Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[25yearsmlc]

I think flirting is safe if you make sure you give her the space to back away and follow her lead on that, AND keep it light. Show there is sexual tension and attraction between you two, as she may have missed it with the m in the past (which is usual in long R's...and part of why we ALL have to work to keep things a little interesting.) There is a difference between flirting and pursuing. Part of it is humor in the flirting, and a relaxed approach. Don't stake anything on the results of a flirtatious moment, or this weekend, you know?

And you don't have to continue to pursue or follow thru, unless it seems natural to both of you and you'll know that, if it is.

As for my sitch, well, when h seemed he wanted back into the M fully, it was only when I had fully detached AND only after he had time to look around at his life and wonder where the hell we all were. He found himself alone a great deal and it started to matter a lot to him. He'd be invited places with his new peeps but His new friends and heroes were not replacing us very well over time, as it turns out. I sensed his awakening starting, when he'd say things like "I haven't been outside all weekend" or "I guess I've been a little depressed lately" which for him was very unsusual. He's outdoorsy & optimistic by nature. He'd disclose things to me as if we were friends and as if I was interested in how he was feeling. (Which I was but tried to hide and sometimes succeeded.)
So What did I do?

I listened. And I continued on in my new life.

Stuck, Did you ever get a DB coach? I found them VERY helpful and specific. For MY sitch, she advised "listening like a lover" when h was sharing/disclosing. That's not easy when you want to "correct" their assessments. But my h didn't share info about OW and I would not have been able to cope with that. It's a boundary issue. My gut tells me that unless your w wants to reassure you that there's nothing going on with her boss/OM, there's no point in hearing about him otherwise. You are her h, not her confessor. It'd be healthy for her to work elsewhere too. But as of now, you're not in a position to impose that condition on her. By the way, How is she acting around you in terms of mental /emotional health? No, I would not ask her if I were you. I'm only wondering if you've noticed anything either way.

In my sitch, when h began to show his confusion or doubt about his choices, or discussed "US", or "making the M better", etc., I tried not to sound cynical or too suspicious but NOR did I jump at his words or pounce on the first chance to reconcile. He wasn't at home after all.

So I felt like saying "DO" it, don't "TALK", the "actions speak louder than words" thing rang true but I held back and listened to him...the more silent I was, the more he was forced to fill the air with HIS disclosures, not mine. And the more he seemed to figure things out.

He had some proving to do to me, and that wasn't to punish him, but to verify that the risk would be worth it for me. Why go for a 2nd round of m, if the same thing is going to happen again? If he was still restless or confused, or not committed or unsure, blah blah blah, well I was NOT interested in having my heart and life broken up again, let alone putting the kids through that. I would think you're in the same boat there.

But he persisted and said things that needed saying. Still, the odd thing is that just last August, after >2 years of piecing and reconciling, my h finally said FULLY what I had to hear, but until he said it, I didn't even know that it was missing.

Hard to explain, but it was only then that I thought, "Wow, he really does get it. He KNOWS how much pain he caused and he feels deep regret..." and that was an "aha" moment for both of us. Has it been all smooth since? Heck no. We still have issues and need to use the tools we gained through this whole ordeal AND Retrovaille, which we found very very useful. So anyhow, don't know if that helps you. But don't expect too many lightning strikes from her yet. THe awakenings that last, don't occur over night but are slowly built and revealed.

Since your w is not officially or unofficially in the home FOR the purpose of saving the M, don't read too much into anything and don't make her feel that you are. Be as lighthearted as you can. We know She's confused. And you know you both love the kids, you have a past, and a future in common--the kids at least.

Keep and enhance that part of the R, so you can build on it. It helps. It's a start.
Like you, I knew my h and I had to have some contact forever, (kids) and I wanted it to at least be civil, if not warm. As I said, it was a start and we kept in touch about our kids, and the finances when we had to. [b]I veered off and stayed away from discussions about the future, and suggest you do so as well. But I'd let him glimpse my GAL stuff.

Regardless, and I could be wrong, but my gut says your w is not so much cake eating with you, as she's feeling deep shame and confusion. I suspect she's asking herself how she can get out of this wacko mess SHE has created.

Long term, [color:#CC0000]you'll have to show her that there is a path out of this. I don't think you can do that this weekend but you can enjoy the time around each other and that's likely the most this weekend can accomplish. Long term your goals will be, to show her that trust is something you two can rebuild without making her eat crow, that you are not being punitive or distrustful so much as you are cautious, figure out how to stay away from being judgemental, yet set & enforce healthy boundaries. It's all a balancing act. [/color]

I think I told you I believe some couples don't recon b/c the WAS thinks they cannot be forgiven, and sometimes they're right. They fear that the LBSer won't ever let it go. (Or can't.) If the WAS thinks that the sword of Damacles will be held over their head the rest of their lives, or that the LBSer will rub their nose in it, shaming them forever, never letting it go, throwing it in their face in an argument, then they don't even bother trying to come back even if they want to. Hard to know what the WAS wants, in those cases, I'm hopeful for you. But she needs lots of space and help. Sometime, down the road if you try to recon, counselling for her is mandatory.

For now, be upbeat, FUN, busy, but flexible--make your goal to show at least 2 180's if you can. You have lots of long term work to do, but for this weekend, show the 180s and then, Why not just try to have a good, fun weekend and leave it at that? I mean, if you can have some "good times" together in small bursts, it will build. Have the goal be "no fighting or tension THIS day" and maybe see some comedies so you can laugh together....and let that build. Let it be enough for now.
Good luck,
j-

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