Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[cat04]

I am not throwing stones at my wife here but until you said abuse I never realized that the things my W said to my D13 on Oct 31, would fall under the heading of "abuse". I recognize the event as a one time event but it happened, and I understand just how "crazy" my W was at that point in time.

Please do not misunderstand me. I never said your W was abusive.

Was the interaction inappropriate between a 13yo girl and her mother? Probably.

My big question to that though is why does your D know the specifics anyway?

For my D13, my W's behavior continues, specifically the lies and the lying to her. … My D13 cannot understand/accept anyone who is still doing the things that continue to hurt her, D13's C doesn't really understand either

While this is something I do understand, I think this is really a moment in time and unless the behavior is something that has gone on for years, with time, this will simply become easier.

and like everyone else, thinks that I am nuts for remaining open to reconciliation with my W.

So, are you living for everyone else or yourself?

It is difficult for my D13 to see me be nice and friendly to my W in spite of what she has done or is doing. D13 and I are close now, very close, when we talk she asks me, "Dad, don't you see what Mom is doing? It is not fair for her to come to the house or for you to be nice to her, she does not deserve you"

You are the parent. You set the moral code and compass in your life. Not your 13 year old D.

Do you really want to allow a hormone, emotion ruled teenager dictate how you as an adult allow yourself to be treated or who comes into your home or not?

At this stage, she is speaking and reacting simply from emotion. This is not something she may understand at this point but it is up to you to set the bar.

Do you want her to believe that you think it is ok to just walk away from someone because you do not like what they are doing or do you want her to learn that people are NOT perfect, we all make mistakes and sometimes a little bit of forgivness, tolerance, kindness and patience is necessary and actually the better way to handle situations?

Put her in the bad guy role if you have to. Ask her “if you, when you are driving, take my car without permission, wreck it, and then want me to forgive you, should I just put you on the street and walk away, because you had poor judgement? Or should I give you another chance?”

My response on several occassions has been that, " my W does deserve me and deserves my forgiveness, but if she choses not to come back I will be okay and we as a family will be okay"

The only response that I have ever given my S is that “You may not agree with the choices I am making. I did not choose this situation, but I am choosing the best actions for me."

My daughter views this as being weak and that is the really tough part for me.

Is this about your male pride?

Eventually, your D will be in a R of her own and then she will hopefully understand that you are not weak at all but that what you are doing takes an incredible amount of strength. More than it would take to walk away.

In the meantime, you can show her your strength in other ways. As her father, a man who guides her, a man who can find happiness in his life, inspite of the current situation.
By being her rock through all of this adversity. Not by constantly trying to convince her of why you are making the choices you are making.

You are the adult. You are rational. You are not going to simply act out of anger, fear, frustration, or any other emotion. You want to take your time and make the right choices for everyone. In the meantime, being nice to your W is simply doing nothing more than treating her the way that you would like to be treated.

IMO, I would not allow your D to judge your choices. It simply is not up to her.