Wife wants best of both worlds

[Cie la vie]

DW,

I do not think she was really that interested...hard to tell.

My W was emphatic about her decision and working on the marriage wasn't an option. That was her attitude immediately following the filing. I haven't gone near the subject since my initial pleading phase (a few attempts over a few weeks).

In the research I have done, people typically do not move out unless someone is waiting for them.

I'm not surprised. My W initially was involved and I believe still is with OM1 who lives 2000 miles away, however, she has introduced OM2 to the game and he is local. My W moved out a week ago this last Tuesday and OM2 was invited over for dinner the following Friday. She wasted no time furthering that relationship. Served herself up to him on a silver plater. Shocking! She is also unemployed and has a monthly nut in the neighborhood of 5K!

All these facts were gleamed from her texted messages on her phone. Those days are gone now.

Well, it finally happened. Got the email today that the W wants to intro the OM to the kids...next hurdle.

Great. This is a major concern of mine right now, the W and I agreed in mediation that the children can't be exposed to others until it is determined to be serious. What is the criteria for that and who decides? That hurdle isn't a fun one. Good luck on that one DW. Looks like I'll be eyeing that soon as well.

[MHL]

DW,
Good to hear from you. I am sorry that your W is moving ahead with the introduction of the OM. I know that has been on your mind for weeks. I would insist on some counseling on how to best handle this for the kids. I know I would insist on knowing more about him and his past and that at no time that the children be left in his care. He did not care about their well being when he was having an affair with your wife and just b/c he is with her now does not mean that all of a sudden he cares about them now.

Stating the obvious, but your kids will always have you and will remember how well you handled yourself during this time. You are a great father and even your W knows that the OM will never even begin to measure up to you as a man of strength and honor. She is fooling herself and it will hit her one day, and then she will feel the coldness of your absense.

Keep on posting, as I said I am still coming down for beer and pizza!! I usually see Kemper now about once a week, I'll let him know your status, he has taken a break from the board for a while but still lurks. Catch ya in the alt.

[dwinter82]

I spoke about the "intro" with my W last night. I was very calm and understanding (I was proud of myself). She told me she decided on the intro because her and the OM talked and agreed they are in a serious R...bummer!! They are apparently even discussing moving in together...bummer again!!

In any case, I first asked her what her plan was with the intro...she did not have one. She then mentioned she is taking the kids out of town to visit some family and wants the OM to come as well. I told her this was not an appropriate way to intro the OM. She seemed to agree. I then asked her if she had done any research or reading on the subject to help identify the right way to approach the intro...she had not. From this, it is clear to me my W is not thinking of the kids, just herself.

I am going to send her some ground rules, thoughts and expectations I have about this situation but wanted to get input before I do so. My feelings are pretty strong.

1. The OM was not concerned about the well being of the children during the A. Having someone like this involved in my childrens life is disconcerning.

2. I hate this man for what he represents and he will need to be kept away from me at all costs.

3. I will not be willing to attend any functions when he is present. This sucks for me and the kids but there is only so much crap I can put up with.

4. He is not to be left alone with the kids until it is dicussed (by me and W) and agreed upon.

5. I will be monitoring the kids closely; any negative impact caused by the other man will not be tolerated.

I know this is a strong stance and I need to think about the long term implications of what I am saying so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[C-Bart]

DW,
This really sucks.

Regarding your list. Take 24 hours away from the situation and re-write it. The way it is currently worded will not be received well IMHO.

You have an Attorney correct? Have you put together a parenting plan yet? You can put the terms of interaction of third parties in the parenting plan. They don't really have teeth but most responsible people respect legal documents. Additional you can have motion the court to make the terms of the parenting agreement effective immediately.

[Cie la vie]

DW,

I'm sorry to hear all this.

All your concerns a valid ones. I don't think your stance is over the top. However, I can understand your strong negative feelings toward the OM but as other have told me you can't blame the OM for the A. Our W's are responsible for allowing the hook up to occur. It doesn't happen if the our W's had choosen to remain faithful to the M.

I will not be willing to attend any functions when he is present. This sucks for me and the kids but there is only so much crap I can put up with.

I'd be monitoring mode as well and you kids are old enough that they can communicate any issues they have with the guy.

Regarding your list. Take 24 hours away from the situation and re-write it.

I agree with CBart about taking 24 hours to let the jets cool a bit before you submit your stated ground rules.

I'll be watching how this progresses with great interest. Keep you cool and stay firm with your stance on insuring the kids are as safe as possible.

[MHL]

Agree with others on the lawyer thing, I would absolute insist though that he is never left alone with the kids, ever!!! Also, I don't know what you D settlement includes, I hope no alimony but if so, in most states that goes out the window when they start to cohabitate.

Hang in there, I will be thinking about you, definitely catch you tomorrow as discussed in the alt.

[dwinter82]

Thanks guys!

My list was pretty angry. I toned it down considerably and made it more about the kids rather than the OM, although I did hit on a couple of the above OM items.

I never thought in a thousand years I would have to send emails like this out. I have been waiting for the intro to happen for months and I am not sure how I feel: relief, numb, pissed, sadness. I do know that I am starting not to give a flying turd about her and the OM. I also know I am turning off my DB efforts other than GAL'ing. I guess I will still try to be friendly but that is really not going to be my focus anymore. At this point, I do not see how I could ever take her back. To much stuff has happened.

I did throw her a nice zinger last night during the intro discussion...could not help it, it had to be done. I asked her for some reasson how the age gap thing was going. She said she was having a more difficult time with it than he was. I then added that when he is 39, she will be 50. Felt good.

I have a father-daughter dance tonight so that should be fun. We went to the store last night and picked out a new dress together..she went through 8 or 9 dresses...she is 6!!! I am also giving her a rose corsage as a suprise.

MSH, give you a buzz tomorrow.

[dwinter82]

I have been talking to the W the past couple of days about the parenting plan and the 3rd party, aka OM. The conversations were emotional and sometimes heated, but the at the end we were able to keep things rational and friendly. She has agreed to all of my requests: He is not to attend any kids functions when I am present for a year; he is not to be left alone with the kids for a year or unitl we agree upon it; and I get the right of first refusal.

The thing that was odd about all of this is that they cannot understand why I am making such requests. She told me he does not understand why I am blaming him for all of this. I told her I am not blaming him and that I blame her. I then went on to tell her that this does not change the fact that I have a very low opinion of him and that asking me to be around him would just be wrong. She also told me she has been re-assuring him that the M was broken before they started seeing each other and that he had nothing to do with the "broken" part. This statement is confusing for me. I understand the M was broken but this in no way justifies her (or his) behaviors, right? Can the OM not see he was involved with a married woman and as such, had or is having some role in all of this. At this point, the both of them do not think they have done anything wrong and are unwilling or incapable of taking any responsibility for their R and the effect it had on our M, even if it was already broken.

I am also pissed off about the intro to the kids. Not because it happend but by the way she went about it. Based on what I have read, things need to move slowly in this area to help protect the kids. Well, she took the kids and him to another city for a family gathering for three days. We had talked about this and agreed it was moving to fast, but then she did it anyway. My kids are great and they took it well but things could have easily turned out differently. Everytime she calls me selfish I just want to explode!!!

[Cie la vie]

I understand the M was broken but this in no way justifies her (or his) behaviors, right?

No. Plain and simple she had an affair and the OM was open to it as well, it is wrong. My W didn't give a damn about my feelings when she started her affair and OM1 according to my W told her she should wait until the D was final to hook up. Smart on his part it made her think he was soooo nice. Two weeks later she flew out to be with him and completed torching the marriage.

She has agreed to all of my requests: He is not to attend any kids functions when I am present for a year; he is not to be left alone with the kids for a year or unitl we agree upon it; and I get the right of first refusal.

I thought about bringing this stuff up in mediation but the bottom line is how do you enforce it and what if anything can you do if they just don't honor it. The fact that my W was capable of doing what she did while we were married leads me to believe she isn't going to have any problem not honoring verbal agreements like these that have not teeth. Look how your W handled the into to the kids, she disregard your request and did it her way. I don't see that changing in the future for either of us.

But remember were the selfish ones.

Has your wife at any point shown any emotion toward the dissolving of the marriage or is she just whistling dixie? Mine seems to be quite content or she has simple numbed herself to the pain. I just don't know.

[dwinter82]

CLV, you are likley right about my W honoring the parenting plan agreement, as least for the entire year. However, she knows contact with me and the OM right now would be bad. I would give him my perspective on things and I know she does not want that (and she knows I would do it!). If anything I am hoping this agreement will give me 5-6 months to better adjust to the situation.

My W has shown emotion for dissolving the M but it has been very infrequent and short-lived. When we had our parenting plan talk she almost started crying when she started thinking about how happy she use to be and how loving I have been the past couple of years. Currently, she is focused on the D and seems happy...too happy in my opinion given the circumstances.