This day turned crazy. Check up with Doctor, then stopped by to see counselor a few minutes. 4 missed calls from W, no mess left. But she wasn't priority at the moment.
Talked to mother of grandson. She's had a blowout with live in boyfriend. Can't afford place by herself. Needed $500 for deposit on new place. Will be picking up grandson Saturday afternoon. She wants him out of that picture till she's settled into a new place.
After that was settled, checked text I had received. Was from W. In it W says that the night before she left, she had prayed to know what was right. That by the time she arrived there, she knew OM wasn't right, realized she didn't really care for him. But still thought D was what she needed for herself.... Then a week later she had had a few drinks with a college girlfriend, had too much, ended back at the room early. Says she felt very alone, needed to talk to someone, but phone was dead, and had left charger in girlfriends car. Feeling depressed, lonely, she want for a walk. Later ran into two elderly men who she didn't feel threatened by, talked with them for an hour. Seems they were from our same church, just different city. Had ended up praying with them. That when she woke the next morning, she knew D wasn't the right answer either, but felt confused as to what she really wants or needs. That would have been the night before she first called after NC for 7 days.
Then called W to see why she had been calling. W says she had spoke with grandsons mother, knew I would be picking him up Saturday afternoon. Was pleased she was able to change her flight, would land about an hour after I picked up grandson. 'WE' could all come back together.
Have thought this through, 'Wish list' from Gno has to become a 'to do list', NOW. Working through it now. Flowchart with realistic goals, planting that 'not pursuing' attitude into a habit, installing honest, sincere strategy for boudaries.
IMO, if 1/2 of what she says is true, it still leaves me as 2nd choice. That leavesme very angry. The 4 C's will have to help control the anger I feel. My first inclination is to drop everything I feel on her like a ton of bricks. Not a very effective offence, or defence at this point.
After I post this, will be taking Gno's advice, going to Puppy Dog Tails 'OnceBurden's tread'. Know by now, if Gno said it, there will be things there to fold into the strategy I will need.
Gno, MF, CG, and all who dropped a thought in. With the advice thrown my way, I don't feel like I'm going into this battle completely unarmed.
W knows grandson ALWAYS sleeps 90% of this trip. So W knows we will basically be alone 90% of that 5 + hours. So W knows there will be either talk, or angered silence. Tomorrow makes 5 month's since we have talked about R for more than 2 minutes. And that she was the one who avoided it.
So what is in W's mind? On the phone she sounded so cheerful, as if nothing had ever happened, except no 'I love you' at the end.
Again, IMO, this may be when boundaries come in. Now that I know what's coming, I feel up to the challenge, but know anger is the biggest obstacal. If boundaries come into play, they have to be sincere, honest, but definate. That the 4 C's will have to be in place to control the anger, and that a workable, ajustable strategy must be formost. And last, but not least, I know this trip could either be a begining, or a total trainwreck.
Thank God I have all of you to watch my back, hand needed ammunition when needed. Taking off now to PDT's thread to get more ammo.
Did you read and digest any of what you posted here? Your wife is still waffling back & forth. She has thoughts of OM, she has thoughts of divorce, drinks a bit, talks with strangers and her friends, changes her mind, thinks that maybe reconciling is the right thing to do.
Listen, I know you desperately want this all to be over and fixed but it's not going to work out that way at this point, not with her continuing to switch sides & opinions every few minutes about what she should do.
A strong, confident, emotionally stable man wouldn't accept anything resembling this.
If you want my opinion, I would tell her that maybe should continue to think about this because it still sounds like she's not 100% certain and you don't want to waste your time with her coming home so that she can tell you this is what she wants and then 2 weeks later telling you that she contacted OM and is still in love with him.
Yes, you're still the 2nd option and you know from every other guy on this forum, being an option is never where you want to be, not unless you enjoy this crap that you're going through.
Maintain your distance, tell her that maybe you're not certain about this anymore, you want someone who wants to be with 100% for sure and she doesn't sound like it yet.
It's ok. Seriously you've waited this long, this isn't going to make or break anything. If she gets angry at you telling her to hold off and wait before moving back home, you've revealed her true nature and intentions. If she accepts it and confirms that she's willing to work on herself and show you she's going to rebuild your trust through consistent actions then let her do it, it really actually works out in your favor if she does this: if she invests time, energy and effort into you, she is validating in her own mind that you are worth the effort, definitely a good sign. Where as with the indecisive, waffling back & forth attitude, she isn't 100% sure this is what she wants and that you're what she wants and isn't better for you to know this right now instead of assuming false hope that your divorce is busted?
Counter-intuitive, but follow reality, it will lead you on the correct path whatever that may be.
no boundaries, no pressure, she is free to do what she wants as are you.
If you have to pressure her to come home and working on reconciliation, that won't work. You don't want someone who is confused, you can't change that kind of person, only they can change themselves when they are ready to commit to the situation and do the work that's necessary.
I wouldn't make it easy on her, she broke your trust and she has to work on rebuilding it, you don't have to be an ass but you need to be calm, secure and confident about all of this - remember you're worth it and the only way to convey that message to her is to tell her you're not certain she's ready and you're not certain you want that uncertainty back in you life. Tell her to take some more time to make that decision as you need some more time to make your decision as to if this is what YOU really want.
Do you see the switch there?
Before it was all about getting her back.
Now it's deciding if you want her back, you don't leave that decision up to her. This communicates to her that you are confident, strong, masculine, stable man - someone she can trust not to crumble & fold like a weak wussy man because secretly that's what she wants from you or the man in her life that she feels she can commit to.
The only thing I would partially disagree with are the boundaries.
Those are for you and draw a clear line in the sand as to the way you wish to be treated by her. I think the types of boundaries Rob's thinking about are the ones where you bring up transparency as a condition of reconciliation.
The only thing I would partially disagree with are the boundaries.
Those are for you and draw a clear line in the sand as to the way you wish to be treated by her. I think the types of boundaries Rob's thinking about are the ones where you bring up transparency as a condition of reconciliation.
G I agree with you but the boundaries are only there if she is disrespecting him, obviously you maintain clear boundaries for how she treats you. Your self respect is always one of the most important things you have in your life, never forget that - thanks for the reminder G-unit ;-)
MF.......Got those three pretty well down, anger's what I'm dealing with now, but it's a lot better today.
robx, Not just watching clock per-sae. It's just that W usually has reflexive, instant, responses. No answer right away let me know W felt backed into a corner, no in between, has to be a direct 'yes' or 'no'. She didn't like that, and that she don't have a choice. W also knows she has to answer, or she won't be coming back.
Time frame just made me feel good at the moment that it stopped her in her tracks for a change, has to be serious, or hit the road.
Time frame just made me feel good at the moment that it stopped her in her tracks for a change, has to be serious, or hit the road.
And then he tells us this:
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Wish I could see the improvement you do.
It's all about mindset Dale... and the above shows a significant improvement over this:
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Right now, I'm thankfull the door has cracked open a bit, but scared I could blow it if I'm not carefull. Afraid what to talk about, that I might say the wrong things.
So... do you see what WE see?
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Don't get too involved with the flowchart. You don't want to be too robotic in your answers. It's the principles that you need to be familiar with. NO ONE executes things flawlessly -- so don't beat yourself up if you don't use the exact same words as us.
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Another few questions for you:
How much weight have you lost over this ordeal? Have you bought yourself a brand spanking new "slayer" wardrobe? Have you gotten yourself a haircut? Have you spruced up your appearance? Changed cologne?
If you answered no to any of the above questions... then go do them. This is the new Dale your W is dealing with.
Last edited by Gnosis; 02/05/1010:32 PM. Reason: spacing
G, scary, huh? For a minute, I was sounding like you!
Oh no! I've created a monster!
Originally Posted By: mindfull
Dale, I can offer wardrobe/hair/style support!
Now you know why Mind wants you on FB... to give you a complete makeover! Seriously, if you want to know what "look" will be attractive to a woman... ask a woman. After all, they're the customers and the customer is always right.
