CG, it's true that I don't know that D would be the worst. It's important for me to not make assumptions right now even though I have a huge negative emotional reaction to the idea of D.
It's not just my sitch, but also the experience of losing my father as a young child due to death (obviously not the same as D but I guess I'm projecting) then living through having a father figure who disappeared, then having a stepfather who could never be a surrogate father to me, then having a half sibling whose problems took over the family. I know that none of that determines my children's futures, but I'm just realizing that my own childhood pain is colouring my perceptions right now. Something to work on IC I guess.
Also, the statistics don't portray a rosy picture about the plight of the divorced single mother (financial, emotional and health).
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
You will then have the power to lead your life in a far more free fashion (and no, I don't mean dating)
I really don't equate the life of a single mom with freedom <shrug>.
I have generally felt pity, not admiration, for divorced mothers (with dependent children). They often don't seem happy or fulfilled, unless they are caught up in the thrill of new relationships. And their children often seem to so obviously be wearing the scars of a less secure base in life, and don't really seem to benefit from the addition of stepparents either.
I guess I am enjoying the freedom from H's moods, dramas, criticism, etc. But I am not enjoying the freedom from sharing my life with another adult. I really enjoy solitude, but I have also always chosen to live with other adults (roommates who were friends) and have a sense of sharing with them. As a mother, I value sharing life with another adult even more.
Sorry to be negative. I am trying to be honest about my biases here because I know that dealing with them will be part of moving on.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My point exactly.. you will be free from your H's moods and all his drama and issues. If your H chooses not to change and improve there is no reason to be caught up in that web forever.
I didn't say being a single mom would be freedom. But a mom is only part of who you are. Just like being a single dad won't be freedom for your H.
And if you only know divorced mothers who are *only* happy in a romantic R maybe you need to find new mothers to hang with
Another thing to think about and something that you may consider working on is how much energy you channel towards making assumptions.
I don't think there are many people that do feel a POSITIVE reaction to divorce. Right now though it is very much your reality.
You have two threads that hold assumption after assumption about your H. How you assume his lack of positive role models is a negative in his life. How you assume he is having a MLC just because you read a list and it seems to be a fit. How you assume his financial issues are a root problem and so on. Hell, maybe he just is a jerk and doesn't want to be married anymore. See how assuming does no good?
Then you assumed above so much about divorced mothers and really, seeing how many divorced mothers there are on this site who work their ass off to feel okay it is a bit offense to read something like that.
It seems you tie your happiness deeply to outside R's with other people and not the R you have with yourself.
You say your childhood pain colors your perceptions. Well, what if your H told you the pain he felt in the marriage is coloring his perceptions? The past cannot dictate the future under any circumstance. My dad died too. I deal with an incurable disease too (my own!). I have a stepfather too. You are an adult now and you can make it so those things don't ever happen again. You have choices now.
CG, am I understanding that you are offended on behalf of other readers? If I caused any offense to anyone, I apologize because that was not my intention.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Kalni, thanks so much for sharing the process of acceptance that you went through. It's really hard to get a feeling for "big picture" and timeline from reading people's threads, so it was very helpful to read the summary.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I am not speaking for anybody. I was simply trying to point out that you seemed to have a very narrow view of what could make a single/divorced mom happy. There are many divorced or soon to be divorced moms here and because they have gone through the process in the "right" way (dealing with it like we all have to!) it seems they don't hinge their happiness on *only* a new R.
CG said: Hell, maybe he just is a jerk and doesn't want to be married anymore.
Um, can I get an amen? CityGirl hit on something I'm wondering about these days too. Yes, there's clinical depression in the world. Yes, there are anxiety disorders. Yes, there are hard childhoods no child should have to endure. Yes, there are adult financial and health struggles that impact us. But CityGirl's above statement also exists as a possibility. Bottom line, could be an integrity issue. How ever to know?
As a woman without children, I can let you know that it's no better really. Part of my vision of myself for the future was as part of a happy couple who both had interesting careers. Where flowmom fears becoming an unhappy single mom, I fear becoming the pitiable woman with 100 cats in her house. Even though I don't have cats. Point is, fear of change can give us all negative visions to terrorize ourselves with. Worst case scenario thinking, I think it's called. And it's not going to help anything.
