H4L I dont want to ask to befriend them and be turned down if Im honest.
It all sorta blew up last night anyway, teddy boy was present but I just kept as calm as I could and kept explaining my way around how could we sort this so we were both happy! Orignally I ask him to set a time span on it on how long he would accept that she wasnt going to make any attempt to befriend me and he tried to take the right royal tiddle and said middle of summer, which I said was too long, oh joy Im not having my boundary set to six months do I look stupid! when I said that this was a deal breaker and we wouldnt get any further if we didnt sort it, he threw his toys out of his pram and moved to the other couch. I followed him although theoretically pursuing this needed to be sorted I couldnt allow another walk away from me.. Anyway we went round the houses a fair bit more, it came out that he thought I was setting all the boundaries and wanting my own way. Which can honestly say I wasnt just this one boundary about Sis.. He said that he didnt like the fact I wont move to where he wants to be. Hard as it was I stated that just because I wanted him back I wasnt just going to have the life he wanted and that the reason I was staying here wasnt because I didnt want to be with him but I didnt want to choose him above the friends that supported and looked after me when he chose to dump me. He really still doesnt get what he has done to me although I think I saw a glimpse of regret that he had lost the blind trust that I had before. Interesting but he got it in the neck from sis at xmas about us not dropping everything to go and he did tell her that if she didnt communicate stuff we didnt know. He did try to make it a trust issue and I replied its not a trust issue its a breaking of boundaries issue, and if there was any chosing to be done it would be either me or my sister. I also validated a lot of what he has said previously without him saying it so proving that I do listen and care.. Upshot was we went to bed and I have left him with more food for thought. Its all complicated but I feel that a better understanding is held between us on the subject and I am now given it to easter for Sis to prove her worth. Trouble is Im shattered now, but I do have two weeks off work to look forward too. Thanks for all your hugs and kisses sorry this is a bit muddled.
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
LR: He really still doesnt get what he has done to me although I think I saw a glimpse of regret that he had lost the blind trust that I had before.
Sounds like a rough one. Interesting level of denial on his part about the obvious impact the dumping would have on any living human. Gee.
The idea of a time limit is interesting. It's interesting that he tried to spin it into a trust issue to try to make you feel as if you were the one with the problem. Even if you agreed that it was a trust issue and not a boundary issue, the fact is he is a year or more away from regaining your trust due to his own behavior.
Well, I applaud you for attempting to resolve it with an avoider rather than letting the seeds of resentment grow. Doesn't sound pleasant or easy. I like how you said you attempted to mix a lot of validation in. Maybe there's a compromise in the future for everyone that is not apparant right now, though I can't guess what it would be.
Ok, no rest for the weary, huh? He's home a week and already you're into the cr*p. I can see how he initially tried to turn it around on you, a classic defensive move. But good that you started to unpeel the onion to find out what's under it. What is all this about you having all the control? Sounds like he's having trouble digesting the new independent Rabbit - the same one that was attractive enough to return to! You did good holding your own. You stood up for the reasons you won't move and like you said on my thread, you're going to have to negotiate all that now that he knows you are going to stand up for yourself.
So he's having a bit of a tantrum for not completely getting his way - so he says "I'll do what I want" regarding sis? Not cool. He's confusing the two issues in that case. Like he's going to sneak some control back in by breaking your boundary.
I'm so glad you told him it's not a "trust" issue but a "breaking the boundaries" issue. That points out that he is responsible to keeping his agreements issue. Of course it is a trust issue if someone breaks their agreement! But the point is he broke the agreement!
The deeper issue is that he broke your marital agreement by abandoning his commitment to your marriage. Isn't that a bit of a controlling move too?
So I would keep doing the fabulous job you have been doing. Try to listen and validate what he feels out of control of and what he needs. Great you validated him. Keep it up. And then stand for your needs. Then the great negotiation begins.
Give him time dear to realize what he has done to you. He may have his tail between his legs a bit returning home after being a big boy out on his own, and with no job to boot. He may be defensive about feeling weaker than you this is very hard for a man. You'll get there where he can hear you. We won't let him keep those earplugs in! But remember a man's pride (sorry guys).
Oh joy got to go to work for one last week, one of our teams is so greedy when we got a week off earlier as a freebie there was other work to be done in the building but she wanted paying twice so HR got wind of it and have made us come into work.. Anyway cant complain still means I have four weeks of work unless I choose to go back in earlier and do some auditing for extra pennies.
H has had a couple of phone calls this week about work so that is looking more hopeful. It is the final piece in the pie although the sheer logistics of two us working full time is going to be hard works whilst building a relationship again. Although last night H was talking about all he was doing with his hobbies and then realised he had booked something to do every weekend throughout Feb, but obviously that wasnt good when trying to rebuild things so he promptly said that we would have to make the most of all the other time we had together, which was sweet. Other interesting thing on the control front he said he'd put his busy diary dates on our kitchen calendar, I havent looked yet but that is a biggy, its allowing compromise on organising things together because now I know what he wants to do we can work out what we can do together.
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
That's so great about the calendar. It sounds like real progress. Validate, validate, validate on that one. If I were you, I would also consider going light on pencilling myself in a lot at first. Just a thought. Especially if he feels he is making a big time gesture with his new work, hobbies, and figuring out how he will "fit in" his "new self and independent life" with his old. Just a thought. The "space" and "me time" stuff seems really touchy with some of these Hs. A minefield.
Well it was bound to happen after a couple of victories!
We still have no heating, was cool about it yesterday and made alternative plans to stay warm, expecting H to get it sorted out this morning. So I thought I'd stay at home and have an US day, Ive got PMT and thought a nice pleasant soothing day would be just the ticket, didnt bank on H waking up in depression mode, to be expected I suppose he went to his hobby yesterday and popped in on his old haunts whilst he was awal, probably rattled some what ifs for him.. First he wouldnt get out of bed saying he was warm and snuggly, I stayed as long as my tiredness and boredom would allow and finally got up and tried to get on with some chores although not easy when wrapped up so much. He has only just taken his tablets arrrrhhhh, I suppose its too much to expect someone to know when they dont take their tablets their inflict their depressive mood on everyone else.
Im actually begining to be thankful for one more last week at work. Sat here snuggled under my blanket keeping as warm as possible, offered to put telly on and H grumped he was enjoying the peace, fair enough says I so you dont want me to talk to you either I said teasing, response well I cant read if you talk to me can I.. I cant even blooming walk away from him today as this room has the only fire/heating in... God save me from him today please..
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks CW, Im waiting on my new book, Ive ordered Passionate Marriage on Kalni's advice! Decided Plan B was needed so suggested we pull couch up by the fire and snuggle under the blanket and watch a movie, well it was quiet but hopefully averted any problems. Was cute babycakes came and snuggled up with us she is so not a lapcat usually so it was really nice being a family.
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
