ssmguy, you said: "As I see it, the dilemma for me is how can I shake up my spouse enough to want to do something about our SSM without taking drastic steps like having a full-blown affair, going through with a divorce, moving out, etc.?"
The answer is: you can't. You must be willing to leave her over the fact that your marriage is sexless, or else just continue to accept things the way they are. Its that simple, and we've all spent over 20 pages previously telling you this.
You said: "I can't imagine what advice someone could have given my friend that would have worked, aside from what he did. He had to get to the point where he was utterly convinced there was no hope to continue working on his marriage, and just find someone else. Understanding that, and that her husband was in fact capable of finding and bedding and moving in with another woman, was what it took. She finally understood that she had in fact "lost" her husband and that SHE had to do something or he'd never be around again."
Yep. That's what it will take. It won't even necessarily have to include another woman. But it will have to include the willingness to leave if things don't change for the better.
And in case you haven't realized this, this would be the same answer no matter what the problem was.
It is quite common for people to come here with the same question you are asking, because they want their situation to change without them having to take such drastic measures. And we all advise them the same way: you have to reach the point where you are willing to walk out rather than continue to accept the situation. You don't have to walk today or tomorrow, but you do have to be willing to accept that you will eventually walk, and then you have to make that clear in no uncertain terms to your spouse. There is really no other way.
