The Gandhi Approach -- 5 Whistles!

[Allen A]

food for thought! Are you welcoming differing opinions or feedback to modify the list?

BTW the do not list sounds like 180 list!

It's only a 180 if its counter to expected behaviour. I don't think most people DO these things under normal circumstances... so I would say its not a 180 to NOT do them.

If you guys want to add or remove from the list that's fine... as long as the are concrete items people can act on.

[chatterbug]

Actually that is very interesting Allen. Leaving. So now they have to take care of their fantasy and reality all at once.

Very interesting. Has she done any number crunching?

[Allen A]

I don't have the numbers no. She does this professionally so she should have them. She's written an eBook on this on her site as well. Save your marriage central .com

But yes, you understand the reasoning. It is important to make your spouse KNOW why you are leaving and what terms you will return under, but ya, she's advocating complete detachment.

A side effect of throwing reality full force on the two of them is that you are off elsewhere and aren't exposed to the drama directly.. she claims its healthier for the abandoned spouse.

[chatterbug]

its pure WAS... with no responsibilities. One thing I have noticed is that WAS acts like the LBS will do all the work.

And this is consistent within every stitch.

I like how this forces everything upon them at once.

So if you were to follow her steps what would they be? In exact order.

[Allen A]

I am a bit uncomfortable outling her steps in detail for her. They are on her site.

I woudln't call it WAS.

First, there are clear boundaries set.
Children go WITH you, you don't leave THEM behind.
There are clear terms for returning.
It is lastly made clear that the detachment is to SAVE the marrige, not to discard it like an old shoe. There is every intent on returning to the home when the affair is over.

Not walking away, its TAKING AWAY yourself from the painful drama until its OVER.

[Allen A]

There are responsabilities. You need to get someone on the WS butto to cover costs during your absence. you need to handle children without help. You need to find your own means of living. Single mom central. There IS a lot of responsabilities.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The moving out part is Penny Tuppy's position. I don't agree on it either.

Her reasoning is the detachment being so complete on the WS they will be under intense pressure, not to mention this heightens exposure if you have to leave your home.. its not something you can easily hide.

I am divided about it. Her position is it is counter-intuitive, but it does work in practice.

I believe you are suggesting remaining in the marital home out of priniple, not out of any strategic reasoning. Penny is pure strategy.

No, not just principle. Principle AND it forces the wayward spouse to "live" the reality and the consequences of their decision.

Puppy

[newmama]

Well, there are various experts on infidelity online (that I have discovered) and they all agree on confronting with proof and exposure first, if WS wants to come back to the marriage than request they end contact via letter, become transparent, go to counseling.

If they don't end the affair, there are more varying opinions out there but most recommend (in MWD's language): LRT+GAL+180.

[Nurse Husband]

Allen A

Does exposer of the affair include her employeer and co-workers? My W is a nurse and the EA is with a former long term patient. I don't want her to lose her job. As I feel that relationship has crossed profesional bounds.

Also what is a "GOOD FT"?

Nurse Husband

[Allen A]

GOOD FT = Good Family Therapist - a family therapist WITH INFIDELITY background... many offer to help but they haven't researched infidelity at all... they are useless to you

Exposure can be as much as you need to get the affair overwith. If just telling her parents will do it, then that's all you need...

I think you need to decide how serious the EA is.. if you feel its a threat I would at the very least tell her co - workers...

IF she gets fired, but you aren't the one who told.. oh well...

Exposure is a judgement call on your part... for me I only had to expose to my wife's brother and a couple friends...

It sounds like her coworkers would be a good place to start... make sure you have PROOF... she will DENY the affair... they always try to deny it