I hope that you both have a lovely time, relax and enjoy your time together. I think building more new, pleasant and loving memories will be important in this healing.
I admire you in dealing with this. hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I dont understand that. Both options dont sound good to me. What do you mean making him feel safe or because he wants the M? Shouldn't he feel both and love me on top of that?
I agree with YOU Kalni. YOU don't need to make HIM feel safe. C'mon here. You don't need to do ANYTHING except to recognize a true desire on his part to want to be with you and then observe a pattern of making an effort to recommit, do the work, etc.
Please...don't settle for anything less. Don't let anyone here brainwash you into staying unhappy with someone who cheated on you and then does anything short of that article you printed here. THOSE people LEARNED....and they CHOSE to love each other and they RECOMMMITTED...and they DID THE WORK.
Stay tuf' Sagapo.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Apart from that, H seems to still mirror my behaviour and tries to avoid anything that he believes would bring tension between us. Unfortunately, that means he avoids sharing with me things about the past and his thoughts/feelings... which makes me feel we are not "connected". He also tells me that he thinks what we are going trhough now is normal granted the separation and affair and that he thinks sex should follow because right now, he feels we cant share intimacy.
I don't think that sharing things about the past is the most helpful thing right now. You're both feeling really emotionally vulnerable and I think that it's a good time to focus on the present, on really basic things like: how am I feeling in my body right now? It would be so great if you could get a massage together, or go to a Turkish bath, or a meditation session, or a gentle yoga session. Is there any way that you could have a shared experience of relaxation and being in the body? It sounds like there is a lot of "head stuff" going on. You both need to get grounded and be fully in your bodies. It would be so great if you could share that "aaaaahhhhh" feeling when you truly de-stress.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
It is obvious to me that if I push harder he will crack. He is walking on eggshels constantly and since I have been there I know how much it sucks... I dont want to be asking for something he cant give because of THE WAY I am asking, do you know what I mean?
I think it would help you to try to only ask for things that your H realistically can do right now. If you're feeling an emotional need, try not to let your mind go into the whole idea of how you need your emotional needs met in the future. Just try to figure out if there's anything your H can do to directly meet that need at that moment, and ask for it with the understanding that he may refuse. That's a way that you can take responsibility for what's yours and be authentic with him, not rescuing or enabling.
Hope my ramblings are helpful.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
If you want to bring up the past, make it only about good memories together
Fully agree with Kerry.
The past mistakes only continue him in his cycle of depression. Focusing more fully on fun times, loving times, happy moments may help pull his head around a little more.
Are you 100% sure that his LL is AOS?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I meant by that sentence, I am not sure if your H even knows at the moment if he wants to be with you because he is confused and scared and you make him feel safe, or because he wants the whole thing that M involves......which yes is about loving you, being committed, pulling his share of the weight AND feeling safe.
I don't think you should stay and settle for anything less than him putting in that effort to show you he is really committed to meeting you half way and making your future M a partnership. Anything less would be doing yourself an injustice. Anything less and it just will not work long term.
Hope you are out making some good new memories tonight.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Kalni, Let the moments, dates, days show the truth. Take each of these one at a time, making sure that you are observing boundaries (your boundaries), and true to yourself in your speech and actions. The gathering of days will present trends and truths. If his actions align with his words of desire to restore the R, there is your answer. If they do not, there is your answer.
His letter oozes helplessness, hopelessness. Protect yourself so that you are neither sucked in to it, nor are sucked into rescuing him from that.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
When you have a chance, could you take a look at my thread? I was wondering how to react to my W over the weekend. I need a WAW's perspective. Thanks! Sorry for the hijack.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
When you have a chance, could you take a look at my thread? I was wondering how to react to my W over the weekend. I need a WAW's perspective. Thanks! Sorry for the hijack.
I sure will, Stuck. Been meaning to anyway. A little busy this weekend in Louisiana...if you know what I mean! But I think I can break away from the celebrating to check in. Cheers~ Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
