Just as a casual observer (I do not have a spouse that is cheating) but I find this all pretty interesting and I agree with your approach. My question, what happens after most of these affairs are terminated this way. Does the cheating spouse just go off and find someone else? Or does this have a long term effect?
If you mean what happens to the wayward spouse if they run off with their partner?
Apparently infidelty follows the two... and its very often the case that one of them cheats on the other or they break up when they move in and they can't negotiate finances or vacations like adults.
They just move from partner to partner, one rel failing after the other... in both cases... the WS and the OP both never learn to grow up and act like adults ...
It makes alot of sense really... you can see a sample of this on Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheens character.. he's a good example of the run away and start fresh philosophy... and he's often alone and miserable.
Actually, most of this stuff is much more aggressive than MWD advises. Out of respect for her, as our hostess, I don't think it would be appropriate to flesh out whole theories here that contradict some of her teachings. I do post from my own perspective, advocating what has worked for me and what I have seen work for others, but I try to be respectful of the differences in philosophies.
Puppy
I would not advocate one over the other concretely, I just was hopign to offer a checklist of "ten things to do and not to do" for each appraoch. But I understand your position of respecting MWD.
My fear is that these approaches can get confused if they aren't laid out cleanly... and its not laid out well all in one place.. and no one having their home under attack is in a state of mind to do any half decent research...I certainly wasn't.
I don't see why there would be a problem listing 10 things to do and not do BECAUSE between DR and the 180 "list" I am pretty willing to bet most of the 10 things would "echo" MWD! Do you think so Allen?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
yeah exposure while smiling and cooking dinner is actually a reflection of Plan A but Plan A was designed to be followed by Plan B ultimately!
For me, I exposed, kicked him out and ignored him 99% until the baby was born. Then didn't do any kind of method...just survived until he brought up D in October. The next day I started Plan A and GAL and 180 but am having great difficulty moving to an NC approach.
Have been gradually "avoiding" WH more each week over the last month.
Last edited by newmama; 02/05/1007:46 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Here's a first draft... trying to keep this thread on topic.
GHANDI approach
------------------------------------------------------------ Do's ------------------------------------------------------------ - DO state "The OP is attaching our home - help me protect our home and our family" - DO state "This affair is hurting me, you, and our children" - DO state "I want our marriage safe and protected so it can thrive" - Do state "The OW is NOT a therapist and cannot be of any help to us" - Do make a business card of your GOOD FT available so they can book an appointment - Do ask for HELP to protect your home from affairs and interlopers - Do collect INTEL - DO find intermediaries (friends or family) for managing children and finances... have a chaperone (friend of marriage) with you at much as possible.. WS won't try to pick a fight when you have company over - DO EXPOSE the affair to anyone who may influence the outcome in your favour - DO PROTEST the affair using statements above (three times is the limit)
------------------------------------------------------------ Do NOTs ------------------------------------------------------------ - Belabour the do statements above - three times is enough - Do not say anything else - silence and emotional distance is the key - think "Mr Spock" - Do not yell - Do not argue - Do not throw things - Do NOT show anger - Do NOT name call - Do NOT criticize WS - Do NOT interfere with WS phone calls - Do not interfere with WD use of the computer - Do NOT make dinner for WS - Do NOT do WS laundry - Do NOT pick up WS dry cleaning - Do NOT interact with WS if it is avoidable - get a friend to manage your bill payments and update WS on what's paid and due.. you do NOT need to talk to them!!!
- Do NOT give them an emotional response of anger... they FEED off that
food for thought! Are you welcoming differing opinions or feedback to modify the list?
BTW the do not list sounds like 180 list!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Work on yourself for yourself Detach WAS notices the grass is not greener and starts to regret what they have left behind WAS starts to pursue YOU You decide if you want or can have WAS back (this will be really hard for me if we get to that point)
Quote:
There really is no timetable though, that's the hard bit.
not sure if this fits Ghandi but sure makes sense!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I don't think a betrayed spouse should pay for the cellphone or the ISP that their cheating spouses uses to conduct their affair. I strongly disagree with that one, and in fact would broaden to:
- Do NOT do anything that directly enables the wayward's affair financially or logistically.
I've also seen you post above (but not here) about moving out? STRONGLY DISAGREE. In fact, it's just about the only thing around here that everyone agrees on: THE BETRAYED SPOUSE SHOULD NEVER MOVE OUT OF THEIR MARITAL BED/HOME. (unless of course there is abuse going on, or some level of relational toxicity that is SO great, that it's harming the children for you to stay, and your cheating spouse refuses to leave).
The moving out part is Penny Tuppy's position. I don't agree on it either.
Her reasoning is the detachment being so complete on the WS they will be under intense pressure, not to mention this heightens exposure if you have to leave your home.. its not something you can easily hide.
I am divided about it. Her position is it is counter-intuitive, but it does work in practice.
I believe you are suggesting remaining in the marital home out of priniple, not out of any strategic reasoning. Penny is pure strategy.
As far as paying for ISP... that's a tough one because if you both live at home, the AS is using the ISP to come HERE and get support... its kind of a double edged sword there to take that away. If its possible to cut out paying for ISP and phone then ... I dunno.. I would have to think about it...
The detachment in Ghandi really is about isolating yourself from yoru spouse... which would include financial obligations. If you CAN isolate to that level that sure.
