forgo a weekend away from her adulterous co-conspirator. She claims to be a stellar parent, but our S's take a back seat to her own libido.
Never mind this is another flagrant violation of our consent order.
S9 was impeded from talking to me by xW. She got angry with him for spilling the beans. S5 didn't want to talk at all after that. xW had S9 tell me her excuse was that they wanted to be over at OM's house in the morning to play in the snow there -- said he would have more snow out his way than here. That's a bold face lie -- the weather predictions show just the opposite, as that area is supposed to get more ice and rain.
But that's just her cover story, of course. I know and she knows that she just doesn't want to be snowed in away from her "boyfriend."
The other part of this is that it will jeopardize S9's participation in Scout Sunday. xW has been harping on Scout Sunday for weeks now, sending emails reminding me she wants S9's uniform on hand for that event, as she will be taking him herself. Acts like I am unaware of these things, even when I acknowledge them again and again.
Yesterday she changed her tact again. She stated that she had changed her mind about Scout Sunday at our church. She would take S9 to the Saturday evening service at our church, but she had been "invited by a friend" to attend another church on Sunday -- she and my S's would attend there at this "other church" on that day instead. And thus she redoubled her demands that I send S9's uniform.
When she came to my apartment this morning -- yet again to impose herself on my S's as we're trying to get out the door ourselves -- she made sure to pick up S9's uniform. (She has put not even one cent towards the upkeep and maintenance of his uniform, but because it belongs to S9 she seems to think she has authority over how it's used.)
So, now that she had changed plans again this very evening and I asked about whether S9 was going to be able to go to our church tomorrow (Saturday) at the very least. He paused on the line (assumably to look at his mother), and said it wasn't very likely given the bad weather.
This is upsetting to me. She knows this, but she doesn't care if anyone gets hurt by her self-centered actions, not even our S's and least of all me.
I then apologized to S9. I told him I was sorry he was being put in a difficult position between the two of us, his two parents. I said to S9 to tell his mother that if she was dead-set on going to be with OM tonight that I would be happy to take S9 and S5 off her hands. I know that got dead air, but I said it.
Also, I know this sounds petty of me, but when xW mentioned going to this "other church" by a "friend" the first question that popped into my head was exactly what "faith" does this friend and church actually follow? The Church of Unrepenting Adulterers?
I guess this is going to be yet another time I have to contact the Parenting Coordinator to lodge my complaint and get it on record. I know xW is probably going to twist OM's arm into tying the knot, to make an "honest" woman of her (what a crock!), but this is just so wrong of her, so far beyond the type of person she wanted me and everyone else to think she was.
You know, I understand more and more, with each passing day, just what pain Hosea must have gone through, in such immeasurable patience and silence, whilst his wife Gomer did all those horrible, wretched things. How he could not end up hating her forever is difficult at times for me to grasp -- he was far, far the better person and man of God than I will ever be.
I hear ya man. Similar thing for me - D7 wanted pajama party with the girl scouts tonight, but XW was getting a baby sitter at her house so old man and herself could go out. I made the suggestion and I dont push any further. Her getting a baby sitter when it is her weekend with the kids doesn't bother me anymore. She just has different priorities and values than I do. All I know is that when they are with me, I plan to do as much with my kids to mold them before the turn into teenagers and become more independent. Plus doing kid activities keeps me young at heart.
Just a little song to put things in perspective...
