Will just have to see. W knows if I said it, I'm serious. Has been 45 minutes now. No answer to response. Suspect she's wondering 'what else.' W knows me well enough to know when I said something like that, it's just the first page.
Will be interesting to see how long she has to think about it, and what she comes up with. If she hasn't answered by morning, I intend to send another text, somewhat like the first, but adding something the C convinced me of.
"That I hope things can change for the better, but if not, though I would have died for you, I won't die without you."
Will see. Don't want to push too hard, but she does have a right to know how I feel about that.
Since W is returning home, I did text her and lay out one condition. Did not want to wait until she was here for this.
That's perfect.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
"W, after these last 5 month's, I have to tell you it WILL be different. If you can not say there is no affair anymore, even on the net, and prove it, don't expect to come back to this house. If you do come, I can't promise anything right now, except that choice if you want to come here."
You will need to enforce that boundary. In case you haven't seen it yet, here's the standard template for boundaries:
Setting: When you _____, I feel ______, I want __________ . Enforcing: if you ______ I will __________ .
e.g. When you were living in the home the last five months and were having your love affair I felt like a fool while you were entertaining your whims. I have decided that I will not live like a prisoner in my own home. On your return if you so much as get online to search for another man or receive a phone call from a potential lover I will escort you out of this house so fast your head will spin.
Take the above and modify to something more your style.
25 minutes went by, then she answered "I think I can live with that." I replied "Let me know when you are sure."
Gno, sorry if I'm jumping the gun. Just the more I thought about it, whether she flew back here, or rides back from there, I can't let her walk up to the door without knowing how it has to be before she walks through it.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Who knows, it's been another 20 minutes, no answer to my response. W might just stay there.
I don't think she will stay. She may not answer and hope that you will let it slide because she thinks that you fear her and will allow her to do whatever she wants anyway. If she doesn't answer, you can raise it again on Saturday before she climbs into the car.
You will hear talk of a transparency plan and setting one. You're not at this stage yet because she has not communicated that she wants to resume the relationship.
So far the only facts you have are that she wants to return home. You work with the facts. When she communicates that she wants to work on the marriage you will need to set the transparency plan -- and you will press for the truth of what happened. Sorry, but I don't buy that whole story of changing her mind at the last minute before anything happened.
This is why I asked you how you would proceed if there was physical affair. A 5 month EA doesn't fall apart at the last minute just before things got physical. It doesn't gel because in her mind she has had sex with this OM on numerous occasions. That is why an EA is far worse. DB'ing i.e. GAL and 180's will help you reach a healthier state of mind so that you can answer that question.
Will just have to see. W knows if I said it, I'm serious. Has been 45 minutes now. No answer to response.
Don't worry about it. You carry on your "business" you're not her lap dog anymore. The tables have turned. It is she who has to worry about you now... no longer the other way around.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Suspect she's wondering 'what else.' W knows me well enough to know when I said something like that, it's just the first page.
This is mind-reading. Put an end to it. You stop worrying or wondering what she is thinking. This means you are still too attached. You need to detach more.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Will be interesting to see how long she has to think about it, and what she comes up with.
See above. This is wasted energy that you could be putting to better use elsewhere.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
If she hasn't answered by morning, I intend to send another text, somewhat like the first, but adding something the C convinced me of.
"That I hope things can change for the better, but if not, though I would have died for you, I won't die without you."
NO. Don't send that. That will come across as weak and is pursuing.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Will see. Don't want to push too hard, but she does have a right to know how I feel about that.
Do you see what you're doing? You're pushing again... i.e. pursuing. STOP THAT. You already know THAT DOES NOT WORK. Stop doing what doesn't work.
Your SILENCE until Saturday will be far more powerful than any words you can say to her. She is just waiting for you to start pursuing her again... and then you will return to the same cycle as before.
You're welcome. I have your thread on my watchlist so if you have any questions just post them here. I should get a notification within 10 mins of your posting.
EDIT: One more thing... you are under no obligation to send her an immediate response (for text messages) take your time. You're a busy man remember? Same with phone calls. If you're busy... you're busy and she can leave a message.
Wish I could see the improvement you do. I draw up a flow chart, then find 30 minutes later I can't remember the steps. Think I may need Q cards. Going over, and over to get it in my head. Going back over points G made of things that seemed right at time, but so clear when pointed out.
As far as where I "come out", hey, even I get lucky sometimes. Droping in on you now and then gives me a smile.
As for G letting you be 'you'. Yeah, G's great, but honestly, when you're on a roll, could he stop you anyway?!
Update? No response to last text to W ["Let me know when you are sure."]
Hey, we're not striving for a perfected script. Take G's suggestions, and absorb the "being" of it, the attitude of it, etc... Then your responses are natural!!!
Key Points:
#1 - Make sure you know what YOU want. #2 - Make sure not to forget the history of the past five months. #3 - IF you want her to come home, and work on things w/you, make sure you outline YOUR terms of acceptance, and not just let her slip back into life.
I'll be interested to see if she replies. Just a question... if she doesn't reply? What then? Seems kind of odd after her last few days of calls/txt's, etc... that she'd just be quiet.
HUGS FRIEND!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Will just have to see. W knows if I said it, I'm serious. Has been 45 minutes now. No answer to response. Suspect she's wondering 'what else.' W knows me well enough to know when I said something like that, it's just the first page.
Will be interesting to see how long she has to think about it, and what she comes up with. If she hasn't answered by morning, I intend to send another text, somewhat like the first, but adding something the C convinced me of.
"That I hope things can change for the better, but if not, though I would have died for you, I won't die without you."
Will see. Don't want to push too hard, but she does have a right to know how I feel about that.
UGGG!!!!!
Don't ever count minutes in between text messages, emails or phone calls, that's horrible, you're still not in the right frame of mind for all of this.
Who cares when she replies back, that is your attitude, not "45 minutes" since she texted.
