"...I really detached enough that I didn't really want to see her."
"...I have been lightly flirting with her, "
"Right now she seems to be happy to be in limbo."
"She hadn't mentioned the "not wanting to be married" bit for a couple of months and at the time she did, we were in an argument about R. During that discussion, I was telling her we still needed to communicate in a meaningful way when it came to the kids. She thought that once she was out of the M, her responsibilities would disappear for the kids. It was like once they were out of her hands, they were no longer her responsibility"
"...While I was out, I met someone and I threw all my powers of attraction at her as a test and lo and behold, she gave me her number and wanted to go out somewhere later. I said maybe and that was that. It was good practice."
"Her boss she sees every day is the guy who she had the original A with."
Stuck I want you to re-read several items that you posted.
Follow reality.
You really detached enough that you didn't want to see her but you're trying to flirt with her. Either your lying to us or yourself or you don't realize that you don't actually mean what you're saying.
Why would you be flirting with her if you're attempting to detach?
No it doesn't work, it's not congruent, she can see through it, it's pursuing, please stop, it won't work for you, not yet anyways, you guys are nowhere near the stage where you need to be for that to work.
Right now she's happy to be in limbo. You're happy too apparently because you accept it.
Move on with your life, create real distance between you & her and watch things change, or keep staying where you currently are and continue doing what you're currently doing (pursuing, attempting to flirt, and be "charming").
Follow reality, reality doesn't lie.
Do what works, don't continue doing what you're doing, it doesn't work.
You don't have to boost the "charm" again, it's not going to win her back, it's just going to show her that Stuck doesn't get it, she doesn't want to be with you and continuing to pursue someone who rejects you only validates their internal decision making process that they were right to leave you in the first place.
"I reject him and he keeps pursuing me, what's wrong with him, he must be lower value than I originally assumed, poor guy, I don't feel like that about him, nothing he does is going to change my mind"
You pursue someone who evades you.
That is reality.
So stop pursuing.
Create distance.
She wants something she can't have. Her boss or whatever other affair partner she has that she currently doesn't have. She's pursuing them either physically, mentally or emotionally. That's where her heart is right now, she wants what she can't have. She doesn't want what she can have easily (you).
Create distance.
Move in the opposite direction.
She has never had to chase you. You've always been there. You don't allow yourself to be chased, how could she chase & pursue you if you don't play the "game" she wants to play. She feels more comfortable pursuing what she wants but you don't want to give her that. You are going against what she wants and you still think you need to flirt and charm her and yeah that will work because boy oh boy you've had great results thus far.
Move in the opposite direction.
I'll give you one last clue, you went out, met a girl, got a phone number and she asked you if you want to go out sometime later and you said.... "maybe" and you know what, that girl is interested even more because you somehow figured out to attract this other girl being attractive also means not being easy.
Incidentally, your wife is pretty good at this game even though she isn't looking for the result she is producing. She keeps her distance, you pursue her, she doesn't want to be with you, you continue pursuing and you want to be with her.
That's reality.
So why not use reality.
Use what works, stop using what doesn't work, stop following your feelings as to what you think you should be doing.
Just do what works and allow it sufficient time to take place.
