Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

A great post. Thank you very much.

I haven't gotten a DB coach for financial reasons, but what you mentioned about "listening like a lover" is definitely something I have to do more of. The problem so far is that since everything started, she's been talking less and less. Or it takes awhile for her to talk but it's always about some general thing. When I do try to build a conversation slowly, I usually just get yes and no or very short answers. Even when I rephrase it into a question to get her input, she shrugs and says "up to you", or "it's okay".

That's one of the problems we've run into in the past. She never verbalized what was bothering her. And even now she doesn't. She'd rather just run than confront.

I think that's the thing about the OM. She knows she was wrong, is ashamed about it, but when asked or confronted about it, her answer is always "well it doesn't matter because I just don't want to be married anymore."

That has been her main answer for everything. "I just don't want to be married anymore." I've tried asking in the past, what that meant and if there was something wrong in the M, but she just keeps giving me that answer.

"By the way, How is she acting around you in terms of mental /emotional health? No, I would not ask her if I were you. I'm only wondering if you've noticed anything either way."

Yes I notice she's much more withdrawn and seems depressed. Her skin is breaking out more. She can turn it on and off though. I've seen her seeming very happy and friendly when she is with other people, then when we are alone, she shuts down.

She contradicts herself all the time. Like last week she told me she was "afraid" of me and would call the cops on me if I "withheld" my D from her for the night. All I did was recommend that she stay overnight for one night. I didn't say she couldn't see her. Yet she threatened me with the police and made it sound like I was taking her across the border somewhere. Yet that night, she came over and was as nice as can be.

I've broken down her behavior before and I think it comes down to one thing...CONTROL. I think she believes she has no control of what she did or is doing and when I seem to take control from her, she sees gets afraid and lashes back with a threat. I've never threatened her or given her ultimatums, yet rather than discussing something, she'll get a bit overly excited or start threatening me.

I believe that until she stops running and stops to look around to see what she has in front of her, she's not going to change. I'm still waiting for that 'ah ha' moment from her.

Things have gotten better in terms of us being able to be around each other and I've been trying to establish a footing for her to latch on to.

"Regardless, and I could be wrong, but my gut says your w is not so much cake eating with you, as she's feeling deep shame and confusion. I suspect she's asking herself how she can get out of this wacko mess SHE has created."

I agree. For someone who said she was all set to make a new life for herself, she just stays home at her sister's place. Even on weekends. She doesn't have any friends she hangs out with. I think she's in depression and although she's said she would go for C, she hasn't. For her, depression is like alcoholism. She isn't going to see a problem until SHE sees the problem.

I've been trying to treat her as if she was someone new I was dating. I'm glad I dated that other girl for awhile because it gave me a chance to flex those long unused muscles.

I do think you're right too in saying that she feels I can't get over what she did or forgive her. I think that's why she's denied the A. After all, if it never happened, then she has nothing to apologize for. I believe she sees that as a form of me having CONTROL over her. That I would be right and she was wrong. I admit that I made her feel that way in the beginning. Heck I'm only human. But I've already forgiven her. She has to admit to herself what happened and forgive herself. I think that is when she'll feel remorse.

After all is said and done, I think all of this is the reason I'm still standing in the M. She's not like Kevin's W who went out and GAL, she really hasn't been cake eating. I even remember the month before she said she was leaving (almost 2 years ago), she asked me if it were possible to love two people at the same time. Little did I know she was asking about me and the OM. After she chose the OM (married) she made me out to be the enemy, coming up with stories I couldn't believe. In her mind, after all, if you didn't love someone, you must hate them.

Those are just conclusions I've come up with and for that I pity her. What she feels is empowerment is just running. For the sake of my kids and her, I hope she crashes and burns soon. And while I can't change anything now, I keep things comfortable and stable for her to return if she chooses while I GAL and leave the rest to God.