Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[sandi2]

Stuck, I just saw you wave a flag at me on another thread, so I am late getting here. It always touches my heart when you ask me to drop by.....I just wished I knew something new to say that would help more. You have already received the main suggestions that I would give about this weekend.

That has been her main answer for everything. "I just don't want to be married anymore." I've tried asking in the past, what that meant and if there was something wrong in the M, but she just keeps giving me that answer.

I believe she relates all her unhappiness with the M, so in her mind...getting out of the M would result in her finding some sort of happiness. She doesn't know the true souce of what has made her unhappy and she continues to blame the MR.

You mentioned the state I was in when I was the WAW, and I'll never forget it. The first stages was just feeling like I had died. As someone has already said, I was "done". My body got up each day and went through the motions required to exsist, but I was not living and certainly wasn't "feeling" much. It got so bad and I didn't realize how vulnerable I was to some jerk coming along and handing me a little admiration. Guess what happened? I "felt" something inside. I didn't feel quite so dead when that happened. Anyway, you know the story so there's no need in getting off into that again. But, feeling dead was the first part.

Feeling some sort of "life" (even though it was wrong) had it's own addictions. It kept me going back to the source which made me feel alive. But then something happened next.....dealing with what I had done. That brought shame and embarrassment and all that stuff one has to face when they've sinned and when they've hurt the one who loves them the most.

I remember how I would just want to start running and find some "escape" from everything. (I even experienced panic attacks for the first time ever.) But, we can't run away from ourselves--and that was really the hardest part.

I didn't feel the full impact of remorse at one time. I guess if I had....there's no telling what I might have done. It's like facing the darkest thing about yourself and not being able to look fully at one time....and just taking in bits at a time. I'm not explaining this very well and I sure don't want it to sound like any sort of justification. It's just the way it happened to "me" and it may not be that way for anyone else. In time, the remorse came and it nearly killed me, but I knew I had to feel that in order to heal and to have any fellowship with God. Stuck, I even asked God to help me feel remorse for what I had done. Now, that's really asking for it, isn't it? But the thing was, I had so much resentment toward my H that my heart was almost like stone.

I remember a post I sent to a LBH who was hurt b/c his WAW had not apologized to him. At the time, I was still dealing with strong emotions about all of this and trying to work through my own junk. Anyway, I didn't give him the answer people thought I should.....and it set off a lot of sparks. But at the time...there weren't very many WAW's on the board, and he sure got a different POV from me.

It took me a long time before I sincerely apologized to my H. The first time he said something about me not even giving him an apology.....it just about sent me into an attack mode. I "tried" to give him a half-hearted poor attempt at one....but he knew I wasn't serious. I was not able to start healing until I was able to really tell him I was sorry for what I did.

Anyway.....I think some of that may be what your W is experiencing and maybe that's why she could never admit to her A.....IDK. I don't think your W has even begun to to take steps in healing. She wants out of the M b/c she thinks that might be the answer, but of course it's not. I think her hormones are so screwed up that she couldn't feel anything if it fell in her. I have experienced that and it is awful. She does feel dead inside. Yes, she can put on a front when with others, but that is for a short period and then she lets down. It takes energy for her to do that, but she may never admit it. She's depressed and any energy she tries to draw is for these times she feels she has to put on a good front.

I am confused about something, and forgive me for my poor memory, but is her boss the man she had the A with in the beginning when you first came on the board? Is this a different man that she has had an EA with? The fact that he has expressed feelings for her isn't good.....with her working everyday with him. But, you can't really do much about that since the two of you are S. She just needs to get another job away from him.

Anyway, I started out to tell you something and got side-tracked. If she doesn't want to "be married", then I believe that is exactly how you need to act around her. Do not think of her as your wife, and do not "treat" her as your wife. I would be very careful about flirting b/c it could come across as pursuing....while she's in the house this weekend. Afterwards, when she has gone back to her place, very light flirting (like with the check-out girl at Walmart) might be okay. But for now, I think you should treat her like your cousin or sister was over for the weekend. Be nice, but don't go out of your way to try to entertain her, etc. After all, she invited herself over.....right? Didn't even ask you? Would have been kind of funny if you told her you were having female company over for the weekend.

I still think she needs to see the loss from her choices. I agree with the others and think she needs to see this great guy she just set free and gave to the world full of desirable women.

After you look good, smeel good, and act good, GAL, etc.......then the rest is mostly up to nature. If Mother Nature is not working in your W, then I think that's the biggest problem for her right now. It's not all you, Stuck, but if she has zero hormone levels.....it stands to reason she can't be attracted. The only reason she would respond to that jerk of a boss is she's desparate to feel something again. She's just not looking in the right place. Keep shinning, Sweetie, and hopefully she'll finally see. I keep praying that she'll give up and go to a good doctor for help.

Sorry for the long post. Couldn't let 25yrs out-do me....(just kidding).